I’m struggling to understand.....

I agree with annsixty, and others whose husbands developed dementia in their old age. He is no longer the lovely man you fell in love with, he is a distant and difficult and unfamiliar person who you live with out of duty and because you know your children will be unhappy if you left.
We were married for 54 years and the last 6 were so very difficult for me. .

Well. This is the thing - people change. My DH has making noises slapping his lips when he eats, biting his nails when he's concentrating, and - something he's always done - blowing his nose about 5 times a day with a noise like a foghorn. He's frankly driving me bonkers. This after nearly 43 years of marriage. Definitely trying to get some space between us. He is also very uncommunicative and undemonstrative. On the plus side, he is honest, totally trustworthy in every way, and we have both taken a responsible attitude towards life, money, the kids etc. Have I a good marriage or a crap one?? Never been able to decide the answer to that one. Should I have left him years ago? Probably. Do I have a better life now having stayed with him? Probably, but will never know the answer to that. Shall I stay for the rest of our lives? Suppose so.

Living with any person for more than two weeks kills me!?

As so many have said, no one knows how a marriage actually is in private.

I think acknowledging that the "Third Act" of life is approaching and that the falling of the final curtain is non-negotiable concentrates the mind. A relationship or situation that was previously just tolerable may become unbearable. The thought of physically caring, indefinitely, for someone you don't love - or having to rely on them for intimate care - might seem intolerable.

People change

Haven’t heard “any road up “ since I left my hometown many years ago. A great Yorkshire expression I even used to say sometimes myself!

None of our business to put it bluntly. They have made their decision for whatever reason which they may well not want you to know. It is private.

NanaSuzy - your OH sounds very like mine. He is not the most empathetic person in the world and I get a bit cross when he goes all soppy over 'Supervet' but does not realise I'm really upset about something. It used to really bug me but I've come to realise he is not being deliberately dim about my emotions he's just not that good and picking up those tiny day to day clues. If I ever actually put it all into words (which for me is difficult given a pretty dysfunctional family so poor emotional education) he is very supportive, very kind and really quite a soppy romantic. What I really have come to appreciate is his deep sense of decency and dependability.
He has a really annoying sneeze and when tucking into a meal at home he really enjoys I have been driven to put my fingers in my ears! That being said in a restaurant his manners are impeccable! Then again I am sure I have some pretty annoying habits and I am a lazy so and so as well so all in all we are doing ok. I just know that if my Mum was still alive she would be letting me know in no uncertain terms that I was very lucky!

Falling' out of love' with the person you married is common and the' kind of love' you had at the start of your marriage is 'unique' if still there after 58 years.
We do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

HildaW, yes taken all round your Mum is right and I frequently count my blessings; in the end that's more useful than counting my woes.

He wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms so she decided to leave

That must have been such a blow on their anniversary Niuclas so hurtful. It's hard to believe the wife was oblivious to all this for 20 years.

It is their business of course KateK but it does make you wonder what was the last straw to bring about the end of such a long marriage. I hope things work out for them both.

My father has been married to my stepmother for over 20 years (my mother passed away 22 years ago) and told me last week that they are splitting up. My father is 95 in a few weeks!! The reason is quite simply that she wants to move into an old peoples home where they are up north and where her family are, he wants to move into one down south where I and my 2 sisters plus his brother and sister-in-law live. Sometimes it's that simple - they are both quite practical about it and no bad feelings at all.

oldandverygrey You say when we married, we married for life

How very smug you sound. I'm sure many of us on here also thought we had, but sadly for us it did not work out that way.

My husband was once voted the one 'least likely to stray' by all my friends. Funny that, as we are now divorced and my friends are still married!

Sometimes it is the "tasks" that glue the splinters together: raising the kids, paying the mortgage, saving and planning for retirement..

DH and I are still veru much in love but with raising a family and running a home and jobs we can go days without really talking. We talk but a lot of it is coordinating diaries, parenting issues and chores.

...once the joint tasks fall away some people end up faced with a partner that the suddenly realise they dont really know/love/like any more!

A couple we know age 74 and 75 just parted, turned out she had been knocking him around for years, he thought no one would believe it but in the end became very frightened and walked out with nothing. None of us had any idea.

I can only say very honestly that the former years of a very happy marriage are wiped out by the recent 10 or so years and that is so sad

Oh annsixty how very sad. I am sending hugs and all good wishes. How difficult it must be for you.

My lovely neighbour (72) is going through the same thing. She has her husband with dementia at home and care workers come in every day to assist but whenever she sees us she apologises in case we can hear him shouting and swearing. (We can't.) She says the man she married and knew so well has gone, he's now a totally different person, and her life with him is extremely difficult, and frightening at times, but her vows mean she will stand by him. I am not sure how long she can do it for - remaining loyal to someone so changed.

In my case, I felt like I'd chopped off an arm or a leg when I finally divorced my husband, a man I'd known for 23 years.
It's a difficult decision to make but if your future happiness depends on getting out of an unpleasant situation then it is the only course of action.

I imagine after 58 years of marriage Katek your neighbours are entering a very brave new world. It makes you wonder why they are giving up that familiarity at their ages, even though the marriage isn't wonderful.

It would be good to know their reasons, wouldn't it? I maintain though, that being alone is better than being in a bad marriage. I regained so much of myself after divorce.

We had a couple at Bridge Club. 50 years married, 5 children Nice house in the village.
Then he died suddenly and we all expected a broken hearted wife.
No way! within 3 months she was off with an old friend she had met at the graveside, Had given up the house in the village and now living in a busy town and very happy.

No one really knows married couples.

You are assuming that 'living apart' is a poor alternative to staying together. It may be what one or both of them have longed for - and suddenly realised, life is too short to procrastinate.

I cannot imagine anything better than living on my own.

Sparkle- it was never my intention to come across as smug. What I was trying to say was that when we married we made a commitment to honour our vows come hell or hightide, the path has not always been easy, however our faith has been the glue to stick together. Make what you will of that.

Sorry, oldandverygrey but you still sound very smug.

There are some marriages (maybe even mine but I am not putting that on a public site) where there is no glue or faith strong enough to make you stick together because your other half is likely to kill either you, or the children, or both, and makes several attempts. You have to save your children and get away to safety.

No sanctimonious faith, etc is going to save their lives or your own.

Commitments to honour vows involve both parties.

oldandverygrey, I think most of us go in to marriage with that intention but people 'evolve' and no amount of determination is going to save some of them.

I count myself lucky that DH and I have evolved similarly and are still together and love each other. We have had difficult times where determination to make it work has helped but we had to work together.

But, we are lucky!!

I do know a couple of couples (!) who have decided to live separately in old age, one couple lived next door to each other, the others not that far apart.
They remain (remained in one case) friends but I think in each case it is the woman who instigated this.

A couple I know separated shortly after their golden wedding. My friend moved into a very pleasant care home, where she could be sociable, play bingo or have an art class.

She said her husband had always been miserable and selfish and she wanted a pleasant and calm final 10 + years of life.

She poppef back to her husband, and cooked his lunch most days, sorted out washing and some shopping, but said she was NOT going to suffer the long evenings of his morose company or the endless weekends of watching what HE wanted to watch on TV!

She’s been happy this way for 7+ years, and has bloomed. ?

PS another friend left a miserable husband after 48 years, her children fully supported her and she got a small housing association flat because her husband had been frankly awful. Again, she is now a happier woman who says she should have done it years ago, their children agree with her completely ?