Can anybody relate to this?

Maybe you should sit them down and read to them what you have written here.

Even things like family dos, there are some "free spirited" family members who flit in and out, are famously unreliable and everyone thinks they're adorable for it!
Me? Im moaned at and guilt tripped if I have a GENUINE reason for not making it or needing to leave early....

Reliable capable old notanan! Thats me! I wanna be a flighty free spirit with no cares sometimes though!!!

Maybe you should take yourself off for a couple of days and see how they all manage.

They would manage fine they are perfectly capable but it would tail off once I got back. It always does. So my choices are either nag nag nag on a cycle and "micro manage" them so they keep on top of the stuff they leave to me, or do it myself because nagging is exhausting, until I get to the point where I "strike" and then they step up....for a bit...

There must be something about me, people see "capable" even if my back is breaking under the strain. At home & at work & in friendship groups.
People say infuriating things like "oh but Im not as good at it as you" YES YOU BLOODY WOULD BE IF YOU DID IT ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.

I have family members who get away with being "scatty" and doing FA to help but if I drop the ball people get angry at me.

I dont know why some people get mollycoddled and others get dumped on. I'm no martyr I dont think I ask for it??

You are right Maw losing it does just make you feel guilty. I thought we were getting somewhere this week but we seem to be back to square one again.

Oh without a doubt dragonfly, I think the time of year doesn’t help, I’ve grown to hate January with a vengeance as it seems to be the awful month where everything goes wrong, illness everywhere in family and who do they turn too.....! You’re not alone, but getting it off your chest helps. Let’s hope spring will be here soon, with lighter days and daffies and snowdrops everywhere x

Throughout the years of Paw’s illness I frequently felt the need for a silent scream as I coped with everything, practical, medical, personal and emotional. That is not to say he didn’t care but had so much to cope with himself, I had to be the competent and practical one.
Now that I am on my own the assumption is that I am “coping well” - more silent screams. But I have to get on with it and do (and be ) the best I can.
However.....if you don’t ask, you rarely get so take a deep breath, work out what you do need and want and what it would take to get there. (I found “losing it” less effective and it just gave me massive feelings of guilt afterwards)

Notanan2 I am so sorry to hear this.
When I wrote this post I was sickening for a virus which presented itself the next day. I am now back on an even keel.
However, at the time I did have a meltdown and screamed a little at my poor DH and since then he has being trying really hard. Sometimes you have to make your point in no uncertain terms. Maybe you should take yourself off for a couple of days and see how they all manage.

Im not a people pleaser or unable to say no, however I am PERCIEVED as strong and capable, even if Im not and am struggling. Other members of the family get "looked after" more because they are percieved as more fragile. But they're not theyre perfectly capable but theyre always left off the hook whereas I am never off the hook, Im never given a break [strong] even if I DEMAND a break it is short lived, then all if the responsibilities are piled back onto me, because apparently, I can manage (I am not managing I feel broken!)

inishowen
I have one of those
I haven't had to cook or food shop since early 2000s when he retired. Don't have to think about repairs to the bungalow ( he practically rebuilt it) same with cars/money.
I do the holidays as he knows: if I'm happy he's happy [
It might sound as if it's all one way. But he is very happy in that I don't mind one bit when he goes away 4 times a year to race his car, fishing weekends/ jollies to Spain or Portugal with the lads.
It works perfectly for the two of us.

I'm exactly the same and a people pleaser as well so always doing things even when I don't really want to. I just feel as if I want someone to look after me too, no idea how to go about it tho

Belatedly joining in . Have RA. Not in the best of health. Do everything ie bills phoning holidays letters etc. Tried to get husband to help but he did filing backto front and upside down. He now has memory problem so can’t help and would be reticent anyhow. Wish someone would look after me. Am a bit resentful. Felt put on for most of marriage.

The trouble with us, the strong people who keep everyone else going, is that when it comes to saying, 'No, sorry, I'm afraid I'm not up to it at the moment' - we're weak. We find it hard to say 'no' for a variety of reasons.

This is actually not the case with me. I have said no in a variety of ways, quietly and loudly, but no-one takes the rains more than temporarily.

E.g. if I dont plan the family holiday it just doesnt happen.
If I ASK DH to plan the family holiday he talks my ear off about it to the point where I feel like I'm doing it anyway, then he forgets the vital stuff and leaves it to me to pick up the pieces and find solutions when he has booked accommodation with no late check in and our transport gets us there at midnight.

I have tried helping, not helping, striking, ignoring and refusing. But it still falls back on my lap eventually.

Other family members claim to be "not good" at tasks. They "just forgot" a lot. And it falls to me. But if I were to overlook things theres noone there helping me to keep on top of things.

Thats the worst thing. Im everyone elses safety net. Who is my safety net?

Your mum was very wise there SpringyChicken. Great advice. I must have been listening at the door. ?

The trouble with us, the strong people who keep everyone else going, is that when it comes to saying, 'No, sorry, I'm afraid I'm not up to it at the moment' - we're weak. We find it hard to say 'no' for a variety of reasons.

But dear dragonfly46 you have to be strong for your own sake now.

Did your husband throw a deliberate wobbly and refuse to eat or did he just forget? If there's any possibility it was the former, then surround him with snacks before you go out next time and if he does it again, tell your GP. This is a sort of abuse and certainly a clever manipulation

I know you were disappointed about Madeira, that was such a shame but you are also feeling taken for granted and sick of it all.
You may have been the strong one but you didn't make any of them weak, stupid or totally incapable!!

They CAN do it for themselves; they'd have to if you weren't there.

I sincerely doubt your husband would starve himself to death if you took a few days off - he would be forced to learn how to feed himself (something most primates do at an early age .) And that would be a very useful exercise indeed.

Can you be strong enough to put yourself first and not be swayed by the pleas of others?
For your sake I hope so - or you'll end up in hospital with exhaustion.

Buy yourself you favourite magazine,make a cup of tea/coffee/wine,run a nice bath and get in it and stay as long as you can------sorry about your holiday,just had to cancel ours due to husbands back,feel very sad as was looking forward to seeing dear cousin in NZ.But not meant to be so have been asking friends of ours over for lunch and had nice visit today with old friends,which diverted husband from his discomfort.You must be very thoughtful to help everyone,look after yourself,good luck.

Dragonfly, I know just how you feel. I’m the oldest of 4 and have always thought that I should solve any problems which cropped up. In fact if there was a problem I need to sort it so it’s probably my own fault that I’ve always been Mrs Fixit for the whole family. But I’ve gradually been divesting myself of that role, not so much by saying No outright but asking ‘isn’t that something you/he/they could do?’ and my ready answer to the ‘oh but you’d do it so much better’ rejoinder is that it’s because I’ve had so much practise and now someone needs to practise as I won’t be here for ever. So far everyone’s taken it in good part and my load is getting smaller.

There is a list of abbreviations, Kapitan. Click on "Acronyms" up near the top of the page.

DH, DC, DM. DGS, DGD, DW. What do they mean?

Its like that psychological precipice, keep falling into a deep well and it’s not so easy to get out. Take care all those who need hugs.

Violette you have kicked my problems into touch! I am so sorry for you and all the other people here in a similar position.

I have just had a call from a friend who cheered me up and put things into perspective. Hopefully my husbands back will be better by the time I have my mastectomy.

I am amazed so many of us are in the same boat ,,,,,,with no help whatever ! My husband has always been someone who has no empathy with others and a ME ME ME attitude ,,the doc and put it down to a personality disorder ,, but he was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease, dementia and now has cancer as well. I am so SO SO tired ...I have tons of washing every day and he has regressed into childhood and is demanding and throws things ,,,he has broken so many things (door handles, windows, etc) I was at the end of my tether ,,so I bit the bullet and he is now in a respite care home (had to use my savings ,,,,but I need to go to the UK for a week to sort out some things, and there was no choice) I was advised not to visit him before I left, as whenever he was in hospital and I visited every day he just said I WANT TO GO HOME .......and threatening to walk out and go home ...........mind you, I have been so busy whilst he has been gone for the first two days I am now exhausted again ! ha ha ........his daughter (with his late wife) tells me she cannot visit as 'your house is too hard to find'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOT !...on his side, I do know he totally refurbished and decorated her house when she bought it ,,,I feel bad for him ,,,although with the illness he hardly realises ................I am 71 he is 85 and I feel too old to be looking after a 2 year old alone, full time ! Sounds awful I know, but he is very very difficult and when I was ill three times with cancer and secondaries he told me to 'STOP MAKING IT UP'........rant over ...you all have my sympathies

I agree with springy. Like most of us I've facilitated my OP and DCs. I shouldn't have done. It incapacitates the other person or people. It is hard to undo but can be done.

Exactly notanan 2!!

My mum gave me some excellent advice when I got married 40+ years ago - "Don't be too capable". She'd learned the hard way.
You can't change other people's behaviour, just your own. So harden your heart a little and say no or don't know.
My friend's mother died suddenly and her father had relied totally on his wife until that point. My friend thought he'd not cope but he's done very nicely thank you. Your family will adjust too if you can step back.

And sometimes I strike not so quietly, and DH promises to take on more, and then thats fine for a few months until it tails off again..