One step forward. Two steps back.

My husband died February 2004. He wanted to reach his forty seventh birthday he did and died four days later. In my experience you learn to cope but grieving does not get any easier especially as the children have gotten older. They are both married and our daughter has a son and our son has two sons. When Nick died Emma was twenty and Phil sixteen. I miss Nick everyday and talk to him all the time. We were together twenty nine years married nearly twenty three. We started courting the day after his eighteenth I was nearly seventeen. I don't want another
man as I was very lucky to have had a wonderful husband and won't make do with second best. I do get lonely but it is for him. If it wasn't for our children and their partners and of course out grandsons I wouldn't be living an independent life. I promised my husband I would live my life to the full and I have kept that promise.
The anniversary of his death is always very difficult for me. I relive the week up to and the week following his death. Every year I think it will be better but it never is. It gets worse. I have always hide what it's does to me from our children. They found out this year. They couldn't understand why I had never told them how bad it gets. But they still grieve for their Dad I didn't want to make it worse for them. I hope this time will be better as February will be the fifteenth anniversary.

I can't think of anything useful to say, so just sending you the biggest of hugs.

Polskasue. You clearly had a wonderful relationship and take it from me it takes time and although you will never forget the man who meant so much to you your loss will ease. We are all different and how we get through our loss is individual. If you want support in your grief your GP will be able to give you the address of organisations that will help.

Polkasue - You have done a great deal in one year after a double bereavement, where most of us had one bereavement. The one year anniversary is I believe really about the worst time there is. You will get through it. We are all in sympathy with you,

Anniebach I have read many of your posts but this one just aches with the loss of your beloved husband all those years ago. ?

Polkasue I haven't experienced a loss like yours but after reading so many poignant, painful and truly wonderful posts on Gransnet from those who have I know that you will survive, and you will be able, in time, to make a life around the gaping hole in your life. ?

Hugs a-plenty to you all and a gentle push up that hill you are climbing.

I have no experience of this however .... It sounds to me as tho you have been on auto pilot for a year, dealing with all practical things so methodically. I feel that now you have achieved all that, you now need to allow yourself to grieve properly. Grief is very personal and we all find our own way thro, there are no right or wrong ways .... cry when you need to and if you feel very low, consider bereavement counselling .... I wish you well ?

Polskasue, I think you have achieved an amazing amount in a year. Amazing. So much was piled on your head. Bravo! When does it get easier? Can't be precise about that but I can tell you it definitely does get easier but you only realise and admit that to yourself gradually. I'm in an arena of acceptable gratitude that I ever met my husband and we had such a good time together. That certainly didn't happen overnight but I still feel him around me and that's as good as it gets for me. Give yourself time as well as a huge pat on the back. Good luck.

I am a member of the same unhappy club, and five years later, it's still hell - the bitter absence of 'we' and 'let's' in my vocabulary. Now facing major surgery and Christmas alone because I won't be able to make it to my daughter in Cornwall.

My sincere condolences to all those here and those who have not posted.

I have no advice, I hardly dare to imagine how you all manage to feel and cope day to day. Your all such an inspiration. How your love shines through all of these posts. I hope sharing with each other is helpful.
Your posts are so touching they make me want to have a little weep.

To all those who have written about lost loved ones, and those who haven’t, you are such an inspiration to each other. Coming on here, and being able to pour out your feelings, must be such a blessing. You get support, love and encouragement, back in spades. GN at it’s best.

May I share this with you?

I was widowed over forty years ago after only eight years,one month,one day of marriage.

Several weeks after my husband died I was sitting by his grave , i saw a man sitting on a bench, had known him and his wife for years, she had recently died, they were a lovely couple, devoted, no children, in their late seventies.

I sat with him on the bench, we exchanged condolences, then he said ‘ I was thinking when you walked in, she is so young , been robbed of much happiness but can build a new life , in time can find happiness again’.

I had been thinking, ‘ you are so blessed to have had so many years , so many happy memories ‘

He had to live with many memories of happy times, I had to live with thoughts of what might have been.

I haven’t grieved for over forty years, I can’t remember his voice, I have never forgotten the strength of his arms . This year would have been our golden wedding.

I am so sad for all who feel so alone after many happy years with their beloved husband , hold onto the strength those years gave you and all the memories .

Hugs to all x

For me a little over a year and I agree with you all. The days up to and beyond the anniversary were tough remembering not just last year but exactly one year earlier and DH’s terminal diagnosis. maw wrote elsewhere about a hill to climb each day. So true and sometimes so steep. I think I have just been keeping on going from the nursing and grieving to filling my days and grieving but now find myself continually ‘three steps from tears’.
It’s a stunningly beautiful morning here and another hill to climb. Hope everyone’s hill is a little less steep today.

Thank you GrannyGravy 13. As times goes on eventually it gets less raw. But for me it's taking years. We need to swim even although it feels against the tide. We can only do our best.

I wonder if those in the same boat would agree that nothing prepares you for this and however much sense you read or hear, it is not like anything else you have ever experienced.
No longer part of “we” even the everyday vocabulary has to change.

Polkasue, MawBroon, agnurse,Blue45sapphire and any other gransnetters who's partner in life has died, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Same here, but nearly 8 months since DH died. It is so hard, but there is no option but to 'carry on'. It's sink or swim and I have no intention of drowning; and then a friend of mine full of doom and gloom said " but some people choose to sink and they do" - that's certainly not an option for me. I will carry on carrying on, and try my best to get through each day as DH would have wanted me to, it would break his heart if he knew how much I was grieving and missing him. Hope he's looking down and saying "that's my girl!" Thinking of all of you out there going through the same.

This is the first anniversary of his death. Of course it is going to be hard. That's not surprising. Usually counsellors will advise you not to make any major decisions for a YEAR after the death of a spouse.

It sounds as if you've coped very well so far. That's really fantastic.

It's not wrong at all to find it hard to accept. This was your husband. His death was sudden so you didn't have much time to prepare. All of a sudden you had many responsibilities thrust on you. That's not easy either - especially when you're already stressed.

One thing you might consider is seeing a grief counselor or joining a grief support group. Even this far on you might still find them helpful.

You have done amazingly Polskasue.
Like you I find myself reliving those last few weeks just a year ago. The initial months passed in a mixture of shock and adrenaline.
Then the world went back to work and “the rest of my life” started.
When you find out when it gets easier, let me know please!