Gransnet forums


Can anybody relate to this?

(112 Posts)
dragonfly46 Mon 21-Jan-19 08:38:57

In my family I have always been the capable one. I have cared for everyone, including my parents. If anyone, parents, DH, DC has a problem they ring me and more often than not I find a solution. I manage our money, book holidays, sort out tradesmen etc.

And now I am tired of it. I want someone to care for me and fix things but I feel I have made a rod for my own back as nobody knows how.

Sorry to sound as if I am wallowing but not feeling so good today. I am sure it will pass.

EllanVannin Mon 21-Jan-19 08:54:12

Mentally it's quite draining dragonfly and you just feel at times that you won't cope should anything else crop up. I know how you feel and can sympathise with you.
Just an offer of someone making a cup of tea for you would give a lift !

Because you've done everything, like myself, people imagine that you can still carry on doing.
It will pass---------when something else crops up !smile sad

GrannyGravy13 Mon 21-Jan-19 08:59:00

dragonfly 💐💐💐💐

It’s hard when we have done it all, and suddenly “all” just becomes too much.

Teetime Mon 21-Jan-19 08:59:23

Well apparently today is known as Blue Monday so it could be that you feel extra 'blue' today. Try and do something for yourself today and carve out some time for your self each week.

MawBroon Mon 21-Jan-19 09:03:01

I can totally sympathise Dragonfly that was me.
But you are you and could not be otherwise.
However, you have got more than enough on your plate so perhaps somebody else in the family needs a wake up call?
But if you do not ask for help or admit that the waters are closing over your head, they will assume you are coping and indeed happy to do so

Grannyknot Mon 21-Jan-19 09:03:19

dragonfly I know that feeling, I tend to be like that too and I'm sorry to see that my daughter is the same - always organising everything, holidays, workmen etc - the list is long.

Unless I'm mistaken, you have a health worry at the moment.

Just stop doing for everyone else and perhaps say "Sorry, but I'm my number one priority at the moment".

I really believe that sometimes you have to verbalise things in plain language for people to understand! And then of course, act on it.


Auntieflo Mon 21-Jan-19 09:06:45

Dragonfly, you and me both. I have felt the same at times, though happily not now. As you say, I think we make a rod for our own backs.
I know you are going through a rough patch, it will pass, you are strong, too strong, for your own good.
Sending a hug and prayers to you and flowers
Take care of yourself and if possible a little pampering and spoiling.

Bridgeit Mon 21-Jan-19 09:07:43

YesI too can relate to these feelings, so first I am sending you a big hug.
Any small request feels like a huge effort is required I want to say No, but feel that I can not.
Perhaps as has been suggested to me, all we have to do is ask, how will anyone know if we don’t say anything & carry on, maybe they also believe they would be offending you if they intervene.
So take the bull by the horns, express your feelings and ask for help & decline any request that you don’t want to take on . Best wishes💐

kittylester Mon 21-Jan-19 09:09:03


I'm not surprised that you feel like that with all the added stress you currently have. And, as Teetime says, it's blue Monday.

Women do seem to be the 'go to people' and sometimes we wish we weren't even though we usually love it. And, it's always there isn't it, even though we might do something lovely to take our minds off it.

Not much help but you are definitely not alone.

Humbertbear Mon 21-Jan-19 09:20:17

Dragonfly - you are not alone. I care for my mother and my husband and the grand children and my sister ...... I often feel as if nobody cares for me. Sometimes I sit in the car and scream. Sometimes I feel as if I have been drained dry.Try taking a day off and going out on your own. Also, try delegating, gently but firmly, some small tasks. I really feel for you but I don’t know if it will help you to k ow that you are not alone in how you feel.

PECS Mon 21-Jan-19 09:45:10

I know what you mean! Maybe you need to find a way to fix yourself? A short stay away in a quiet hotel/ B&B to give yourself time to recharge?

dragonfly46 Mon 21-Jan-19 09:51:42

PECS not on the cards I am afraid. DH has bad back and wallowing I am afraid. The last time I went out and left him alone he did not eat and ended up having a hypo and me calling the paramedics.

I am feeling manipulated at the moment. He was very sad today because I made him make his own toast!

I have worked out it is because I was born on a Saturday!!

PECS Mon 21-Jan-19 09:54:21

Oh dear! I too have a bad back & cannot stand for more than 5-10 minutes .but I can make toast or boil an egg..or even put a pre prepared meal in the oven!

Grammaretto Mon 21-Jan-19 10:07:39

I started a thread about Blue Monday before I noticed this Dragonfly.
As for always being the capable one. Are you the oldest child?
I am not and always relied on someone else to make the decisions.
You can make a rod for your own back so be careful.
Years ago a woman I knew was about to go into hospital for a big operation. She was cooking and filling her freezer with meals for her family for all the time she would be away. When I suggested her DH was a grown man she said she had never let him in her kitchen!
I think you are better off than you think. Being the capable one is a good thing to be and those like me can always rise to the occasion if those like you have to go on strike.

Elegran Mon 21-Jan-19 10:12:02

Your DH needs a little bit of training, Dragonfly Tell him now that you are getting very tired and stressed and that at 10.30 you mean to sit down while he makes you a cup of tea or coffee, puts two slices of bread in the toaster for you and gets the butter out of the fridge to soften a bit. Tomorrow you will mention how much you enjoyed the tea and toast he made for you and ask him to repeat it.

Don't stop there - each day find a small job for him that won't have him standing for very long, until it becomes normal for HIM to look after YOU occasionally. If you don't, you could end up worn out and he could end up helpless and unable to anything for himself. Plus, it is noticeable how often it is the dependable carer who suddenly drops dead and the invalid who lives to a hundred - without their faithful slave.

megan123 Mon 21-Jan-19 10:12:15

I understand Dragonfly it all just gets too much flowers

dragonfly46 Mon 21-Jan-19 10:13:25

I am an only child Grammaretto and so envy those with brothers and sisters. I have no fall back.

We even have friends where the husband has told the wife that if anything happens to him she has to call me, so it isn't just family.

Anyway I am on strike and DH (or not so dear at the moment) is sulking!

sodapop Mon 21-Jan-19 10:15:14

So many of us do this dragonfly help everyone and then responsibilities pile up gradually. You need to harden your heart and say 'no'. at times. Your health and that of your husband must take priority. Be up front with others and say although you would like to help circumstances prevent it at the moment. Hope things get better for you soon thanks

Grammaretto Mon 21-Jan-19 10:27:53

It shakes the others up when you go on strike, once they notice.
My DM used to try to make me do things for her by telling me I made the best coffee or was the best driver etc and I used to fall for it.

I do help my elderly in-laws but not nearly as much as I could. I tell myself they should be encouraged to stay independent.

Marydoll Mon 21-Jan-19 10:27:55

dragonfly, I know exactly how you feel!
As others have said, we make a rod for our own back.
I must admit, I'm feeling a little bit resentful towards my children at the moment.
No matter how unwell I feel, I still find myself saying, "Yes!, not a problem!" I feel guilty if I say "No!"

PECS Mon 21-Jan-19 10:36:00

A couple I am close to had this issue recently. The DH was incapacitated and could not walk easily. Wife did everything. As he slowly recovered the pattern remained! It took a lot of cajoling from family and friends to get the DH to break his dependency habits! We were all firm with him and told him his DW would be in a worse state than him unless he got off his backside. All is now well...or at least better balanced! Recruit friends or family if you can to change this pattern.

Oldwoman70 Mon 21-Jan-19 10:38:27

Another here who knows exactly how you feel. Any problems in my in-laws family, guess who they come to for a moan and looking for a solution, someone suggested doing something for charity - guess who ended up doing all the organising but was ignored when the "thank you" speeches were being made. A friend has just suggested we go away together, gave a long list of her requirements and now expects me to investigate travel companies, hotels etc. and once she has decided which one she prefers I will be expected to book everything.

I think it is something we have brought on ourselves, we have become "the organisers" but once in a while it would be nice to have someone else take on the work while we sit back and just enjoy the ride!

icanhandthemback Mon 21-Jan-19 10:48:01

I know exactly what you mean, Dragonfly. I'm the driving force getting my DGS's autism diagnosed as well as looking after him very regularly, coping with my disabled DD's skewed thinking which is impacting on my DGD and looking after my DM who is failing physically with her mental capacity diminishing rapidly. Stop the world, I want to get off!
I was going to send flowers but I think you probably need cupcake and wine!

dragonfly46 Mon 21-Jan-19 10:50:20

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling better already! I expect I will resume normal service at lunch time.

dragonfly46 Mon 21-Jan-19 10:51:23

Part of it is that we were supposed to be flying to Madeira today but what with one thing and another we are unable to go.