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Should I tell my sons?

(35 Posts)
Millie8 Fri 11-Jan-19 19:25:45

Sorry if this is a bit long but I'm worried and would appreciate your advice especially if you have experienced similar.

My 65yr old husband had stents fitted in his arteries in 2004, due to slight chest pain while he was out running. The Cardiologist said if he had been a couch potato he wouldnt have got the warning pain and the problem would have gone unnoticed until it was too late. He is tall, slim, very active, runs for 90 mins 3 times a week plus other excercise and has done this for the last 40 years. He can't eat fatty food, doesn't drink or smoke (for 40 yrs ). Has low cholesterol, good BP, is on statins and asprin. As you can see he is doing all the right things but he had a slight heart attack this December. He had more stents inserted and all is well now, there was no damage to his heart. Both Cardiologists said the only reason for the heart attack is family history - his father died age 62 after heart attacks and strokes and lead a very unhealthy life. This is why H has always taken care of himself as he doesn't want to end up like his Dad. There is nothing that can be done for our two boys in the way of prevention except to have healthy lifestyles.

My problem is, H wont tell our 2 boys - he looks at it as a weakness (typical alpha male!!!) But I think they have a right to know so they can make adjustments to their lives if they want to, especially as they are both planning to have children. They dont smoke but do like a drink and junk food and one does shift work.

Do you think I should tell the boys and swear them to secrecy? I want them to be aware but will it worry them too much? If we kept it secret, things have a way of getting out and I would hate them to find out we had kept it from them. What if similar happened to them and we haddn't warned them. If it was my Dad, I would want to know. I think everyone should know their familys health history.
Please dont suggest persuading H to tell them, I have tried all reasoning and he is adamant. angry.

Namsnanny Sat 12-Jan-19 00:53:45

As others have pointed out their your sons too!!

I think the same way as other posters....explain to him you feel badly keeping this info from your sons, and ask him to put himself in their/your shoes for a second.
If he still wont bring himself to see sense, tell him you will speak to them about their family health history and will be referring to their GF's and others family members heart problems. Strongly suggesting that your sons follow up on this info.
Leaving your husband to broach the subject when he is ready (after you've opened the discussion on it). Or your sons to ask him directly about his health.

A bit garbled but I hop you get the gist!! shamrock

MissAdventure Sat 12-Jan-19 02:04:17

Usually I'm all for adults having the right to do whatever they want, even if others don't agree, but not in this case.
I would go over your husbands wishes and tell your sons.
He has no right to keep that info from them.
Trust me, you do not want to lose a child.

BlueBelle Sat 12-Jan-19 04:30:00

You don’t need his permission to tell your sons it’s your choice it should never have been a secret they should have been the first to hear that he’d had a heart attack in December no matter if it was Big or small
I find it really unbelievable that he had a heart attack last month that was big enough to require hospital intervention and no one informed his children that would be my very first thought pick the phone up however far away they lived

Framilode Sat 12-Jan-19 06:35:37

My SIL's parents both died in their early fifties from heart problems. My SIL and his brother were well aware that there was a family problem and did everything they could to make sure this didn't happen to either of them. Both have young familes so they led a healthy lifestyle and had regular full check ups.

However, DIL's brother died very suddenly this year whilst exercising. Again in his early fifties. Genetics can play a large part in these things.

Framilode Sat 12-Jan-19 06:36:17

Sorry should say SIL.

eazybee Sat 12-Jan-19 09:07:49

The point is, your husband's obsessively healthy lifestyle did not prevent him from suffering chest pains and a small heart attack; his problem sounds congenital, and although his healthy body aided his recovery, it is medical science that saved him.

It seems extremely selfish, or vain, of him to expect you to keep his health problems secret. There is a possibility that his sons may be susceptible to the same disease as their father, plus the fact you are entitled to the relief of sharing your worries with them, and their emotional support. My children, then in their twenties, were wonderful when I was stricken with a potentially serious illness.
Ask him once more to tell them, and if he refuses again, say that you will, and Do It.

Grammaretto Sat 12-Jan-19 09:24:04

There is no reason why they are going to suffer the same fate as their father or grandfather. They may get something else!
We share everything with our DC. They all know what their grandparents and great grandparents died of.
My own DM used to enjoy telling everyone she was on borrowed time as she outlived her own parents by over 30 years.

aggie Sat 12-Jan-19 09:36:10

I can't understand how it escaped the notice of the sons that their Father had been in Hospital ! first thing I would have done would be to ring them for emotional support . They would have learnt about it then .

FarNorth Sat 12-Jan-19 10:43:22

Millie8, I'm glad you've decided to tell your sons, even if your DH still doesn't agree.
I guess you've been used to being good-humoured about his alpha male tendencies, but this is too important to be giving in to him.