Death Doula/Soul Midwife

My daughter is always trying to corner me to pluck out my chin hairs. Grrr.

Sorry paddyann I'm sure you were only carrying out her wishes.

Macmillan was abysmal with my relative. Its a sad state of affairs when, in something like a 100 year period structures have broken down, and we have to pay for help.

I didn't PLUCK it gonegirl I had a wee battery operated thingy that sort of combed it off .Anyway she wanted it taken off she was quite an image conscious woman ,even on her deathbed .

That is sad - the Macmillans round here are absolute saints.

A friend had a bad experience with Macmillan, too, but it was a doctor, not a nurse. She visited my friend when she was all alone, and told her - very briskly and efficiently - that she was dying, and did she want to die at home, in hospital or in a hospice?
My friend was the type who would not give up, and felt the need to fight to the very end. Evidently, though, that was not 'allowed'.
Friend said, 'They want me to be reduced to a weeping wreck, so that they can then be very kind and pamper me to death.'
It was years ago now, but I've never forgotten that.
I dare say my friend was very unlucky that the doctor was so brisk and insensitive, but it certainly put me off Macmillan.

Luckygirl for you and DH.

Macmillan were worse than useless for my daughter.
She came twice in ten years, and the second time was because my daughters' friend had contacted our mp.

It just seems a bit on trend to me. Round here, MacMillan nurses (who do not just deal with cancer) and the hospice at home service fulfil those roles - and very splendidly too. I assume that the same exists in other parts of the country. There is no need to pay for it.

We were talking to the doc from the hospice the other day, when she came to visit us, and she was very reassuring indeed about this as OH was saying that in the event he starts to fail he wants to be kept at home as far as possible.

I would have thought hospice staff would be trained in all aspects of assisting a dying person.

"Soul Midwife" is a ridiculous name.

If ever anyone tries to pluck out my facial hair when I am busy dying, I will come back and haunt them in the worst possible way. Leave me and my chin alone yer buggers.

To a certain degree it is what Macmillan nurses and hospice staff do. But there will be a need for more people to support and care for the dying and their families. Some communities still find it difficult to talk about even when death is a natural and timely one. Even harder if the person is not considered to have had their proper time to live. I am sure the hospice community have ideas about an end of life doula

I am not going to name them, but I think there is a GN member who has trained as one.

Rather surprised that she hasn't posted on this thread.

Thanks all, your replies have been really helpful.

I can see where this role would be helpful but I think the job title is a bit off putting. So many of us are afraid of reaching out to terminally ill people and their families, don't know what to say etc. It would be a relief I think to be able to share our thoughts and concerns with someone experienced in this sort of care.
Paddyann I can relate to the facial hair removal, my daughters and I have agreed to do this for each other if ever we are unable to do it ourselves.

Well I think I did that for my mother

The dying of a loved one is a very difficult time for their family and friends and, of course, for the person who is dying. Someone who supports them all with kindness, a sympathetic approach and discretion can take some of the burden from their shoulders and help in a number of ways. Many people find it almost impossible to face up to the reality of impending death – their own or that of others – and have no idea how to behave or what to say, which will always vary from one individual to another, so reassurance and comfort can be invaluable. The days when most people routinely died in the own beds surrounded by their families have long gone (although they may be returning) so few have even seen a dead body, let alone seen someone die, so they are often very frightened. A knowledgeable, understanding and empathetic support can relieve such worries to a considerable extent. Those who work in hospices have training to help with these sorts of problems and stresses both for patients and their families, so similar help at home for those who want to die there rather than in a busy hospital ward would seem a very good thing.

As the youngest of my generation in a large extended family I have seen more than my fair share of deaths, some of them painfully prolonged. I don't think I would have the strength to help others through such a time, but I do admire and respect those who offer this thoughtful dedicated and loving service.

I think its a great idea.Coming from a large Irish family who treated death as just a part of life we tend to gather and can talk about death easily to each other and to the person whose death is imminent.It does make it easier to cope with and I remember sitting with my mother a couple of hours before she died speaking about silly things from the past,doing her nails for her and getting rid of her "moustache ".It was alovely few hours even though we knew she wouldn't bethere by teatime .People could really benefit from someone who could talk them through the end of life process and sit with them in the days leading up to it.

I believe some of our local hospice patients have used them and they do make a difference at end of life. Just as a midwife supports you and your family from the time you are diagnosed to the time you give birth, it is the same with the death doulas, they don't just come in for the last few hours. They are there for you to discuss your worries, and take your side if needs be when talking to your care givers. They talk through the process of dying and what your wishes are, helping prepare for it emotionally and spiritually with your family.

I think it is a fantastic service, if you can reduce the some of the fear about dying and give back an element of control to what is after all a natural process, it is possible to achieve 'a good death'.

Gonegirl what makes me think you're not taking this too seriously?

^And maybe if it was like that then people wouldn't be so afraid of talking about death?

Imagine at breakfast. "See they've got the dd in today then. Who d'you reckon that's for?".

Toddlers from the local playgroup on Tuesdays, penguins on Thursdays, death doula on Saturdays.

In care homes, wouldn't a patient be actually frightened to death when they saw the resident death doula walk into their room?

Trouble is, once you've moved the death doula in, wouldn't you feel obliged to get on with it soon as?