Advice needed re Daughter's 40th Birthday

I think I would stick to flowers - very hard to take exception to a beautiful bunch of flowers.

I might be inclined to buy her something more personal.
Its her 40th, and she is still your daughter, although of course it doesn't change the situation, and I don't blame you for keeping your distance.

I'm sorry to read this. Falling out with a beloved child is so painful. I'm sure many on here will be sympathetic.
You have held out an olive branch. Give her a gift which you know she will like. If she needs money. Give her money.
Then leave her alone until after the birthday to avoid another crisis. You mention her daughters . Does that mean you see them though you don't see their mother?

How about finding out if theirs a beautician or spa near to her and getting a voucher for a pamper session.

In answer to Grammarreto's question, yes, I see my granddaughters as often as I can manage to travel, I'm disabled which is the reason behind the move, so it's not as easy to go as I would like, we were of course expecting to share the long distance journeys when the move was first planned. Two out of her 3 daughters now live with their Dad, as they can't stand the new man in her life, and unfortunately, after all the problems we had, it was a case of you won't see me if you can't accept my man, who in the first place we welcomed into our home, but who has since shown his true colours, controlling personality, drug user, and various other character traits that I'd prefer not to go into. You say to give her money, but when she left her marriage, she came away with the best part of £100k, two years later, she was evicted from the rented house they lived in, for non payment of rent, it had all gone up their noses, and on booze!! So money is something that I won't give her.

Thanks for the ideas so far, please keep them coming.

I think flowers are a good idea, I found some on the Waitrose site ( others available) in a lovely Emma Bridgewater jug, my daughter loved them.

Flowers are always lovely. If she is very hard up why not give her some vouchers for a clothing shop you know she likes. She can choose a treat or choose necessities. She is your daughter after all and if you keep the door open she may come back to you either emotionally or, given her partner’s issues, in person. Good luck.

How about a £50 note ? It'll be more appreciated than anything else.

What you don't want is, for you to buy a gift and, her to sell it. I hope that's not doing her an injustice. Flowers would also be my suggestion, next do some lovely ones online and might be more appropriate for someone her age

who says I spend every day of my life on here - I haven't 'seen' you for ages NudeJude!

I think a lovely bouquet of flowers, perhaps in a vase or the jug that sodapop suggested, would be a good idea. She'll know you haven't forgotten her and it won't be money or something she may not like.

Sorry I hadn't realised money was out. It sounds as though you've bailed her out too much in the past.
Maybe a personalised something?
I had something engraved as a gift.
You'll know what she likes.
My family all like vouchers to spend in their favourite shop.

It sounds as though the rift is still reparable.

The spa idea sounds good - could you work it so that you went together, (despite living so far apart - maybe somewhere in between) and have some quality time together.

If a girls' day out with pampering is too much in her view, given her financial situation, then maybe just lunch out and a shopping spree together. You can buy her something she really likes/wants and you get to talk to each other. Walking around town should be good for conversations - people often say that they find they can talk better if they are both facing the same way and not looking at each other.

No cash, nothing she can readily convert to cash (gift vouchers etc)

From what you say, she and the partner have a problem with substance abuse. It's no kindness to fund someone's habit, albeit unintentionally.

Flowers are a good choice.

If she is very short of money maybe a voucher for eg Next would be a good idea and a small box of chocs or bunch of flowers. Don't worry about your feelings. Hopefully things will gradually improve

How about a gold or silver necklace with her initial on?
I had two bouquets of flowers delivered to me this last year,
Expensive roses and carnations, and they both arrived flattened and best their best, a waste of money!

I was thinking of that.
A silver necklace, engraved for her.

JackyB there is nothing I would like better than sharing a girly type activity with my daughter, something that we often did in the past, but sadly it seems that she's not allowed out of his sight, or at least that's the impression we get. He seems to have alienated her from virtually all of her family and friends. Makes me SO sad, when I think that for her 30th we paid for, and organised a huge party for her which she absolutely loved.

Looks like it's got to be something engraved, so that she can't sell it, or risk half dead or damaged flowers.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, and if anyone else would like to contribute, please feel free, as I still have 10 days to sort something.

Jalima1108 - You may not have 'seen' me, but I'm always here hovering in the background.

I don’t think a girlie outing is a good idea at all. It sounds as though it could be very stressful trying to walk on all those eggshells and around any potentially sore points. I sympathise about not being able able to give cash or cash equivalent and of course gold jewellery is easily sold, even when engraved, and converted into cash so that doesn’t seem an option at all. I’m always delighted with artfully crafted flowers and at the moment I can’t think of anything better. I’ve had some truly superb flowers by post.

I do think it’s important for you to mark the milestone birthday in some way but do it in a low key way and try not to have any expectations about thanks or making friends again. I’m so sorry that you’re having to cope both with estrangement and the substance abuse issue. I know only too well how heartbreaking both can be.

Could you give her a call and ask her if she'd like to spend a day with you and you could maybe buy her the train ticket and take her for a meal?

Could you go and see a show together, a trip to the theatre usually goes down well?

Surely what sort of gift you may or may not give your daughter for her 40th is the least of your worries? Maybe sorting out your relationship is more important than what sort of gift to give her.

I think how to mark a child's 40th birthday is important to the relationship though apricity.
A child's 40th birthday seems such a milestone somehow, at least that how it feels to me.
It strikes me that poor jude is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't - if she gives money (which is what we did when DS reached 40) she knows what will happen to it, if she gives a present like flowers, it might be seen by her D as not enough and other things might be seen as inappropriate.
It sounds to me as though while Jude's D is with her present partner, nothing much is going to change. I'm sorry if that sounds defeatist, but sometimes things just have to be accepted.
Jude I would mark the occasion with a letter alonside whatever gift is chosen, making clear how much D means to you and saying that your door and heart will always be open. That would (hopefully) mean more to her than any gift.
After all it's the thought that counts.

If you want to improve the relationship then you should of course buy a gift. If she's broke but you don't feel money is appropriate then a voucher for a favourite shop plus maybe a nice bouquet of flowers as a little luxury item. You can only try...

Do you have lots of photographs of her? My friend got a wee album of photos on a big birthday, and loved it.

Might not be appropriate in this case, but I got an album of photoshopped pictures of me, where I appeared as one of the Spice Girls, the Queen, a nun, Hyacinth Bucket, the Virgin Mary, Mary Berry, Eliza Dolittle, Kelly Holmes, and others.