better curse for me ex silent and I doubt that's possible
Kittylester; I'm a gentle OAP and not into curses, but if you wish to clarify who or what this"ex" is, and what you want the curse to do, I'm quietly confident I can do "better". 
relatively new gn'er
Annodomini; Thanks for your compliment! 
I've been a GNer for only 12 months and not sure how long my apprenticeship has to last before I'm allowed to comment on "oldies"? But thanks for classifying me as a beginner; I feel years younger! My elation is clouded by the fact that the OP intended this thread to be lighthearted which was why my response was firmly tongue-in-cheek (i.e. cheeky) which is what yours is, I'm sure!
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Hello all, usual good wishes!
Well, as the OP says, I truly do love him, but wish:
He would wipe his feet (a mat is in place) and not leave prints everywhere
Not be so damn clumsy! Things on the table should stay on the table!
He would not make such a mess with his food 
he is surely old enough to be able to eat without making a mess!
Not interfere with the way the curtains hang, they are fine as they are.
Leave the cushions on the sofa alone, ditto the last 6 words above.
Refrain from bringing home things that he thinks I might be pleased with, which I then have to tactfully dispose of.
Feel the need for displays of affection at odd hours of the night, when I was happily asleep. 
Make such a big thing of blatantly washing your (ahem) nether regions when we have company.
Oliver Sprout, you are a dear cat, and we do love you, but there is room for improvement!
Yep, anno. Fortunately he has been silent for a year now - it cant last!!
My phone has been updated and is really getting ideas above its station.
I am absolutely 
How very dare you!
Thank you all, I aim to amuse, although I understand that not all members will appreciate it
Phoenix; How right you are! I thought I was the resident Court Jester around here and now I'm consumed with jealousy! 
It's very clever though and not bad for a beginner! A few more like that, (now for the patronising spiel!) and you'll be eligible to enrol in our Master Joker Club; open to all sexes, but currently suffering from a dearth of female "jokesters." When you feel up to it give me a bell and I'll sponsor you!
As a matter of fact, I'm surprised at the number of audience members who actually confessed to thinking it was a hubby. I'm not a cat person and my money was on Charlie your pet hamster; but we can't be right all the time, can we?
I guessed but fun anyway!
My eyes were opening ever wider until the last bit. What a lovely name for your cat and I echo other sentiments about your posts.
You make us smile. Thank you.
Well done Phoenix - you should be available on the NHS!
(Didn't catch me out though, I'm too used to your wily ways. )
I could have added "insisting on being a thorough, brisk fun down with a towel when you come in soaking wet!
Oliver Sprout seems to need re-waterproofing, I have never known a cat to get so sodden!
He loves being dried, and will present himself ready for drying, and will then often go out, and come back in, just as wet for the procedure to be repeated
Minnie just takes one look at any inclement weather and goes either back to bed, or to one of her favourite hobbies, namely moving the landing rug (she seems to think it looks better at a "jaunty" angle, rather than straight) or cataloguing and "filing" her sponge collection.
You have no idea of how disconcerting it can be to step on a washing up sponge in bare feet, in the dark..................
Ha ha ...loved it !!! mine yells furiously to go out of the window (she knows it is a bungalow !) …at 4.ooa.m. ...just why she refuses to use the cat flap I know not ……...cats! don't you just luv em ……..I was hoping it wasn't about your husband as I read to the end ………..
I assumed you were talking about your husband and was feeling so sorry for him until I read the last bit! Thanks for making me laugh! 
Thank you so much - really funny. Felt a strange mix of bewilderment and sympathy till I realised it was your cat!
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