Life Lessons

Thanks for your comments Urmstongran. I live in hope. I don't feel I can do anything else at the moment but just wait. Unfortunately she can be quite stubborn.

Anja my best wishes for 2019 and I hope people are kinder when you next need them. ?

And mumofmadboys it’s so upsetting isn’t it when adult siblings fall out? Sometimes our parents home is the hub and when they die (plus in your case very sadly, a sibling dies too) then everything shifts. 3 months (even through Christmas) isn’t long, though it’s raw and hurtful. I hope you and your sister make up soon. If she loves you she’ll be hurting too. Although she might be stubborn which doesn’t help (as my sister is/was). We sorted ourselves out in time. ??
Good luck.

Anja, please confide in us if it helps. Sometimes writing things down helps.GNetters on the whole are a kind and sympathetic bunch.x

Anja

My only sister stopped speaking to me 3 months ago. This followed a difficult discussion on the phone when I gently pointed out to her that she very rarely asked about my DH or kids. She largely talks about herself and her family. I was trying to improve things between us so our relationship could grow and deepen. Well it certainly didn't!! I have written since and phoned and spoke to her DH but she is refusing to have any contact with me. I feel so sad as our parents have died and she is all that I have left of my nuclear family. We have already lost a sibling. I hate fall outs of any sort and strive to put things right but I'm not sure I can in this case. She didn't even send us a Christmas card let alone presents. Not that I mind about presents but felt deeply saddened that she couldn't wish us a happy Christmas.

Mollyplop, I have a difficult relationship with one of my sons which hurts me a lot. He doesn't seem to give a damn about me. I have loved and supported him fully over the years but he evidently values his friends over me. I honestly don't think it's my fault but something in his character that is defective. There is no accounting for genes! Be kind to yourself, it ain't your fault.

nonnie Hi nonnie - perhaps I did not express myself sympathetically enough and I am only saying what has worked for me - not that it should work for others - and, as I said, it doesn't always work for me.
Btw I have experience of both of the examples you cited.

Anja, I hope you find support very soon.

In my case, I have been the one who was dropped from one day to the other 3 times in my life without ever knowing why. Two in my childhood which I still don’t understand. My best friend at the time age 6 and I spent every waking minute together but one day she passed my house without even looking over to say hello and we never played again. No explanation given and although I do see her occasionally when visiting parents she smiles and is pleasant but never explained. The same happened ten years ago when I was helping a colleague for years who went through divorce, financial difficulties and depression and it was always me who called, cheered her up and helped her in many practical ways. She subsequently moved and and did not ever call me (her phone numbers changed). I knew her sister and could have contacted her but I was so hurt, I grieved. Last year she contacted me and when after meeting her I asked why she had disappeard she said life got in the way and she could not remember. I may have tried too hard to help and now when I meet people I am fearful and wait for people to contact me. I am naturally one of those people who want to rescue the world but another life lesson for me is - we can’t. When I said “letting go” in my OP I meant letting go of people who clearly have moved away from us. Unfortunately I could not drop a friend.
My AC tell me I tend to make friends with people who have a lot of baggage or mental health issues and I should not take it personally. But do not all of us have a lot of baggage - that comes with age?
I have two beautiful longstanding friends and even though we have moved apart we always stay in contact and it feels as if we have never been apart when we meet. It is such a treasure.

I think GG is partly right but it's nice to have longstanding friends who are with you in the bad times and vice versa. But some people I haven't developed friendships with because I knew it wouldnt add to my life, in fact the opposite.
Good thread. I have learned a lot from it.

Nonnie - the only persons behaviour we can be responsible for is our own. We can give feedback to others if they have hurt us or otherwise impacted on our lives. We can speak out if we feel there has been something done which is morally or ethically wrong. We can (hopefully) be positive role models - including acknowledging and apologising when we have fouled up, which we all do as we’re human. But change other people or endorse damaging behaviour in others? No, that was not my intention.

I think my Life Lesson is, however hard you try, you will always be knocked back severely.
But you will always bounce back, whatever the trauma.
At least we have so far.

That, couple with never, ever having spare money used to bug me a LOT.
Now I'm thankful that I do at least have some good times in between and that I can pay rent and buy food.

At my age, I don't need the 'extras' although every now and again, I feel it might be nice to have a holiday, or eat out in a nice restaurant.

Nonnie, I agree with every word you say.

I tend to expect people to be nice, kind & friendly. Usually they are but on the few occasions when someone has been a bit self - focussed and a taker not a giver I have felt foolish for not seeing that!
Fortunately I have a great gang of long established friends that DH & I socialise with and we can rely on each other in times of need.
Also I have, since moving 8 yrs ago, made friends with 1/2 dozen local women. We look out for each other, socialise, look after each others' pets for holidays, shop for each other if one is incapacitated etc etc..and have a good few belly laughs too!
In addition I have friends, old & new, that I mainly communicate with on line due to distance and we offer each other support & advice and a listening ear! I feel very blessed! My life lesson... ecpect the best of people.

The life lesson I have learned (and it only took a few decades!) is that I don’t have to feel responsible for everything and everyone - at work, with friends, in my family and in society. I used to have a ridiculously overdeveloped sense of responsibility In the last decade or so, I have learned the hard lesson that I can only be responsible for myself, and that others (adults at least) must take responsibility for themselves. I still try to be kind and helpful, some habits are too hard to break, but I will let go if it’s clear that nothing is changing

Good luck Blinko. Hard isn't it?

I'm about to celebrate 60 years to the day of meeting my best friend in June. Just want to say it can work and beautifully.l

Nonnie, you have my sympathy. My source of grief at the mo is some family members acting like playground bullies. I'm trying to be the bigger person...

Sorry to hear that, Anja. Hope things are improving. If any of us can help even if just by sympathetic listening, we're here...

I have a magnet on my fridge. "The more I know of people the more I love my dog" So true!

I meet up about once monthly with a friend I have known for 30years ,, our last meeting and previous have all been about her,her family ,her aches and pains , she talked solidly for nearly two hours I listened, Not once did she ask how I was, I am thinking do I really want to meet up again with her, I came home feeling drained , my DH asked if I enjoyed my self , when I said , not really,, he asked why I keep going ,, I suppose I hope it might be better next time, but I don't think so,

mummsy bit harsh to all those cut out of their GC's lives through no fault of their own. How can they decide to be happy? What about those who have been raped, can they choose to be happy? So many times one has no choice.

I have learned that my happiness is no-one's responsibility but mine. I am the one who is best placed to decide what makes me happy and to ensure that's what I aim for - no, it doesn't always work out. There are factors over which we have no control. Do not hold other people responsible it is up to you to find what makes you happy. If you have to cut people from your life because their behaviour makes you miserable try to do it without causing misery.
And forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and make bad choices but take a look at them, pat yourself on the back for learning from them and then forgive yourself for making them....and move on.

Anja call on the outsider if you need her.

Thank you Nonnie

Yes, you ate right about those closest and those we don’t know as well. Strange creatures aren’t we? And as you know it’s complicated.

Thanks for the flowers. I’ve put them in a virtual vase where I can see them.

Anja I'm sorry to hear that. I wonder if you perhaps haven't told everyone, perhaps someone would have been there for you if they had known? It is not always the people closest who are the most supportive as they may share your problems. Sometimes it is the ones you don't know so well who come up trumps when needed.