Need you again

Annie you said that your DD and her DH wanted to buy a bungalow for you to move into, so to that extent your Sil must be on board regarding you moving closer to them.

I understand the 'pull of the mountains'.
My loch and mountains are far away, but I need to be close to my little family.

I have 2 Large round granite stones from Caithness, my grandfather carried them with him on his journey south (Glasgow) in the 1920s to look for work.
His little piece of home.

You also could take a little piece of home If and when you decide to make the move.

I'm not so sure now Anniebach. The way you have described your SIL makes me wonder if there could be some difficulties if you do move nearer your daughter. He doesn't sound as if would be very welcoming, in fact, although he seems to love your daughter very much and wants to please her.

I have known older people who moved to be nearer their adult DC then the adult DC have to move because of work. The elderly parent has then either had to move again or be left in an area they don't know well.

It's a very difficult decision and not helped by the love you have for your country too and Hiraeth could be a very powerful thing.

We're always here for you, wherever you are

How much is going on in the village near them and would you want to start joining in with village life too? I know that some villages have more going on than towns - would you want to get out on Fred and join in with the community?

I too am concerned about the son in law. Until I read about his attitude I'd got very little doubt that the move would be anything but a good thing.

Now though I'm wondering how he'd cope with and react to anniebach being a more constant presence and his wife's attention being diverted on a regular basis even though it would be arranged so as not to affect him directly in any physical sense. Jealousy and similar emotions are often not logical. I think it would make me feel uncomfortable and not very welcome.

Younger daughter said there are many interests there for retired people. I hope I will be out on Fred this Spring.

I just don’t know, I use to be able to reach decisions but my self confidence has hit rock bottom .

I am very isolated and moving would ease this, but when I overcome this damn phobia perhaps I will be less isolated.

I could slap myself for always supporting my sisters , jumping when they said jump, fitting in with their needs and demands . When one sister remarried she decided to move to Scotland, I said what about the boys, she had three teenage sons, she said ‘ I know you will be here for them and off she went, another sister was nursing in Cardiff , poor girl loved nursing but the childrens Ward realy distressed her, my father asked me to have her stay with me for a couple of weeks to rest, she stayed over two years! I was always the peace maker , until i learned they were all in a chat room discussing my darling daughter when she was so ill in hospital , I told them to sod off out of that chat and leave my girl her dignity. This was two years ago and they haven’t spoken to me since, they even stopped sending my grandchildren birthday cards , it is so difficult, we live in the same town. I miss them . I did make contact just before Christmas with the youngest, the one who had lived with me, in the exchange of emails I asked her why she didn’t contact me when Catherine died, she said she had her own grief to cope with. When our parents died I comforted her , I had to arrange everything because they were too distressed ! Why the hell do I miss them

In that case I think you should go Annie.

My parents moved 12 years ago from their home 100 miles away to just round the corner for me. They said it was the best move they had made. I knew if they needed me I would be there within minutes and as it turned out this was invaluable as they got older. We all benefitted from the move and enjoyed the latter years of their lives. My mum is still here at 98. They did not leave anything behind and never looked back.

I've just come back to this thread and I'm having doubts like Jalima and Tartlet.

Your son in law sounds quite unpleasant. Most SiL's get the heebie-jeebies at the thought of MiL moving nearby but if there's a sensible approach to the relationship and plenty of give and take on both sides, a decent and caring husband would be willing to support whenever necessary even if he preferred to keep MiL at arm's length.

You don't have to be in eachother's pockets but never to see him? That's not normal.

It's a tricky one and only you can make the decision but you don't want to be swapping one life of anxiety for another one.

You are on a circular path, Annie You can't make up your mind whether to move because your self-confidence and decision-making is shattered. They are shattered because you are isolated and surrounded by unhappy memories. Moving to near your younger daughter would give you layers of better experiences and memories, but you are hindered from choosing that by the fear of making the wrong decision.

If you can break the circle at some point you will be able to start drawing other paths to follow to lift you out of the rut you dig by going round and round. Your counselling is a good start. Discussing it with someone neutral who can help you will clarify what is the best way forward.

My own suspicion is that despite all the old, good memories you have, you also have lots of bad connmotations, and the exact house and area you are living in at the moment are not doing you any good. You need to forge some new connections to lighten and sweeten your life. You won't leave behind the old life, that will always be a part of you, but you will have more sunshine to light and warm your way forward through the future that lies ahead of you.

I think a long visit would be a good way to decide, particularly with son in law being rather cold and distant.
As long as you see your daughter it could well work, but it would be an opportunity to see if he would be happy for you to be in close proximity without it causing a problem.

Once you are out and about on Fred Anniebach (positive thinking ), are there friends you could meet up with / visit where you are now?

Anniebach, do you have any real concerns about your son in law or are you reasonably comfortable that the ‘at a distance’ relationship will continue to work (if that’s the right word).

my younger daughter phoned yesterday , they had been looking at properties yesterday morning, she wants to furnish the bungalow so I can leave all things connected to this bungalow behind , a fresh start !

I will have to make a decision soon.

Oh Annie, go for it! There will be things going on in the village/town and your daughter will be near by if you need her. Take Wales with you, you won’t forget it.

I think your daughter’s enthusiasm will carry you along with her. I read a sentence in a book that has resonated with me: “every lightbulb changed felt like a betrayal.” It was about a woman who had lost her young son to a drug overdose. The whole family felt they couldn’t move forward, that somehow they needed to remain exactly as they were when he died. Perhaps this is partly why you are reluctant to move away ( although I know hiraeth is part of it.)

Whatever you decide to do you'll always take Wales and people in your heart with you.

I wish I could explain it but it can’t be explained, it’s not just thoughts and memories, it’s also a physical feeling , I have it in my stomach now.

It will certainly be a huge change in your circumstances, and if you believe that it will truly be a fresh start, you don't really need to question it. But you understandably have doubts and fears.

I don't think you should allow yourself to be pressurised into this when you are so vulnerable. Why can't your daughter give you time to give your therapy a chance to work? The need to decide quickly is only going to add to your stress. What is right for you at this point in time? Why the urgency? Surely it's not now or never? Couldn't you ask her to delay for a few months if that's what you feel you need?

As you start to feel better able to cope, you could make visits to your daughter and see for yourself that this move would be good for you or you may want to do domething completely different. Who knows!

Annie - have you talked to your therapist about this possible move? What does (s)he think? I tend to agree with NanaMacGeek - don’t be too hasty. It’s not a ‘now or never’ situation. Good luck!

Yes, phone your daughter and ask her to slow down - not to stop altogether but to take it slowly as you have only just begun to talk things over with your therapist and sort out your feelings about everything. Looking at properties is OK, that doesn't commit her or you to anything, it just gives you both an idea of what is available. It also gives you photos to see of those properties and the views from their windows. The views are important, they need to entice you out with Fred, not trap you inside.

The sensation in your stomach is fear of the unknown. At the moment you are surrounded by memories of the known, much of which are good but some are unpleasant but all of them are familiar. If/when you move nearer your daughter, you will get some other experiences to dilute the bad memories, but until you get those experiences, you are afraid that you will have to let go of the past, bad and good.

Talk to your therapist about your stomach as well as your thoughts. Your body as well as your mind needs help.

Oh hell, just had call from council, new windows and doors to be fitted , just don’t need that ?

Oh Annie, I have read most of the posts on here, and all the support that you are getting. I know if it were me, I would move to be near my daughter, in a heartbeat, but then our SIL is another son, and not at all awkward or difficult.
You need your daughter, and you would not be living in the same house, but a little distant.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you, and know exactly how to solve this dilemma. In your heart of hearts, what seems to come through, is that you do want to move, but...
The mountains have been your ‘home’ for a lifetime, but don’t let them smother you.
No, you don’t want the bother of new doors and windows, but the workmen will bring chat and a lift int o your home.
Best wishes my lovely, and think on, as they say.

Annie will be noidy and annoying when it happens..but cosy when done! Have 4 blokes atm fitting new windows in the bedroom!

I know my earlier post asked if you want to live in Lincolnshire and said I wouldn't move from my current home. But I moved several hundred miles with my husband and brought my parents with me - they loved the countryside and village we came to. I couldn't have left them behind as I'd have been running back every five minutes to make sure they were OK.
As for Lincolnshire, it's not all flat. There are the Wolds and Lincoln is built on a hill. The flat bits mean you have big skies and the sun doesn't disappear behind a mountain halfway through the afternoon in winter (it does here!).
Take some familiar things if you decide to go so that the new place feels like home. Maybe you could have one or two photos of favourite mountain views printed as large canvas pictures.

If the new windows are simply replacements for old double glazed windows, the disruption should be minimal. We had new doors and windows installed throughout in October; took 4 days and caused no difficulties. The house is now warmer and the sound-proofing much better so well worth having it done in case you decide not to move!

Anniebach you know I am Welsh and proud too. You have been through so much and looked after others with love. Maybe time now to accept younger daughters help?

Wales NHS and care system is shaky at best, maybe you can consider letting go?

Only you can decide. Good luck.