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Family fallout

(74 Posts)
Jeannie59 Mon 03-Dec-18 21:40:28

Hi all GNetters
I am in a bit of a dilemma.
Last Monday I had a fallout with my sister's husband, she has been with him over 35 years. He can be a rude man, if you say something he doesn't agree with he will pull faces and show that he is not interested.
We do have a laugh and tease each other though and normally I can ignore him when he has this head on.
Both my daughters and grandchildren live in oz and the U.S, and I miss them dreadfully. I went to the U.S to visit my eldest daughter and she and my 25 year old grandson took me to San Francisco, my grandson had his birthday with his mum and me, it was wonderful.
He told his mum it was the best birthday he had, when I told this to my sister and BIL he started to comment in how strange it was for a 25 year old to want to spend time with his mum and nan and I found myself justifying it, and then he started on about why my GS still lives at home in California, again I started to explain why and how he has thousands in the bank and is saving for his own place, it is very expensive over there
He started to pull a face and I lost it and I am sorry to say, I wasn't thinking on my feet and really was angry. My sister tried to calm me down, but there was no stopping me and I told them I didn't want to go there for Xmas day.
My sister agreed he was rude and out of order and he says things to her that make her cross and she is quite mild mannered. He has always been known for being rude.
Anyway my sister now tells me he doesn't want me at there house Xmas day!!! And that I over reacted. But me And her are ok.
I don't see my children very often and when I do see them I want to share it with family. But they are not interested as all their family live around them.
I am upset and now it will be just me and my husband over Xmas.
I appreciate I may have over reacted, but I am tired of feeling that my family don't exist, because they live abroad.

phoenix Mon 03-Dec-18 21:54:11

Sounds to me like you are better off out of it, as they used to say.

This man (from what you say) has no social graces, why on earth would you want to spend any time with him, Christmas or not?

There is no rule that says Christmas HAS to be spent with other people!

mcem Mon 03-Dec-18 22:02:57

Quiet pleasant day together and maybe FaceTime family. Ignore nasty man and have a relaxing time!

phoenix Mon 03-Dec-18 22:05:04

There is a lot to be said for it, eat at a time that suits you, if watching tv, then only 2 people to decide what to watch etc.

maryeliza54 Mon 03-Dec-18 22:10:34

You’ll have a much nicer time on your own without having to walk on eggshells at their place.It might be a blessing in disguise for him to have had a woman put him in his place and if it means he doesn’t want you at his house , so what. You’ll still be able to see your sister who perhaps should have sorted this oaf out years ago. You didn’t overreact. - I’m amazed you’ve enabled him over all these years. Sod him

merlotgran Mon 03-Dec-18 22:13:04

What phoenix and mcem said. He sounds like the sort of git man who would be on a mission to spoil Christmas Day for you so give him a wide berth.

Shame about not spending it with your sister but he's her problem.

Anja Mon 03-Dec-18 22:20:17

I’d get indigestion if I had to eat with this man on Christmas Day. Have a lovely Christmas Dinner, just you and your DH. No stress, no worries. Drink what you want, eat what you like, watch your favourite TV programmes......or even go away for a little break.

NanKate Mon 03-Dec-18 22:21:26

Some of the Christmasses DH and I have spent together alone have been great.

One time we went for a lovely walk by the Thames sat on a bench by the river drinking coffee from a flask and eating mince pies. We then went home put the turkey in the oven and put our feet up until the veg needed cooking which were already prepared. I think I lay on the sofa drinking a glass of champagne reading my book, then nodded off. DH finished off the cooking and voilà the meal was ready.

We then opened our gifts and watched an Agatha Christie play on tv.

What’s not to like ?

SpringyChicken Mon 03-Dec-18 22:27:52

If you've been suffering his comments in silence all these years , it will have come as a shock to him when you finally lost it. I'm sure you've said to sis that he went too far this time and she understands. As long as things are good between you and your sister, that's the important thing. Just make sure you see her regularly and he doesn't drive a wedge between you.

Bathsheba Mon 03-Dec-18 22:46:01

Nothing much to add really, except to say I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, free from this pig of a man. Well done you for putting an end to his boorish behaviour towards you once and for all.
Thank heavens for your very sensible sister, who understands you and won't allow her brute of a husband to damage your relationship with her. With any luck she'll take her cue from you and start shutting him down as well wink

SueDonim Mon 03-Dec-18 22:54:38

Why not ask your sister to spend Christmas with you? Then your deeply unpleasant BIL can spend the day stewing in his own juice.

mumofmadboys Mon 03-Dec-18 22:58:08

My response is a bit different to the previous ones. I would try and stop this row escalating and try and nip it in the bud. I would write a letter to them both and apologise for overeacting and say you didn't really mean that you didn't want to spend Christmas with them and you said it in the heat of the moment. Hopefully your BIL may follow your lead and apologise to you too for winding you up.The sooner these things are put right the less damage they do to the relationship in the long term. Good luck. Hope it all blows over.

Mapleleaf Mon 03-Dec-18 22:59:36

I've nothing to add, really, jeannie59. The other posters have said it all. It's good that you are still on good terms with your sister, though, and I hope you are both going to meet up regardless of what your BiL might think. It's probably done him the world of good to have someone at last stand up to him and give him a good telling off. Well done, and enjoy your Christmas. 🙂

Nanah67 Mon 03-Dec-18 23:04:01

In 2010 due to having snow and our sons away in oz we had Christmas on our was so pleasant just to do as we pleased .... very happy day and no pressures ...this year we have 13..just make the most of it and enjoy no walking on eggshells can be a relavation

Jalima1108 Mon 03-Dec-18 23:16:27

Jeanie59 I know someone like this and the only thing that makes it better than your situation is that we are not related.

Start planning a lovely Christmas Day for you and your DH - could you go away somewhere if it's not too late to book?
Personally, I would not want to spend my Christmas with someone like that, I would not feel relaxed.

I do hope that you and your sister can meet up though and maintain your sisterly bond; I'm sure she knows exactly what he is like. You may feel awful and rather guilty but everyone else will know what he's like too - you won't be the only one.


janeainsworth Tue 04-Dec-18 06:30:47

I agree with momb that it might be better to try to get back on an even keel with both your sister and your BiL, unpleasant though he sounds.
If you don’t, you’re possibly putting your sister in a difficult position - she may feel torn between you and her husband, and you may end up seeing a lot less of her.
I’m not a great fan of writing letters of apology though, as you don’t know how they will be received, and once written, they can’t be unwritten.
I would simply apologise to your sister for overreacting and invite her and BiL to your house perhaps on Boxing Day or New Year’s Day instead, and enjoy a nice dinner with your DH on Christmas Day.

I’m afraid that other people are usually not nearly so interested in our families and our holidays as we might like it imagine them to be.

Davidhs Tue 04-Dec-18 06:50:07

You lost it, nothing abnormal about that it happens all the time, apologizing quickly is the best way to avoid a lasting split. My wife hasn't spoken to her sister for 10 years all over a trivial row, it's my fault of course, I should have banged their heads together instead of trying to reason with them, then they would both have turned on me. Women!

NfkDumpling Tue 04-Dec-18 06:59:40

Is it just the four of you at Christmas or are you included in with all their family? It could be very awkward with just four even if you did make up.

You could write or email and apologise for having snapped and explain how much you miss your family - say that he can have no idea of what it’s like as he’s so lucky having his family around him. That what he said really hurt and you couldn’t laugh it off. That you’re really, really upset. That he’d soured a wonderful memory - And then apologise again.

Or perhaps your DH could intervene and explain? What does he think?

But on the whole I’m with the others. He goaded you, was very rude about your family, intentionally hurt your feelings and was then was surprised that you bit? He should be the one to apologise, but if that’s not likely to happen it’d probably be best if you did have a romantic Christmas a deux - and invite them over for New Year.

sodapop Tue 04-Dec-18 09:00:25

Sounds like your brother in law is a little jealous of your close family ties Jeannie he was definitely out of order. I don't agree with momb about the apology but perhaps you could both agree to draw a line under the incident and move on. Christmas with your partner can be a lovely relaxing time and chance to do your own thing as NanKate did.

EllanVannin Tue 04-Dec-18 09:05:47

All I can do is admire you for opening up after years of having bottled your feelings and thoughts about this character and for once in this sad man's life someone has stood up to him------good for you.
I would now steer clear and let him stew in his thoughts and just enjoy Christmas without the thought of having to be in his company.

David1968 Tue 04-Dec-18 10:25:16

Echoing the views of most GNs posting here - why not enjoy Christmas together in your own home - and invite your sister. Wishing you a wonderful and peaceful time.

luluaugust Tue 04-Dec-18 10:35:34

Interesting that when he said to your sister that he didn't want you there Christmas Day she didn't tell him where to get off. I am sure you will be able to arrange yourself a very nice day which you can tell him all about next time you see him, if you can be bothered!

Blinko Tue 04-Dec-18 10:39:11

Great idea, SueDonim grin

GabriellaG Tue 04-Dec-18 10:42:19

I agree with other posters who advise you to have a great time at home with your DH. Going to your sister's house would no doubt startvwith an unpleasant atmosphere, snide remarks and end in tears. Spoil yourselves at home this year or see if you can get a late hotel booking for 24-27th somewhere you haven't been before.
Good luck. smile

Nanny41 Tue 04-Dec-18 10:54:20

Just enjoy a lovely quiet Christmas Day doing what you want, eating when you want to and think of yourselves.Wishing you both a Happy Christmas.