my son has left his wife

I was in a similar situation, until my son finally decided to tell his ex that he really was never going back and was settled down with another woman. During the "not quite in the open" time it was really difficult to talk to either of them as I knew secrets for both of them and cared about them both. What happened was that it slowly dawned on all of us that it was actually better if neither of them told me anything they didn't want the other person knowing! Wish we'd all thought of that in the first place. Fortunately both of them had other people they could confide in who were not mutual friends.

And of course it was easier for me as neither of them lived with me - it's not easy for you, Grannibobs, to not know some of your son's business.

My ex moved home when i went abroad with his mum to sort out property sale. He stayed and looked after his dad. Upon return he remained as he works from home and was under a pressure with a campaign.
As the weeks went on unknown to me he began an affair - and his parents must have known as he went off for days at a time. Of course I found out, and not only was there one other woman, there was two. One was pregnant and had no idea he was married.
The knowledge his parents must have known compounded my pain. I was very close to them. Their reasoning was they didn't want to get involved, it wasn't there place, etc.
Your son needs to be honest with his wife. And if you want to maintain a relationship with DIL think carefully she won't feel the same as me if she finds out. I know it's hard. If he feels so strongly about this other woman he must tell her, you really need to talk to your son about how you feel, and perhaps he needs to think about how this will all affect the future.

Has it not occurred to you that she might know? She might be wondering whether you know and if she should tell you?

It sounds like she speaks to you if she asked you to take him in. I'm another who sees nothing wrong with him living with you. Presumably you know a lot more about the circumstances that you have shared with us.

If it were me I would have a serious conversation with my son about the future and what his plans are and then act on the result. One thing I would insist on is that his girlfriend did not stay over at my house. I wouldn't prohibit her from coming, if he sees her in his parents' home he may see her differently and she may appear less exciting. If you got to know her it would help you to deal with the situation.

It's your home but he expect you to help him cover up his sordid secret? Send him straight back to the marital nest (or tell him to find a B&B!) if he wants to play this game. If it all bows up in his face then maybe he'll learn to take responsibility instead of expecting "Mum To Make It Better".

I feel for you & I have been in this situation too.
All I can say is give it time- be just as friendly to them both & don't ever take sides.
It is very difficult but you can come out of this with your relationships with all parties intact. It is now 6 years since my DS left his wife. They are really good friends now although they have both had several new partners & take all decisions about children together- they go out as a family & even on the odd short holiday. It took time- my DiL had to forgive him & he had to admit his faults. They went to mediation & it was the best thing they could have done. They have not bothered getting divorced- he bought a house for her & lives in a flat just round the corner so children can stay with him too.
Just be there for them both & especially for your DGC.
It will all work out on the end if everyone gets over the hurt & is sensible in the long run.

If your son has recently left his wife and children, and is now seeing someone, I would question the timing. I very much suspect that he was already seeing this woman or at least had the intention. I also would feel upset that he has put you in this position of keeping a secret.

Well I'm going to be in the minority here but if it were my son (or daughter in my case) I would let them come back home ( I still tell my daughter this will always be her home) and just love and support them but let them deal with their own private business.

It seems to me that if your daughter in law asked you to take him in because she was worried about his mental state, then this has maybe given you a way out of your dilemma. You can’t tell your daughter in law what’s happening directly yourself but there may be an indirect way to bring the situation to a head. Sit your son down and tell him that he has two choices - he can either come clean with his wife or move out and find somewhere else to stay. Explain to him that you love them all, that you don’t want to see your daughter in law hurt and ask him if he realises that you risk losing your grandchildren if his wife sees this as collusion on your part - make it clear that this is unacceptable to you. Then contact your daughter in law and tell her you’ve suggested to him that he leaves. She will inevitably want to know why, so you can then tell her that she must ask your son to explain as you are not prepared to involve yourself any further. It’s then up to your son to explain himself to her and if he doesn’t, then make it clear he has to leave. If your daughter in law subsequently finds out about the affair, then at least she will know that you disapprove and did not enable his behaviour once you learned what was going on. A very difficult situation - I really feel for you and I hope things work out for you all.

I'm with Gran23 and Teetime. In most circumstances I'd be allowing son home.

Imo men rarely (if ever?) leave un less there's someone else in the background.
Hopefully this will pass but dil may harden and not have him back, who knows.

I can relate to this. My daughter was left by her husband at Christmas. They have two young children. He moved back to his mothers, then went to live with his new girlfriend. The idiot posted on facebook yesterday that he was in a new relationship. I actually think he expects people to be pleased for him.

The children are the most important people in this .
If you think there is a hope your DS could return to his own home, I think in your position I would wait until someone else broke the news of the other woman.
Have you met her BTW? Does she know her part in this unfolding drama?

Do your son and daughter-in-law regard this as a temporary separation, or are they agreed upon their marriage being over?

If their marriage is over and there is no chance of them coming together again, it really makes no difference that he is seeing another woman.

Whatever the case, tell him that you will not lie for him, Don't tell your DIL that he is seeing someone else. When she gets to know, as she will, tell her that you have known for some time, and had told your son he had to speak to her about this. You kept your mouth shut, being convinced that anything you said to her would only make matters worse, but that you have felt horrible keeping it secret from her.

Grannibobs. I'm with FarNorth. Show him what your standards are: Honesty has to be maintained. Unless he tells her he has to find another place to live and even then if he has not told her by (say a week or two, whatever seems feasible) you will tell her. Also do tell her face to face and support her.
I am so very sorry. I have seen this twice. With a son and a daughter of two friends. It was so distressing for the families. My friends maintained good relationships with the daughter and son in laws who were the "injured parties". So sad for the children too. Poor you.

My son came home after he discovered his partner of 3 years had been seeing someone else behind his back...he was devastated as it meant he didn't get the time with his daughter he was used to having.After we sorted out the childcare arrangments an dhe had her here with us for half the week he settled a bit but he didn't start a new realtionship for along time and any girlfriends he did have after a couple of years he kept away from his child as he didn't want her to be upset if it didn't work out.
Your son HAS to think of his children..his wife will come to terms with whats happened but his children will be his for life and he needs to consider whats best for them.""Falling out of love" isn't a reason to wal out on a family...you can work at it and get things back on track .Maybe he should think about doing that..and regaining his wifes trust .

Tread carefully or you might lose all of them.

What a strange situation. So its ok with DIL as long as S moves in with mum ?where do the children come into this.?

I think if your son has brought himself back to your home you could do with a few more details of whats gone on. At present you are in the dark as to whether this other lady was on the scene when he left, why exactly your DIL thought it would be good to send him home to you when they should have sorted anything out between themselves. How old are his sons, has he seen them and explained to them why he is not at home - what is going on here really. Something must have started all this. If I were you I would have to have a good long chat with him before offering too much support, he must tell his wife the truth and think of his children.

I would tell him you allowed him to come back into your home as you were hoping and giving him time to work out how he felt about and if he could be reconciled with his wife who you are very fond of. Tell him you are not happy he is seeing another woman as he is still married. I'd tell him he either gives up other woman or moves out. You will want to keep n good side of dil as you will want to continue to have access to dgc. Frankly your son is jeopardizing this. He needs to grow up and either end it with his wife ie divorce before seeing other women or sort out his issues with his wife. You are allowing him to behave badly, that is how his wife will see it too.

It’s always best to not get involved in some else’s marriage or it could come back to bite you. They must sort it out themselves, try not to worry too much time will bring a solution. Marriage breakups are always very painful but having had these experiences in my own family I know all your worrying won’t make any difference, things change people move on and things settle down.

I"m thinking this " other woman" is the reason he has left his wife in the first place, but has omitted to mention it initially. He should find a place of his own to live as he has put your loyalty in a very difficult position. It's not your place to tell his wife, but neither should your son have put you in such an awkward situation. It could look like you already knew about it, and are now condoning it.

If your DIL finds out that you would rather lie to her and enable her husband's adultery then be honest with everyone she will have good reason not to trust you at all, including with the care of her children.

Having been in the same situation over 30 years ago although the ex went to live for a few weeks with a friend before going to live with the other women, I would insist that your son tell his wife now or else you will. I would guess that daughter in law doesn't know although might suspect that there's someone else in his life as I did. In my case though as I found out weeks later that it seemed everyone else knew what was going on, seen them out together holding hands etc and I knew nothing until someone told my brother where he worked in the next village to me where she lived. We had 3 children at that time, 2, 6 and 10 years. The shit will hit the fan believe me! She must be told and she will be absolutely devastated to put it mildly. Be there for her and the children.

Grannibobs, you say you have told your son to tell his wife - or you will. Might I suggest that you give him a very clear time-frame for this (e.g. "tell her by 6.00.pm on Friday, or I will"). If you leave it "hanging", then this could become very awkward for you, as the days and weeks go on. (DS might simply keeps saying that he's: "going to tell her...." but never doing it. Thus putting you in a very difficult position indeed.) This is just a suggestion, but I have known of it being a helpful tactic in situations like this.

I’m sorry but your son should not be putting you in this situation. He has to leave and get a place of his own. He should not have told you if this affair., then you qoluld not have to lie to DiL. Have a serious talk with him ...tell him how you feel did-loyal to his wife while he makes you a party to his deception. Definitely needs to leave your home...you are making it too easy for him to dessert his family. Be strong!