Family fallout

fluttERBY123
I find the idea of someone 'grovelling' or apologising (if not in the wrong) in order to spend Christmas with a relative, frankly unpalatable but I recognise that was only one option that you put forward for the OP's consideration. I don't doubt that in order to pour oil on troubled waters, many people paper over the cracks in order to achieve harmony, even if it's a temporary fix.

yggdrasil

The husband is the problem because he's separating sisters and causing a serious division in the family. Yes, the sisters are still 'good' but BIL has now made sure that the OP is no longer welcome in their home. He has no right to do that, because that's his wife's family. It is unacceptable and wrong!

Yes, she may have said some things too, but it was a provocation by the rude comments he made first. You may be right that even his wife can't fix this, but if not her then who?

Willa : It's his own wife that needs to make him see that where OPs grandson lives is none of his business.

My ex could behave like that, but no words from me would have made any difference, just brought trouble on me. And I had to live with him after the guests had gone.
(OK I snapped eventually, but it was over something really big.)

is it too late to book somewhere away from home>. coach trip or hotel by the sea.? or just have a peaceful christmas just you and hubby. you can always invite them round boxing day or go out someplace.. dont give him an inch .he sounds nasty piece of work..

GabriellaG - I was saying that if OP's goal is to get to be with her sister Christmas that could be one way to achieve that goal. What suggestions do you have?

"Anyway my sister now tells me he doesn't want me at there house Xmas day!!! "
Well, given that you had already "told them I didn't want to go there for Xmas day" he's kind of locking the gate once the horse has bolted, hasn't he?

Personally I would not be bothering mending bridges with him. Your sister has said "But me And her are ok." so I would just meet my sister alone without him. Probably much nicer for you both.

As for Christmas Day - how much nicer to not spend it with Mr Grumpy! This frees you to spend it how you want - at a nice restaurant, watching TV all day in your pyjamas, or - anything you please!

Oldbatty I'm definitely with you on the 'false bonhomie' around this time of year, it all seems so patronising. I concur with the majority in this thread and think it would be better to spend Christmas day, just the two of you and be able to relax and do what you want. Which is exactly what my OH and I will be doing. Last year for us was spoilt by my DD having a major meltdown with my eldest DGS (10 years old at the time) and all the while OH and myself in the kitchen trying to do the meal. I don't want to put myself through that again and anyway it's her father's turn to host Christmas this year and good luck I say!

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. But you need to remind yourself that you deserve nothing but loyalty and honesty from your family. Respect must be earned and appreciation for your trust needs to be just as important for them to earn as it is for you feel. You should never settle for less than what you're worthy of. It's easy to say let sleeping dogs lie and spend Christmas far from those that do love you and want to be with you, you'll get through this. But it hurts knowing others will be celebrating with the fool that causes problems and he won't give a second thought to the hurt he's created.

Many of us have and still are in the same shoes you wear now. I have 3 DIL's, MIL, and a spineless husband of 39 years that has never defended me and used me as a scapegoat to unfulfill his commitment to the Marine Corps. I have grandchildren I am forbidden or grounded from seeing if I'm not a good grandmother so I walk on eggshells. I found my voice to put my MIL in her place after 35 years but I must tow the line if I want to see my grandchildren. To me its a small sacrifice for the loves of my life. I wish you luck and love and patience my friend.

I know where you are coming from. I also had a friend for many years who's husband was rude and couldn't handle the fact that he may not have known something and when I tried to inform him he would become rude and make out that I was wrong and didn't know what I was talking about and would pull stupid faces if he didn't like something that was being said his wife would just sit there and not pull him up about being rude etc.. then one day I also lost it and told him how I felt and now I don't see or bother with either of them and I feel so much better.

Just plan a wonderful day together with your lovely husband. Do you really need anyone else? Do something different and special for the two of you. Why share a lovely day with this horrible man? Arrange something for you and your sister to do together before or after Christmas. Just cut him out. And DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!!

I agree with other posters who say perhaps go away for Christmas. What a lovely treat for the two of you. And the bonus would be BIL would be surprised you’ve sorted something (better) for yourselves.
He sounds a horrible individual.

It does my nut in really! If you a Christian it is an important date . If you want to have some feasting to help with the winter gloom fair enough. But all this nonsense with families falling out ,its a load of old rubbish.

Just woman up, get some food and a few bottles of plonk and do your thing.

Why should someone be expected to put up with this type of rudeness from a person just because 'that is what they're like'?

Janeainsworth ... the brother in law started this with inflammatory remarks. When verbally attacked it’s often a natural reaction to go on the defensive, if you are not expecting it. To apologise to a verbal bully, he would only interpret that, as him being in the right. She was entitled to lose her temper, even the most placid amongst us do. She is obviously the better person anyway ... the scenario speaks for itself.

oldbatty
I couldn't agree more. fake bonhomie pleasantries uttered through gritted teeth and a large slug of your favourite tipple when they depart.

fluttERBY123
Grovel...GROVEL?
What a stupid ridiculous demeaning idea.

I think that if you have suffered years of this type of verbal abuse from someone you know, relative or not, for years and either suffered in silence or answered politely and it has made no difference, in the end something gives. Sometimes it may result in uncharacteristic behaviour from the person who has been the victim of this type of obnoxious bullying for the sake of peace.

This type of person is a verbal bully and everyone has been enabling him to carry on.
He will have a high opinion of himself and will self-justify everything he says.

I don't think you overreacted. As long as you and your sister are ok that is what matters. This man has very poor social skills if he thinks it is acceptable to make derogatory remarks or gestures about family members. There is no way a mother would tolerate such behaviour. I hope you enjoy your Christmas with DH and have some celebration with your sister.

Knspol ... why on earth should OP apologise for reacting to an insensitive and inflammatory remark, which could only be said to distress, no other excuse. By apologising to verbal bullies, you are enabling them to continue.
coconut because in her own words the OP ‘lost it’ and became ‘very angry’.
When anyone expresses their anger by losing their temper it automatically lowers them to the level of the person they are angry with, because they are meeting unpleasantness with verbal violence.
It isn’t ‘enabling a bully’ to apologise for losing one's temper.
If the OP apologises, she will regain the moral high ground and show herself to be a better person than the wretched BiL.
She could have calmly told him that her grandson’s living arrangements were none of his business and refused to discuss it further.
Easier said than done I know, but losing your temper rarely solves anything.

Knspol ... why on earth should OP apologise for reacting to an insensitive and inflammatory remark, which could only be said to distress, no other excuse. By apologising to verbal bullies, you are enabling them to continue.

mumofmadboys

I totally agree. Holding grudges is not the way forward and the holidays only make things more difficult.

A truce is in order and the two sisters should work together towards a peaceful resolution......the elephant in the room is that OP's brother in law thinks it's OK to disrespect OP and overstep her boundaries.

It's his own wife that needs to make him see that where OPs grandson lives is none of his business. It is inappropriate behavior to be 'pulling faces' and making offensive, unproductive comments. If he realizes that he's being unnecessarily hurtful, hopefully he will understand his own rudeness and offer OP an apology.

The holiday sounds brilliant. He sounds horrible.

Why do people set such store by all this fake bonhomie on the 25th December?

Surprised you have managed thirty-five years without a bust-up. He sounds like my ex father in law, who did everything he could to provoke a row within the family, and eventually you can't hold it in any longer.
Make sure you don't allow it t estrange you from your sister though; how does she feel about all this?

Reminds me of my DIL situation. What do you want out of all this? To be with them at Christmas - so - paste on a smile, grovel and that is what could happen. Best not to create a precedent for separate Christmases.

Watch out what people do, not so much what they say. Maybe your BIL does good deeds.

Jalima it occurs to me that he's probably been in this situation with others before now. I wonder how he got on at work? With his apparent attitude he'd surely have been in trouble before now. I wonder how his wife puts up with it. I hope sharp words have been said to him after the poor OP went home. At the very least this should have cast a bit of a shadow over their Christmas.
PS I'm not a nice person!