I’m sorry you are going through this. So many grandnetters, me included, have self-entitled, hostile adult children. Your description of your daughter as a little girl and now, struck a cord with me. Mine too was a lovely, happy little girl. I won’t dwell here on what she is like as an adult. Suffice to say that after nearly two decades of being treated badly and me walking on eggshells, I was the one who decided to pull back from the relationship, not her (in the interest of my mental health).
I can absolutely see why your husband made the comment he did 17 years ago. Unwise? Yes, but in our lives we all say things we later regret. We are all falible and these adult children often say worse to us.
To those who site ‘double standards’ regarding views on the daughter’s partner not working and her son not working. These situations are completely different. Firstly, the son has a long-standing anxiety disorder which is a significant, often disabling mental health condition. Secondly, he is going to be a full time stay-at-home parent. That is a job. It is the best arrangement for a baby and young child to a full time primary carer. I worry about the developmental effect of regularly changing carers (in nurseries e.g. staff go on annual leave, sick leave and even leave their jobs altogether). The arrangement made by the son and daughter-in-law is a great choice that works for them, giving the best start in life to their baby and relieving him of dealing with an anxiety disorder in the work place!