Lack of friends

Bluesky1 - I'm not in your area but we had a meetup yesterday in Cambridge and have organised another for April 2nd.
Anyone feeling lonely or not please come - it never ceases to amaze me how we have such similar difficulties and its lovely to chat about them or nothing in particular.
Please see meetup threads for the Cambridge meetup.
Yesterday it was just two of us and at the moment it'll be three for the next but there's a few weeks to go and last minute is fine. I sometimes go there on my own - so eccentric...
You don't need to be or wear anything special to come! Yourself is enough and the chosen venue is so relaxing by the river and not at all busy in the mornings.

Friends are not easy to make at a certain age, maybe because we are more fussy or have a contented relationship with our partners. Do not want be committed as some friends can be demanding and very often just want an ear to bend past experience makes us wise. Talk to your husband find something you are both interested in, he should care about your needs, if not move on, life is too short.

Thanks for you message showergelfresh, would have loved to meet up, but I shall be away on hol. Until the 15th. have a good time, hope someone turns up.

I know I said I'm perfectly happy as things are but I went to a concert last night- my daughters past school choir - alone. Couldn't think of any friends who would enjoy it. And my husband didn't offer to go. And although I am ok with going alone, and I enjoyed it, it would have been nice to have him there.

Hello Bluesky

l think l responded to your message before
I'm in West Sussex, near to Haywards heath, are you nearby...If you would like to meet up... it probably depends on where you are in West Sussex....

MPF41

one good friend is enough for me... i think i am contented. i am in my 50s too.

Sorry to hear this. I do not know you at all but I doubt you are unfriendly otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out like this. I have met a few people in my life who have told me they are lonely and then..........gone on and on and on about their lives, their holidays, their house etc. Nevr once showing any interest in me or anyone else. I do put this down to them being on their own but not sure which comes first a total lack of interest in anyone or anything else but themselves. I DO NOT MEAN YOUxxx Just adding to debate. The first thing to do is show some interst in the other paerson. I once met a woman at a party recently who was sitting alone. I went to sit next to her and asked her if she'd enjoyed the buffet when she then spent 15 minutes telling me that at gatherings she imagines herself covered in bubble wrap in order to protect herself. This of course had the effect of keeping people out! She then said it had been nice chatting as she was lonely!!!

Oh Palliser I know what you mean. I have had women doing the same thing. Talking at me for over an hour without stopping. Needless to say I didn't rush to repeat the experience. You have to be interested in the other person and listen.

I hate hearing about people's medical problems from birth until present day. Why do they think I am interested when I am not! This is usually within the first 5 minutes of meeting somebody new.

Hello mypennyfarthing41, I am in Goring, near Worthing, I could come to HH, are you free on Sunday?

When we had mymother living with us my life was completely fuilled with her needs, husbands needs and me getting out to see a few friends. Then my closest one died, and then another etc. I realised I would have to make an effort. First I reviewed who are my friends who call in and found that the ones who did have a car and are widowed, divorced or single.. We do not live on a bus route. I then realised that there were people within the groups I was already attending that I should make the time and effort to get to know. This has been rewarding.

I also seem to have that problem of progression from acquaintances to friends. I belong to a few groups and have plenty of the former, but then I hear of others in the group who have got together in ones or twos to do individual things and I am never sure how they bridged that gap, so to speak.

I sometimes have down days when I wonder if there is something wrong with me, but I usually have a good laugh with them when we are together.

It’s a difficult one to address. Am I to ‘closed’ and make people think I am a bit aloof? I have always found it difficult to be as open as some folk I know. Strangely, when I have moved, it’s always the folk you don’t expect to keep in touch are the ones that do.

Don’t think I will ever understand people!

volunteer in a charity shop. i do ,and i have made lots of friends. i dont have a best friend/nor do i go out to pubs and clubs, but i do go to church.join a group that you do like ,and stop trying so hard. who knows where this friend will come from. theres loads of women like you out there. be patient it will happen.

I know what you mean MagicWriter2016, I also joined a group of ladies who meet for coffee outings when I moved to a new place. Everyone is perfectly pleasant and friendly, but that's as far as it goes, I haven't managed to make anyone a 'friend', However I have picked up on little groups of ladies within the group who seem to have become friends, and seem to be arranging things outside the main group but never seem to find out about it when it's being organised. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

* Strangely, when I have moved, it’s always the folk you don’t expect to keep in touch are the ones that do.*

I think for me maybe I am a bad initial judge of personalities.

The friends I do have were not necessarily the ones in the group at the time who I was initially most drawn to. But over time, my initial I guess "attractions" (friend wise) tended not to be the ones I clicked with long term.

That was fine when I was young and spending enough TIME with my social groups to develop friendships with perhaps the ones I might have not initially clicked with.

Unfortunately as you get older you get less "contact time" with groups before you have to take the plunge as it were and approach individuals.

E.g. a lot of courses I do are 6 weeks. Once a week for 2 hours, most of that is doing the actual course, so not so much chatting time. Usually groups might meet as a whole group for a coffee or drink maybe once at the end of the course, or a few weeks after if there is course work to hand in for an award.

And thats it then you dont see them again unless you reach out. But I probably reach out to the wrong ones because its still very much at "first impressions" IYKWIM and some people dont come out of their shells in group situations so you never really connect with them

When I used to volunteer regularly, there was lots of company whilst there, buy by the nature of groups of volunteers, people dipped in and out around their other commitments and you were never with the same grouo each time. If you had a good chat/laugh with someone it might be a month or two before you ended up volunteering on the same day again. If you want to invite someone to meet up outside of the activity you are having to make that move before you've really gotten to know them well

Same with clubs, knitting groups etc.

When I was young people had the time to commit to clubs more, and the clubs I was in spent much more TIME together so you got to know people better. Young peoples sports clubs train together often 2 or 3 times a week AND have a weekly social night as well as othet bigger social events: no wonder I had less difficulty developing friendships then!

Vs groups where the activity level appeals to me now: a lot of them only meet once a month!

I'd love to make the effort to reach out to one or two people whom I met recently. I've not done so and would not presume to do so as they are both much younger than I, and for all I know are married women or have busy work lives. . I know for a fact that a lone woman of 87 , a divorcee with little money and few social contacts has not enough to recommend her as a friend to many others. I'd love to get to know someone who would not look down on me and who shares some interests with me enough to be more than an acquaintance.

There are quite a lot of people on here who sound as though they need a 'good friend'. I previously said that these people should put where they live or a postcode [first part would do] and see what comes of it. I do have a hubbie but am always ready to have a coffee with anyone - his hobbie keeps him in the house, I like to go out, so no problem there. SK6

Hondagirl and Magicwriter, in my experience of living in many different places, someone needs to make the first move and it pretty much has to come from the person seeking friends.

Those in established groups may think you already have a riotous life and have no need of new friends! So ask someone out for coffee on a particular date (not 'sometime') and see where it goes from there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

SueDonim, setting out to seek a friend , like setting out to seek a spouse, is a risk if not to one's self esteem to one's time and energy.

Those are not limitless and sometimes the effort is unlikely to get the result that one wants. You have to be practical and know who you are. There are individuals with whom everyone want to be friends, and at the other extreme there are individuals with whom nobody wants to be friends.
Also some people are choosy and some just want some acquaintance to sit and have a coffee with. The latter is easy to arrange.

I agree Alexa

It's relatively "easy" to arrange a coffee

Its not easy to have been the one arranging all these initial coffees but to not be getting any invites back in return and have them all tail off....

Its easier, sometimes, to stop putting in the effort when it keeps resulting in nothing because it hurts. You can shrug it off to an extend. Rationalise it like "not everyone clicks" & "maybe they are really busy, but it can wear you out, this "putting yourself out there" business

And ultimately the "scatter gun" approach doesnt work well just like you are unlikely to find a long term romantic partner by asking people out on dates before you know them well enough to know whether or not theres likely to be chemistry and attraction and good conversation.

Alexa's comparison with finding romantic connections is a very good one.

Do some men still frequent comfortable and comforting pubs in a spirit of not being bothered whether or not they meet a romantic liaison or a true friend?

In the two famous soaps one sees women doing likewise. I have wished for such a pub and such a local community but in vain. It would be so nice to wander into a pub and not feel out of place because of being alone or looking odd. Men seem to be permitted to look odd and alone, but women aren't 'permitted' to look odd and solitary in pubs.

Well, I've moved sixteen times over the years within the U.K. and around the world so I've simply had to put myself out there otherwise I'd have been very lonely indeed.

I have more confidence now I am older but I was a shy youngster and indeed up until middle age, really. Even so, I still knew that I had to make the effort because no one would come to me. I hadn't considered it a risk but I suppose you can look at it like that, though I prefer to hope for opportunities.

As I say, you lose some as well as win some. I've recently been introduced to someone within a group but I knew almost immediately I will never hit it off with her. I'm going to unavoidably be mixing with her on occasion and I will of course be polite but I'll mark it down to experience.

Sue for lots of us getting "out there" and making initial contact/conversation is not the issue.

Lonliness doesnt = alone. Its about lacking valuable connections. Not just finding someone to have a conversation with.