Daughter refusing all contact with me.

Your sweet daughter is long gone, leave them to it and get well.

I say let her get on with her life and you get on with yours. My parents never got involved with my life from leaving home. I do not feel any the worse for it. You do not own their lives. Sorry but that's the truth. You should enjoy your life. I, quite frankly, think death and funerals are bad enough without worrying about who attended and who did not and why. Live your life, as long as your daughter does not have cancer or is crippled from a road crash.. why not just live your own life.

Notanan2 not knowing where you live you may be wrong in the "not entitled" point. In Scotland all offspring do have an entitlement in whatever parents leave no matter if they are mentioned in a will or not. They cannot be disinherited. Given the content of OP posting this law seems a bit unfair, families do fall out and you should be able to leave what you want to whomever you want.

its a too often sad story with families,Ive two sons one moved overseas when married, the other barely contacts me.I was the most devoted dad in time and helping them financially,i have asked them and myself if I have done or not done something in the past? No one can hurt you like your family can that's for sure,these days I do believe that the best family is one of choice,but I think at times I kid myself,i hope your situation has some form of resolution

I can't help wondering if your daughter's partner is behind a lot of this, OP. Some, not many, but some people are jealous of their spouse's family when they get married and they try to deliberately cause a rift in order to keep the spouse away from their own family. I have seen this a couple of times in my life, my sister's husband use to rile her up and put nasty interpretations on things that our parents did, just to separate her.

I don't know what you can do about it really other than hope that one day your daughter sees what is going on - if indeed that is what is going on.

If your DD and her partner has chosen to remain childless, then they can't complain about your leaving money to the one grandchild you have.

Your DH's remark to the partner was entirely justified.

I'm really sorry for the sadness this must be causing you, but I don't think there is anything to be done.

I am so so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. I know how heartbreaking it can be. Unfortunately for you your daughter apparently has made her choice , as she is an adult there is little that can be said or done. She is obviously influenced by her partner.

My eldest son disowned his family after falling in love. His father was diagnosed terminally ill and within six weeks our son had found himself a female friend. They were engaged and the wedding planned. No thought given to anyone,

His now wife made it perfectly clear that when they were married she wanted nothing to do with his family. My husband was buried on the Friday and my son was married the following day, We were all banned from the Wedding anyway.

I cried all afternoon on his Wedding day, An elderly neighbour came to the door to see if I was okay. I will never forget his words. Life is but a book, you have just finished the last page of a chapter. You must now begin the first page of the new chapter. One day your son will return, only you know if you can forgive him but you will never forget.

My son has not only been isolated from his family but all of his friends. He is completely under her spell. She has even got him to move from the area to live in Yorkshire.

It is so hard grieving for someone that is still alive and my thoughts are with you and your family.

It seems like very extreme behaviour to " throw somebody out" who was helping in the first place?

I think that you absolutely have the right to leave your money however you want to.

It sounds that the will has brought up a whole lot of feelings. At 48 she is not likely to have children so it is clear that the will change has been done solely to benefit your son's family. Perhaps your DD and partner were unable to have children and this has opened new wounds.

It may also seem hypocritical to her that your DH was so rude to her partner for not working whereas you are praising your son for the same thing and rewarding his family financially. There may me a reason that she has not disclosed to you for why her own partner doesn't work - a disability or MH problem.

She may not be dealing with this rationally. I do admit that I feel very hurt when my parents did the same of leaving a percentage to grandchildren at a time I was going through infertility treatment. I kept quiet and didn't have a tantrum - but I have to admit that it was painful to see it in black and white that not giving them grandchildren made me less valued.

chris and johno, slightly harsh to read but I quite agree.

I agree with M0nica too. Your husband probably hit a nerve when he asked whether you daughter's partner was seeking work. I don't see ANYTHING wrong with that at all, particularly when DD was working two jobs. And to stay offended and smear your name throughout the family for 17 years is unbelievable, downright unkind and totally unacceptable behaviour from anyone especially your own daughter. Your son and DIL on the other hand sound kind. I am so glad you have the solace of your relationship with them especially as you are both not well. Your daughter should hang her head in shame.

You did nothing wrong in the provisions of your will or in telling your children what was in it. Your DH's comment 17 years ago may have been unwise ( understandable though). All you can do is let your DD know you will always love her. If you have her mobile number, you could try sending comments from time to time that are non-confrontational such as "feeling bit better today and managed some gardening. " then over time move on to some that refer obliquely to happy family times from her childhood " I planted gladioli like the ones we used to have beside the wall" .She might soften over time. Worked for me on FB after a bit of a family rift .
Can you send cards, brief letters otherwise / as well. Maybe a birthday card with voucher for a restaurant for both of them to enjoy or something like that?
Not sure what you've already tried but know it must be heartbreaking.
Try to keep having loving thoughts towards her and I believe prayer can make a difference. It does sound as though her partner may be at the root of this and she feels forced to choose between him and her parents (even if he hasn't said that to her explicitly ). I do hope things improve.

The original action of being told to leave was very harsh. Perhaps the partner felt guilty, his response was extreme. Your DD hasn't tried to resolve the situation over time but has kept in touch with your family, at least that is a plus. Very much doubt any effort now to heal the rift will work. Get on with looking after yourselves, enjoy you long awaited GC. Your DD has no right to complain about your Will. It's your decision and given your DS's health and home situation DD should be thankful you have considered her at all.

My knee jerk reaction has steam coming out of my ears. Fathers adore their daughters and want to protect them. So to hold a grudge for 17 years because he happened to enquire as to whether the lazy toad was intending to get a job, is childish, and an excuse to cut you out so he had your DD mostly all to himself. Bet you she had to put up with sulking before and after every family event. He was, however, banking on getting your money.

Then to have the audacity to go beserk at your Will change just shows what he's made of.

The problem is, your DD has been brainwashed by this layabout for years and this has given him the perfect excuse to say something along the lines of 'See, I told you what they were like'. And sadly, she's listened.

As others have said, may have been prudent to keep Will changing details to yourselves but too late now.

I want to say 'Tell them you've changed it again and now they're getting nothing' but of course, you'll feel for your DD because you love her.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would give DD a year to see if she reconsiders then leave them nothing if not.

But I'm not in your shoes and so it's up to you if you still want your DD to inherit, meaning he will too.

In consideration for all you're having to contend with with your health, I would just try to put it to the back of your mind for now (not easy I know). I presume she knows you've had health problems. And see if she gives it some thought and sees you again.

I feel so sorry for you as you don't need this on top of everything else and you've had the hurt to deal with for 17 years. Look after yourself

What a heartbreaking situation - you have my every sympathy. A kind letter to your DD would be my idea of the next move, and then await her response, if any. The partner sounds a complete waste of time, and nasty. However, he is her choice so that has to be taken on the chin. As for the will - I get SO annoyed when there are rows about what has been left and to whom. The money is yours; there should be no expectation of inheritance, and if you choose to leave it all to the RSPCA or spend it lavishly on cruises or luxury holidays as you have both been so poorly, then so be it. It is yours, not anyone else's to argue over. Enjoy your lovely grandchild, support that kind son and his decent partner, and if the other two don't want to be civil then it is their loss too.

I know how your heart is feeling not seeing your daughter . My daughter walk out of the house at seventeen never to come back , over a disagreement over her choice of boys . She has had four children i have never met . Hold out the olive branch to your daughter , even if its by letter , letting her know you'll always been there for her . Life's to short , but stick to your guns about the money . Your money your choice . I hope things get resolved for your sake .

I'm sorry to read your story, it is indeed a sad one.

My daughter and I have been estranged for many years now, the history here is not important to your story so I shall not delve into it.

What I will say is this, you cannot do anything to change someone when their mind is so set. It took me many years to realise and understand that, and over time I have come to accept the situation.

I resolved to just get on with my own life, and I have. It was not an easy decision to make, but felt enough was enough and was determined to not let the situation make me ill or stop me from moving on for my own sake.

As for your Will, I suggest you discuss the details with no-one except your solicitor in future. It is your business, but could be helpful if you added a letter to explain your decision in order to avoid misunderstandings at the time of your death. This is what I have done to make my wishes clear.

I really do hope there will be a reconciliation for you, but I'm afraid this will have to come from your DD. Don't wait around, life is short and you have already suffered a serious illness.

I wish you well. xx

Firstly, I feel terribly sad for your situation, could it be that your daughter is being coerced in some way? Having said this I don't agree with your decision re the will and can see your daughter's point of view. When my mum was updating her will recently she asked me if I thought she should leave money to the grandchildren and her four AC. My opinion was No because two of us have children and the other two don't. I thought it was unfair on my brother and sister who never had children to receive less. My other brother and myself can give some of our inheritance to our children if we want.
I agree with others who say to reach out to your daughter and apologise. Good luck.

Grandchildren are separate people in their own right so can't really see what upset her about it. Tbh if my family treated me like your daughter has you I would never want to see her again.

What you do with your money is your business if they are offended then leave them too it, look after yourself and your husband and dont fret over it x

I guess your heart is broken, we make our children but they choose their own journey and become their own person.

You probably wouldn't want to hear this but let her and her husband go. Maybe given time she will come back on her own accord.

BUT to react like this over something where she isn't ruled out completely is far from loving.
Sadly it does seem that her husband has a lot of influence over her and maybe he has brought out the worst in her. He sounds far from nice the incident years ago would have had me worrying that she was ok with him and not in an abusive, controlling or bullying relationship.

One big question is why did you tell her in the first place? Will's shouldn't matter but we live in such a materialistic society that greed sets in.

you say that sazzl - but do you really mean it?

One of my best friend has just lost her daughter to cancer. They'd been estranged for a long time- she tried and tried to get closer wiht her daughter when she learnt how ill she was- but she wouldn't let her near and she died last week- without seeing her mum. Honestly - it will be very very hard to get over the loss because she was unable to make up.

I'd crawl on my hands and knees and swallow my pride, and do everything I can to make amends.

jennymolly
Mistake number one. Asking D partner when was he going to get a job? sore point no doubt ,and mistake number two divulging the contents of your will.
Those to benefit would eventually find this out for themselves.
We all learn by our mistakes.Take solace in the fact you have contact with your son,his wife and your grandchild and although tearing you apart, and time can be a great healer, I fear that by attempting further contact with your estranged daughter any harsh words spoken will only add fuel to the fire.

From an outsider looking in your daughters P sounds like a real 'Control Freak' and at 48 she is old enough to know better. If he really loved her surely he would want to see her happy whether he liked your family or not. Obviously, your husband's remark hit a raw nerve and he has no problem seeing his P working two jobs, for him to ring you too and swear and shout at you disgusting. Our children are only with us for a short time and their adult life is their life choices.

jennymolly concentrate on yourself and your husband. You have done your job, its up to your D to apologise not you.

I'm a little confused... so your husband judged your Son in Law for not working? and then you apply a whole different set of standards to your own son who is a 'wonderful dad'....
I suspect there's a whole lot more going on than you're telling us... is your son the 'golden boy', who can do no wrong and your daughter constantly having actions questioned etc... if not now, then when they were growing up?
In which case the will and the reaction is very likely just the result of differences being made between them... it may in all reality have nothing to do with the will but that's just what finally set it off...
I only ask this, not to be insensitive, but because that is the situation I have with my mother... the sun shines out of my brother's back-side, and nothing I do is right... or ever has been ... since he was born, me and my sister were relegated to the 'also rans' and I assure you, that we felt it... brother, now 40 has finally got a job and is holding it down even though we were always being told how brilliant and intelligent he was... he was a wonderful father etc... I've had nothing but insults about everything from my weight to my career... very much a case of boring and dependable Notquiteagranyet, not the brightest but 'god help her, she's a trier'.... btw, I have a PhD, so not completely stupid...