Jokes: Some Rude; Never Crude

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My heart lifted at the start of this thread Rufus. Thought I was seeing things and then I realized the old date.

Grannybags

I knew this was an old thread when I saw it was started by Rufus

I think we both remember the hooha Rufus caused 🤦🏼‍♀️

I knew this was an old thread when I saw it was started by Rufus

What do you do if you wake up in the middle of the night and want to know what time it is?
Open the window and bang a drum. One of the neighbours is guaranteed to shout Who’s that silly so-and-so banging a drum at twenty past two in the morning?

mcem

Just don't know why it's ok to say you aren't Scottish (thankfully!)
Why did that seem appropriate?

bella
"What do you buy a man with a weak heart? Ans "a wee donkey".
The "translation" only works if it's read as "a weak 'eart"".
But it doesn't work because most Scottish accents wouldn't drop the h!
However the "wee calf" works beautifully.

Ya numpty. Nothing to do with dropped H or his heart.

The man's got a wee cart.

My missus had just got the chicken out of the oven and started carving it.
"Would you like some wings?" She asked.
"Yes please." I said.
So she started singing 'Mull of Kintyre'.

My mate poured domestos on our local vicar…
He got done for bleach of the priest.

I'm in bad books again! I got my wife some lorry oil for her birthday.
Apparently it should have been L'Oreal.

My mate's a bit dim.
He actually thought Les Dennis were French fire engines.

Love that; rude but never crude is the perfect balance! If you're into witty humor, greek god jokes always bring the thunder... just ask Zeus next time your Wi-Fi goes down!
Visit now: jokespunfun.com/greek-god-jokes/

Apparently Mark Twain said "there's a fine line between a man standing on the bank fishing and a man standing on the bank looking like a complete idiot".

A lady, nervous of dentists said to her dentist, "I don't know which would be more painful, having a tooth extracted or having a baby"
"Well make up your mind, madam. I've got to fix the chair"!

Men and Women are all fallible. The difference is Women know it!

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

What do you do if you see a space man?
Park in it man! sorry!

Another train joke, specially for sparkly1000. A young man finds himself sharing a compartment with an older man on a commuter train one evening. The YM says 'excuse me, can you tell me what time it is?'. The older man just grunts and turns away. The YM says ' you don't have to be so rude, I only wanted to know the time. Why didn't you answer me?'. The OM says 'It's like this. Like me you probably get this train most days. I tell you the time and then we get chatting. Maybe we get off at the same stop. We walk the same way home. I invite you in for a drink. You meet my lovely daughter. You ask her out. You fall in love. You propose.

Well if you think I'm going to let me daughter marry a man who can't even afford his own watch, the you're sadly mistaken!!

Is anything worn under the kilt? No! it's all in perfect working order!

A bird in the Strand is worth 2 in Shepherds Bush.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself; after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Watermeadow The greengrocer must have been a brother of my grandmother's butcher She used to tell us as children that his pies contained equal quantities of horse and rabbit - one horse to one rabbit. We believed her for ages.

My lifelong favourite joke:
A woman goes into a greengrocers and says,”A pound of nuts, please, and not too many coconuts.”

Mares eat oats and does eat oats......reminds me of graffiti seen in Liverpool by the docks. The official notice said - Mersey Docks and Harbour Board and some wag wrote ...and little lambs eat ivy.

A C ofE vicar, a Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest share a train compartment.
The vicar suggests as it's just the three of them they might speak about a secret they were ashamed of.
The rabbi said that he was ashamed that he often emptied the collection box and bet the money on horses.
The vicar said he was ashamed that his weakness was women and he often visited brothels.
They both turned expectantly to the priest who said.
"I'm ashamed to say I'm a terrible gossip".

Man goes into outpatients at hospital ; his legs are covered in blisters. Nurse says "'ow did you do that?"
"opening a tin of soup; the label said "stand in hot water for 10 minutes!"
Sorry!

A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldnt you?
My mother used to sing that too!

Oh, I didn't know there was any more to it Elegran! Thanks, I've learnt something new!

If the words sound queer
And funny to your ear
A little bt jumbled and jivey
Sing "Mares eat oats and does eat oats,
And little lambs eat ivy"

Forgot the next line!

"A kiddley divey, too, wouldn't you?"

Elegran My DF used to quote that one!

Also, "Mairzy dotes and dozy dotes, but liddle lamzy divey"!

I`m admitting to being incredibly thick, I didn`t get Maw`s riddle until PollyP explained it!

It isn't the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you offin.