multigenerational living

Like Anja DD1, Sil and DGD moved in with us until their shipping container arrived from NZ.

It took 8 moths as it was after the Christchurch earth quake so they had some PTSD.

It was for the most part OK, we get on OK as I had spent lots of time in NZ with them. DH wasn't as flexible and still wanted things his was - life long battle - but we got there.

I was with them for 3 month when DGD was born so experienced the quakes and understood why they were "jumpy" but we got there.

They were lucky as SIL had a job lined up and started 2 weeks after they got back and DH was still working but I don't think we'd manage long term.

I like the idea of having a house with a connecting gate or being in the same block of flats. that bit of independence.

I'm all for whatever works for people. It is sad when it doesn't work out and there is no way to change it, I wouldn't like that at all :-(

jumpingjaques don't like to break it to you but if you're in a separate flat you are meant to be paying council tax even if it's part of the same building

My grandmother lived us when I was growing up. We had a 3 bed house. Originally my nan had her own room and I shared with my brothers (4 to a room!) however, as they got older and I got more curious, I ended up sharing the box room with my nan. Bunk beds - I was on top. I shared with her until I was 18 and she died, by which time my youngest brother had the box room to himself and I shared a double room with her. Pros and cons. She was always there, which was lovely, but I know it caused issues for my parents. She hated my father, and would annoy him at any opportunity! It led to my mother saying that she would never live with us! However, we didn't have an Annex, which I think makes all the difference.

Then i will leave the discussion MOnica

No Monica the thread is not about having money to buy this or that, the OP asked if anyone has experience of inter-generation living.

I imagine most people on here own their own properties but there are exceptions.

I have knowledge of a couple inviting a parent to live with them. Separate annexe but the older person insists on being in their 'space' all the time apart from sleeping. Not going well at all but there is no road back for either of them. Shows there has to be a very good understanding by what living with family should mean for all concerned.

I don’t have an enormous house, certainly don’t have the luxury of an annex or separate facilities but when my family were in need we agreed to squash up a bit and we all share. As a previous poster said, it’s a wonderful lesson in compromise and tolerance for all concerned.

I have a boomerang son who went off to university and returned home afterwards. He's just turned thirty and still lives in his bedroom. He has a job in our village but cannot afford to get a foot on the property ladder.

Actually, we love having him around. He's nice, well mannered and funny - and when his DF was made redundant his financial contribution to the housekeeping kept us afloat.

Our DD lives about six miles away in a small house she is buying with her DP. When the lovely, four bedroomed house at the bottom of our garden came up for sale just as she was looking to upsize and move on we told her about it. She said, 'I'm not going to live in a poky little place looking at your mansion.'

FYI, we don't live in a mansion and the other house certainly isn't poky - as four bed detached places tend not to be! Oh, how we laugh, though. The DH and I are always referring now to 'poky houses' and our 'mansion'.

We think that maybe intergenerational living with the DD would not be quite as peaceable as that with the DS.

Anniebach
I was brought up surrounded by my fathers relatives. Not in the same house but the same street. My mother who came from a different part of the country gave me even more relatives.I must admit I enjoyed having 'nearest and dearest' on tap' .
How times have changed .When I married, due to H work, we moved to the other side of the country My own children having married are living the other side of the world and it must be a rarity these days to find a situation like I experienced during my childhood
Unlike my grandparents and my own mother who were able to spend their last days with relatives my destiny will be the opposite.

















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My Mum has lived in an extension to our house for nine years. It works well as we are all mindful of one another’s privacy. I certainly wouldn’t put people off doing the same thing. You need to have a frank discussion and basic ground rules to make it work.

My Grandmother lived with my parents in a tied house.
My parents both died in their mid-fifties , a year and three weeks apart.
The house had to go when they died.
I 'inherited' my Grandmother. I was 28 married with two small children. We lived in a two bedroomed bungalow. Granny had our bedroom and we slept on the living room floor for six months until we built a bedroom for her.
She lived with us for 12 years. When I was 40, with two teenagers, I was a partner in two family businesses, Granny to keep an eye on and long-suffering husband, I had a mini-melt down. I woke up in tears one day ( Granny had gone to stay with her son up north for a few days). I knew I could not cope any longer. Granny went to live with her daughter in Ireland and lived to be 100. She was 90 when she went there. I felt massive failure and guilt for years after. She had done nothing wrong . I just could not cope with everything any longer. I still feel guilty 31 year later.
I don't know what the right answer was.

When my children and grandchildren lived in Australia I said I would sell my soul to have them home. They have been back a year now and living with us while they save up for a house. I am so overjoyed I don’t care how many compromises I have had to make. Believe me - when you have been in my shoes, and missed out on so much when they were 12.000 miles away absolutely nothing matters other than that they are back in my life.

My granny came to live us when i was ten. We had a small three bedroom house and there were my parents, my brother and I. My granny was given the lounge downstairs. Mum made it like a bedsit and expected my granny to spend a lot of time there. This didn't happen. Granny spent all her time with the family. My poor mum was run ragged, as granny treated her like a little girl, expected errands run all day long. My brother left home when he was nineteen as he couldn't stand the atmosphere at home. When mum suggested that granny gave up the lounge and moved into my brother's bedroom, she refused. I could go on, but just wanted to say, it certainly didn't work for our family.

My Grandmother came to live with us for awhile,before moving into a very good care home ,where she was very happy. At the time I had to move out of my bedroom into the very small third bedroom . She always had her TV on very loud and was quite demanding..That time was the nearest to splitting up my parents ever came, Things improved greatly when she moved out again.We saw her quite often, but it was a much happier situation.

I still think that the best solution is living separately, but close. My DMiL, moved to a flat a few hundred yards from us, we saw her everyday and when she became ill we were on the spot to get the doctor, to take her to hospital and care for her.

Other people I know have, as mentioned above bought a house directly behind their AC's house and another bought a large terrace house that was converted into 2 large self contained flats, in separate ownership. When her mother went into care it was possible to sell her flat, while her daughter continued living in her own flat.

Do this and if anything goes wrong, one party can sell out without affecting the other. Sharing a house can be a problem if the owner of the main house moves for work/goes bankrupt etc.

My Dd and 2 Gc currently live with me as she has gone back to uni and is currently a single mum. I was widowed 8 years ago and as my daughter was often on her own we would stay over at each other’s homes anyway. She now has a fiancé who has 2DDs of his own and when it’s his weekend to have them they all quite often stay at my house and I go over to my boyfriends house, but sometimes we all stay in the same place and it’s usually really good fun! Thankfully we have 3 bathrooms ?

My mil lived in our granny flat for 18 years,many ups and downs but we rubbed along.On the plus side we were around if she was ill and we always had a baby,dog and cat sitter.
Eventually the stairs became to much and she moved to sheltered housing and we then downsized,I think it can work but you need to give and take.

We had nine living in our house for 18 months me dh, ds + partner, dd, dd her partner and two gs's it was a complete mad house and on the whole a wonderful time my gs's we 2 1/2 and a new born so there was lots of help and particularly the older gs who had a fantastic time with so much attention. Eventually I think they all needed their own space and gradually moved out leaving me & dh we really love having our own space back and look back on those 18 months with really fond memories they all still come back regularly and we alway really look forward to seeing them but are now glad they have thier own homes to go back to.

DH and I have a four storey guest house with seven bedrooms and we live in an apartment on the lower ground floor which has one bedroom. We have been trying to sell it for a couple of years now but with no luck. Our two daughters live miles away (one in Australia) so do not want to come live with us.
Perhaps someone might eventually buy it for their whole family to live in.
PLEASE

We had my in-laws living with us for 5 years and had a loft conversion the roof space as a bedsit for our teenage daughter. It was only a 3 bed semi with one bathroom.
Both DH an I worked full time and daughter went through school and started work in that period.
I did all he food, housework and laundry. What I missed most was being unable to socialise at home with friends. We had plenty of visits from the rest of the family.The difficulties came when both of them became terminally ill for the final year.
I would not live within the same house with either of my daughters and I doubt that either would ever make the offer.

My parents lived in a council house when my ex, myself and 4 small children arrived back from living abroad so they had to get permission from the council for us to live there with them. The council allowed us to live there for 6 months. I was ill for the first 3 months and ended having my gall bladder removed so we only had 3 months in which to find and buy a house to buy. We all got on well and the children loved being with their grandparents.
Fast forward 35 years and my darling Mum would ring at all times saying she felt ill etc. So my DH thought it would make my life easier if Mum came to live with us. We just had my youngest DS aged 14 at home. We lived in a very large bungalow so she was able to have her own bedroom and sitting room. I did all the cooking and cleaning. After a few weeks she declared she wasnt going to live with us if I didnt give up work because our house was too isolated. I was almost 60 but hadnt planned on giving up work then. But I did and she lived with us until she died eleven years later. She even moved abroad with us. My DH once said he had thought he was making my life easier by having my Mum move in but came to realise it wasn't so. But I would never have let her go into a home after all she had done for me when I was young. I will never move in with any of my children although I doubt the possibility would ever arise. One DD said as much and that she could never do for me all that I had done for my Mum.

I lived with DD2 for 5 months when the new build flat I was buying was delayed. She was out at work all day so I had independence in the day and helped in the house and found my way around a new area. Her sister lived next door . Now I’m at the end of their road in my own flat but we do a lot of visiting and sharing of meals and at Christmas I live back in her house for a bit whilst we are all off work and we have some holidays away together and some separate. We are all very close and it works well

I would love my grown up sons and partners to be back here. But not so much me living with them. I don’t even like staying at people’s houses for a weekend any more! What the heck? Difficult old bird!

inishowen Your account of your granny coming to live in your family struck a chord with me.

About 15 years ago we thought of buying a bigger house for my husband and I and my Mum, using the proceeds of sale of our own and my Mum's house (with our respective financial contribution being protected by a legally drawn up contract). Although Mum would have been contributing considerably less money than us, she expected to requisition all the largest rooms in the houses we viewed and stated that she wished to keep all her furniture. In the end we decided it could never work, with such a demanding and uncompromising attitude.

With hindsight, I realise it was a stupid thing to even contemplate although I can see that it very much depends on the people involved. My Mum is quite manipulative and very demanding. When she comes to stay for a week or two at Christmas and other times of the year, she wants the TV on, blaring loudly, all day, she is very possessive, won't stay in the house on her own so has to come everywhere with my husband and I, and keeps me running around all the time. By the end of her visit, I am exhausted and stressed.

She is now in her late 90's, is (touch wood) healthy apart from poor eyesight and hearing and has plenty of capital to live comfortably at home - meals on wheels, someone to do the garden, shopping, cleaning etc. (though she is reluctant to pay people properly), and I spend 6 hours a day every week travelling in order to visit her. Also a nearby friend of hers visits every week. Still she complains that "nobody bothers about the elderly these days".

It has been hinted at by her neighbours that we should take her into our home but I think it would wear me into the ground and cause problems between myself and my husband. Needless to say, the people who have proposed this arrangement for us have never shared their home with a parent.