Struggling

It’s horrible for you. I can only tell you what somebody told me when my husband left me - it was such a shock and I didn’t know how I was going to cope. She said “ You won’t always feel like this, some day you will feel fine.” Try not to think about the past, but concentrate on today. Make sure you, your daughter and granddaughter are getting as much rest as you can, are eating well, and getting out. Think of little things that will make you happier. I would always have something nice to do at the weekend, even if it was a only a box of chocolates and a film. At the end of each day I would think “Well, that’s one day more towards the day when I won’t feel so bad.” Also, your ex sil must have some good qualities or your daughter would not have loved him, sometimes two people just fall out of love. I wouldn’t set too much store by his using Tinder either (and don’t look, nor on his FBpage!”) That may be just a show of bravado, he is probably sad too. Best wishes to you all.

Block his social media pages ,you're only causing yourself grief.We too loved our SIL like our own and were devastated when they split.He was a serial cheat so it was for the best but he left 2 children behind and hasn't finacially supported then since,over 8 years.I have nothing but admiration for my daughter who has never bad mouthed him to the children and who makes every effort to get on with him and his new wife .
It makes life much happier for the children if you can do that,whenever we meet him theres always a hug and he always tells us how much he misses having us around,he never had a father so he thought of my OH as his dad.Our GC are doing well and thats all we want,my daughter remarried and she has another child ,her new husband is amazing with her eldest two .Give it time and try not to be bitter ,you cant change it so try to help her move forward .

DD was in same situation very recently but is now showing amazing resilience.
He was found out (an affair which he absolutely denied) 11 weeks before the planned wedding. She threw him out. 6 weeks later he was engaged.
Until the date of the proposed wedding was behind her she didn't cope well but once it was, she started to bounce back.
Coping well and much more positive!
Just be supportive and patient.
Things will improve.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel your daughter's pain 10 fold, that's just how I felt when my son and his partner split up (not his choice) and he had to go to court to fight for his right to see his daughter, but was never allowed to see his stepson again even though he'd been 'dad' since the boy was 3 years old. It is one of the downsides to motherhood I think.
I most certainly will be sending you healing love and prayers for you and your daughter. Remember this too will pass.

How lucky she is to have such a caring mother. Time will help.

Having gone through this situation with one of my AC, it's hard on Grans, as you grieve for all the 'what could have been scenarios.

All you can do is be there with hugs and support, please do not bad mouth her ex in front of her or your GC,as you never know what is round the corner, Your daughter can and probably will though.

There are quite a few of us who have been in this situation and lots of us have come through as your DD probably will.

My DD's situation is pretty similar to paddyann's. The Idiot made her life intolerable so she came home to us with her two children. She struggles to get the Idiot to pay proper maintenance as he has an web of companies which enable him and his new partner to manipulate his income. At one stage she was awarded 50p per week per child.

However, she has a new partner and is expecting a baby. He is the most fantastic father to her first two.

The problem we currently have is that the Idiot doesn't see the children to get back at DD for some supposed slight and it makes his social life easier to run. Now her eldest son is questioning why. Up to now we have all been very nice about the Idiot but he told DD that he hates her more than he loves the children and we are all wondering whether to be more truthful with the children.

Oh doesn't it hurt to watch our AC suffer?

We cannot take their pain away but we can be supportive, and sometimes opening up conversations about how they're feeling can be helpful. Mine tended to suffer in silence, licking their wounds quietly. All my adult children have hurt badly when long term relationships ended. It hurts us too, as their partners were, for years, part of the family.

I know one of my children has avowed to shun relationships as he was left completely wrecked when his partner ended it after eight years. It left him without self esteem and so badly hurt. A period of deep depression followed and he has 'sort of' recovered. I don't think the wounds have healed. Despite all his talents and skills, he ploughs a lonely furrow. All I want to do is hug him, and find a nice girl who won't hurt him.

We cannot mend their relationships though, can we, and the old adage that time is a great healer is true. I am over my ex husband now but 20+ years later, deep down inside, that pain and betrayal still has the power to hurt and have me asking "why?"questions.

Knickas, I am sending thoughts your way. If our children are unhappy, no matter their age, it hurts us too. People move on, and we have to let them, but I do hope your daughter recovers, slowly. She will, and she will move on, and I hope in time, find someone who will love and cherish her.

Thank you all. He has done this a few times, but this seems more final. He has been messing with her head and feelings. He came into a large sum of money and blew most of it. Very little on my DD or DGD. She bought two festival tickets for them. She is happy for him to have his, but he wants her to give him both. She is short of money, he doesn't want to buy hers and told her to sell the engagement ring if she's short of money. He is making everything so much harder. He said he doesn't want the responsibility and just wants to party. He isn't hurting.

Try and think of it as a lucky escape and be glad they hadn't got married. My son married his fiance and 8 weeks later she left him saying she had met someone else before they married.

Understandably your anger and grief is leaping off the page, I am so sorry. I hope your DD is soon able to get down to practical matters and make this selfish young man face up to his responsibilities financially and otherwise. Has your daughter heard from his parents? Please take care of yourselves

My heart goes out to the OP and all the other lovely Grans who have or are dealing with great pain for their adult children and grandchildren. Haven't experienced this particular pain but have experienced an adult child dealing with a dreadful diagnosis for their child and so sympathise with the feeling of helpless love and grief to see our child suffering. Ten fold. Don't have any easy answers just the age old stuff, be there, practical support, put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and just sheer bloody courage. ?

Sounds like she is better off without him. But it must be terribly upsetting for you all. Only thing I can say is that time helps. And she is still young and will I'm sure have a great life some time in the future with a new partner and more children. Till then just continue to support and help her all you can. In the long run her ex will be the loser. But make sure she is getting fair support for the child via the CSA.

If you depend on some other person for your own happiness, what does that say about you?
I can certainly empathise with friends or family if they are having a hard time but not to the extent that I live my life and colour my moods according to their degree of happiness or sadness.
It's early days in the recent broken engagement of the OP's daughter but, to talk of the fact that they were looking forward to a second grandchild and that it might be a long time before her daughter meets another partner and thus has more children, is faintly bewildering.
An odd thing to think when a break up occurs, at least, I think so.
Stuff happens and emotions will settle. Mum needs to be supportive but not live in her daughter's shoes.

I can relate to this. My daughter's husband left their home last week. They have a little girl and a baby boy. My daughter had to ask him to leave because he was so nasty to her. We are so upset. This man has been part of our family for eight years. We had no idea he was treating our daughter badly and playing mind games. As well as worrying about our daughter we are worrying about his state of mind. He is posting stuff about suicide on facebook.

Its loss and living grief! We felt it when our daughter All it from my partner of 8 years. She was devastated. So where we. I/we loved him dearly.

I couldn't tell her I was devastated too as she probably wouldn't have got it and it would have caused her further concerns.

Allow yourself to grieve. Its normal

That should say split, not "All it" above.

My daughter and her husband are going through this as I type. They have tried 'bird-nest' parenting for two and a half years .....they have just fallen out of love ... they both say.' Bird - nesting' worked until my daughter found a new partner and now it's not working. They are professional and competent people and will no doubt work it out. Neither wants divorce as neither has any intention of ever re-marrying ( thank goodness).... and both will have equal access to the children. All this they have decided between them. They just NEED to live apart now. What has been forgotten is our ( me and her dad) hurt . Not so much my husband who is quite an U empathic personality... but I am suffering terribly... I love my SIL if not as much as my own son then very nearly. And also I made his dying mother 10 years ago that I would always treat him as one of my own. I cry buckets at the thought of not seeing him...and how much I'm going to miss his easy going affability. I love him dearly.Hes the third child I always wanted but never had! My daughter understands I think and has no objection to me havin a relationship with him in the future. But once they split finially how on earth will this be achieved! I'm shattered by it all.

Gabriella G - How can a parent be happy when their child is suffering?
She is doing really well so far, and I am proud of her, and she is getting a lot of love and support from us (her family) and friends. I miss him too, but I know that in the long run she is better of without him. He is seriously immature and if he attempts to come back this time - as he has done before it would be more of the same. SO I hope she can be strong. As for the grandchild thing -it is the loss of possibilities - mourning for what can now never be. We adore our granddaughter - she is an absolute delight, and we have often wondered what her sibling would be like. They were trying for a sibling for a while, but my DD was offered a new job and it was prudent to put it on hold for a while - just as well, but I am sad she wont have a full sibling, and may have to wait years for one. I would have loved her to have a brother or sister reasonably close in age to bond with. I know all will be well in the end - but the process of getting there will not be easy. Thank you for the support.

I think it’s true that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

I can truely feel for you in everything you are going. Through except the grandchild thing To place so much of your future happiness on the fact you may or may not have another grandchild and that your present grandchild won’t have a full sibling or one close in age is really getting far too deeply entwined in your daughters business
We can never know or need to know if tour children will chose to have children or no children at all or how they space their family it’s just not our business

I can understand you mourning the loss of the relationship like many others I have one daughter with a son in law who died and one now separated after 16 years My son seems fine Life is very rarely as you want it to be either for ourselves or our children all we can do is be there IF wanted
It sounds as if your daughter is doing well and has plenty of support so be glad you can be there to help and don’t waste your tears on the future which none of us have any control over

Gosh, some difficult stuff going on here for people.

I feel for my adult children but I also try to protect myself.

If you are a kind, empathic person you can become totally overwhelmed.

The young couples who are splitting up....it is terrible sad. I expect although it may not seem like it, given time they will recover.

GabriellaG- of course the unhappiness of those close to us hurts. And I don’t think knickas is over- empathising. And I don’t think her mourning what might have been is excessive either. I imagine she wrote this on gransnet hoping for some sympathetic and kind words. She doesnt need a lecture.

The Grandchild thing is just a sadness, but not actually that deeply important! It was just part of the overall sadness at the loss of expectations.