Need you again

I was really thinking that you should go and be near your daughter as she needs to know that you are safe and cared for, although your description of your SiL set the alarm bells rang. My SiL is the same, but we have to go on living despite them.

However, on balance in your shoes I'd go. I think it would make you very happy to spend more time with your daughter and she would be happier to have you close by. She's clearly concerned about you and it would be a comfort to her to have you where she can keep an eye on you. Wouldn't it be comforting to know that should you need her, she can just pop round and isn't a 5 hour drive away? It's clearly the way she's thinking.

It's a huge decision and you will know in your heart what is right for you. x

May I propose a slightly different emphasis?

A couple of years ago my own beloved in-laws recently moved to live closer to me. When they were downsizing and discussing where to move to they were thinking of going to another town and part of their reasoning was that they didn't want to move here and perhaps be a burden to me. Fortunately my daughter told them straight out that wherever they lived I would be looking after them and so would they please make it easier for me to do so by living nearby, rather than me having to drive out to them.

Your daughter obviously loves you dearly and I'm sure it will be a great reassurance to her if you are living nearby. The relationship with your son-in-law may also thaw when he sees how much happier your daughter is to have you at hand - and if it doesn't nobody is any the worse off.

Another point, Annie has had big problems venturing out recently.
We have to take this into account, as well as the advantages of being near her daughter.
Moving house is very difficult at our age, I did it last year. I think you're younger than me, Annie .

Thank you all

I have given this so much thought, such a big decision.

I am having EMDR therapy and at times it’s upsetting, brings back memories and emotions which are suppressed .

I think moving near my younger daughter is sensible and something which would make us both happy. But when/if I do move I want to find myself first, my self confidence is so low, making a decision is difficult, and the wretched agoraphobia.

I can’t yet walk to the end of the front path , about 7 ft. so 220 miles is terrifying. I don’t want to leave one prison for another, I want to go to the coffee shop, garden centre, church as I use to with my daughters and my younger daughter wants this too.

So I need to start working on the small goals first then I can move on .

I am grateful for every post, thank you so much x

I think that’s a wise decision, Anniebach. Good luck!

Annie, I was thinking about your agrophphobia problem and it might disappear if you where in fresh surroundings. You could have some sedation from the doctors for the journey. If you don't have any precious memories in your present home, it could be a lovely new life for you (and your daughter) having said that, I have been in Norfolk since 1972 and still feel like a newcomer!

Wishing you well with your plans to cope with your agoraphobia Annie. Tiny steps literally and emotionally is the way to go. A day at a time. You are a strong, brave lady and I'm sure we're all willing you to be able to go out again when the warmer days of spring arrive. x

Wot. x
I don’t want to move in the hope the phobia will disappear, if it didn’t then I would still be imprisoned . There is also the thought my son in law could decide to move , in 14 years they have moved four times . He is involved with an animal reserve in Africa and about two years ago thought about spending more time there ! I suppose he is rootless but I am the very opposite.
This week I have been in such turmoil. The therapy is unsettling too.

My mother in law is moving into a care home next week,this has caused my younger daughter distress, she is concerned her grandmother has no family here to visit her, I think this caused her to worry about me. Mother in Law is over 90!

So I have asked her to give me time to get over the phobia and eating disorder , she agrees .

That sounds like a sensible decision for you annie and will be a motivation to continue the struggle against the agoraphobia. I wish you lots of good luck with this challenge.

Just popped back to see how you are doing Annie. Such a hard decision for you.

I think that is the best way forward Annie and I hope it also settles your mind. It is stress you do not need at the moment.

That sounds good Anniebach - keeping an open mind means you are under no pressure and pressure is the last thing you need.
I hope your mind has been put at rest, agonising over major decisions is no fun is it?

Thank you x

With all the pressure of having to decide to move came the council phone call about new windows and doors, if I was living in a house not a bungalow I would have felt like jumping from the bedroom window. It’s horrid living in council property, council can inspect your garden , inspect you house , doesn’t feel like a home, it’s just a property owned by the council. My door bell is broken, had to apply for permission to have that now I have to apply for permission to replace it, they are not paying for it or fitting it!

True Maw , I don’t need pressure now, have always been able to cope but not now.

Hell, I do moan , sorry

Annie, I'm a firm believer that having a moan helps to get anxious thoughts out of the system. Talking is a therapy in itself and 'talking' on GN helps us to stay grounded. You have more cause than most to feel anxious and listening is something we do well. Moan away!

Have a hug for Friday. xx

Well done for making your very sensible decision, Annie. I know how unsettling it can be when your mind is whirring this way and that. I hope the EMDR, although painful, brings reward and that Fred and you make it to a nice coffee shop in the Spring.
When the council men come to do your windows, just log on to GN and have a good natter.

Told my therapist, I have made the right decision.

Have decided when they come to fit windows and doors I will ask them to fit the bedroom window first, then the dogs, my iPad and I can shut ourselves in the bedroom and they can carry on in the rest of the bungalow, me thinks we will have to keep our legs crossed for rather a long time !

Just revisiting your thread Annie, I have to say your s-i-l does sound a bit strange, particularly in not attending your older daughter's funeral, I would have thought for such an event he could have managed to take time off to support his wife, who you say he adores. I guess all relationships are different and outsiders can't always understand the dynamic, but it does sound a very exclusionary relationship as far ass you and the extended family are concerned. Obviously he is a complex character I'm just wondering do you like him? Of course he's a secondary consideration, particularly as he's away a lot. Your daughter sounds very caring, but a bit in thrall to him, given the defined demarcation lines that he expects her to adhere to when he is around

Once again I do wish you happiness after the traumatic past few years

I didn’t know you had dogs Anniebach - good company. What do you have?

Terri ok, no I don’t like him , I have tried and always made him welcome as I did with my two other sons in law.
He had an isolated childhood, I think this makes our extended family difficult to understand, he has made his own way in life and has been very successful, i admire him for this, my younger daughter understands him so this is what matters, they are very happy together . We did have a big disagreement about five years ago, he said something unkind about my elder daughter, I blew a fuse. We haven’t had any contact since.

Therapist said I had made the right decision, if I want to ‘find me’, I need to do it here where ‘I lost me’. So freedom from the agoraphobia comes top of priorities.

This EMDR certaintly stirs up the past, I find it upsetting at times , supressed happenings coming to mind are painful.

Thank you all x

Lisa, have never been without dogs since my grandfather bought my first when I was young. Have always had terriers, Westies and Yorkshires ‘ now I have Lottie a Yorkshire and Rosie who is the first non terrier and first cross I have had, she is half King Charles spaniel half Bichon, so a sweet little dog and good company for Lottie, Lottie is 8 years, Rosie 9months . I still miss Westies, my one weakness ?

Oh, that’s great you have the company. Does someone walk them for you, or do you have a garden they potter in? We had cairn terriers when I was little. They were all called Sian - when one died, my mother would get another and call it Sian

Lisa, they are walked and have a garden , they also have most of the bed whilst I am allowed to share it ?, my elder daughter had a Cairn as well as other breeds, younger daughter has a Westie, Spaniel, Jack Russell and Lab, plus four cats , we love dogs