Disappearing

Hi Ellie I'm feeling exactly like you so please don't think your being silly. I was married to a Narcissistic man for 34 years I'm finally out now living on my own but he destroyed me. I'm 63 and 2 years ago I met my psychiatrist only to be told my mindset was that of a 16 year old I was shocked my feelings had been suppressed for so many years I never had a voice or opinion and like you I was scared to voice my opinion in case I stuffed everything up or people would obviously know that I don't know what I'm talking about well now my confidence is coming back my pride I have a voice now and I have an opinion now people tell me to shut up because I never stop talking lol ? my friends say I could talk under water hsha I still have no self esteem but I'm hoping another couple of years maybe I will. Stay strong Ellie and positive because your worth it ?X

There’s some good ted talks about how introverts are more needed in this world.

God loves you Ellie Anne just as you are. He accepts you and you can do nothing to make him love you any more than He already does. You are made in God's image.

I agree with Tillybelle’s last post. There have been some very kind, compassionate and helpful hints from which I have also drawn strength.
Wishing you well, Ellie Anne.

Just caught up with this thread. Came across a great quote: 'I am not beautiful like you, I am beautiful like me'. So Ellie Anne, you are not valuable, worthwhile or important like any body else, you are valuable, worthwhile and important like you. Say it every day. Gentle hug xx

Ellie Anne you have brought out the best in Gransnet. It never ceases to move me how many people here are compassionate, wise and understanding. The three comments above show this.
You have done something beautiful with your letter.
I do hope you can relate to some of the suggestions and advice, finding them useful, and that you will feel much better soon.

I really liked Johno's post.

I believe, the most important first step is to look at ourselves compassionately. By acknowledging all our positive points, even the smallest ones in our view, gives us a good idea of who we are and loving ourselves for them as we would if we saw them in someone else. This way, we can reach the very important goal of being GOOD ENOUGH enough, and start working up from there to be even better, slowly but surely.

I liked the suggestion of short trips on your own too. It's amazing how uplifting and helpful it can be to put ourselves out there with people who've never met us before. It can be very helpful to learn more about ourselves, the good and the not so good so we can strengthen the good in us even more and work on the not so good yet points in ourselves.

I also liked the suggestion of marital counselling a lot. May be the husband is just unhappy as you with life at the moment either and has withdrawn into himself! Organisations like Relate can be very helpful in helping couples to understand each other, communicate better and work together from there for a satisfactory outcome.

My response is to say that this will be eased if you accept the fact that you do NOT have to change... at least you do not have to change for the benefit of others. You are saying YOU want to change. Why? Is it not normal to dislike conflict? Who wants conflict? No normal person wants conflict. But if you simply wish to be more assertive then this can only be done by practice and getting stuck in. There is no other way. You have the right to hold your own views and to like and dislike whatever you chose. You do not have to justify anything. Someone joked about BREXIT ?? But this is not as silly as it seems because in principle you could get involved in something and or you may already have your own interest ... Golf ... Football ... Woodwork. Talk about a particular subject feed it into a discussion. Everyone does. I talk about Boxing and Law but I reckon I bore people. But they bore me yet I have the respect not to tell them. WE ALL have idiosyncrasies to our personality. YOU owe no one to be perfect. It's this striving for 10 when 8 or 9 is good enough. Most people are a 7. Most people worry about how they come across it's just that some show it and others do not. Its corny but it's true... don't try to justify yourself to others and this will set you at ease from which you will automatically feel and behave better.

Ellie Ann - sorry to hear you feel like this - it sounds as though your self-esteem has taken a dive for whatever reason. I suggest you visit you GP and ask for a course of counselling. You may even find that you don't need your GP because your local NHS Trust has a self-referral system. It's common for people's images to become fragile as they become older and less up to the minute with what's going on elsewhere but it's equally common for that feeling of deflation to be erased with skilled counselling. Give it a try, please.

Ellie Anne. Thanks, lovely to hear from you. So glad to hear the your DH doesn't bully or ill-treat you. (Actually I'd printed "trill-treat you" but you are not a budgie or canary..)
I wonder if the feeling of being invisible might be worth discussing with your Doctor? I'm not saying you are seriously ill, but I just think the Doc could help you.
So glad you have a lovely Church and friends. I really miss mine! Hold on to that, I really think this horrible feeling will pass.
My dog is emptying the recycling bin!! I must go off to bed...
Night night xxx
PS Imm6. Not trivial imho - great idea!

Ellie Anne, I hope you know from the responses that you are so much more than "nothing". We have heard your gentle voice.

Ellpammar19. I'm supposed to be going to bed and I know you are waiting to hear from Ellie Anne.
I might be wrong but I thought "I heard" some deep sadness in your lovely kind response to Ellie Anne.
I agree that it is better to be alone than to be repeatedly humiliated. I think the whole situation depends on the degree of unhappiness being caused one person to another. It is hard to say whether Ellie Anne is suffering from being "put down" so much that she has lost her voice. It sounds as if it may be so. I am always very upset when I hear how unhappy someone is because someone - usually the husband - just does not take any notice of them, does not seem to care or is rude and dismissive.
I think if a wife has become very depressed because of the constant lack of any kind of affirmation of her existence, or respect for her as an individual, then she will give up hope that people love her. It is terribly sad. But it might be that the husband is only like this at certain times and that in other ways he reciprocates her love and treats her well and she wouldn't dream of leaving him. I think it may be possible that he is unaware of how he is treating her and actually loves her, but just does not realise how painful his behaviour is for her day after day. We don't really know.
Poor Ellie Anne! How I do hope that she can find someone to talk to. As others have suggested, having some counselling might be a wonderful help for her to come to an understanding about her situation and decide what is best for her future. I would not like to see her leave and be alone without first having some time to talk to a Counsellor who might try to see her husband with her sometimes.

But you sounded sad Ellpammar19, and I wanted to give you a hug somehow ((0)) I do hope you are ok!
Lots of love, Night night x0x

This will sound trivial but, in addition to all the wonderful suggestions from others, I’d suggest having a makeover - hair, clothes, make-up etc. It’s surprisingly how much more confident you will feel when you look your best.

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. My dh doesn’t bully or I’ll treat me but for various reasons we do not connect at all. I was afraid and uncomfortable with my father . My mum was afraid too. I’m way past the menopause ( in my 60s) . I have friends and a lovely church but still feel I don’t matter and am invisible. But I will read over all your comments again and try some of the suggestions

Ellie Anne. I've been thinking of you and the others who have said they are the same, all day. I do hope that the messages here will give you a boost and you will know you are an extremely worthwhile person/people - all of you!

As folk have said, it might be that you are still a bit depressed. Is it worth a chat with the Doctor who prescribed the antidepressants to see if you need a higher dose? As far as I understand, it does not mean you are so badly depressed you need a stronger dose, but it can mean that your system has adapted to the level you are on and it has not quite met the target to get the serotonin in your synapses to stay there and make you feel better! Cor! Don't I sound clever? Actually it's only like, say, needing thyroxine, which I am on, and I have to have blood tests to check the level I'm on is adequate to replace what I lost when I had a bit of thyroid removed. Usually my dose is ok, but once I had to have a slightly higher dose. I felt better almost straight away. With antidepressants (I also have had these) it takes a couple of weeks for the substance (serotonin) to build up to the working-level we need.
I do remember, when I was given antidepressants some time ago, that their effect actually made me more decisive and confident. I was studying and I noticed it, and began to feel more like discussing things in seminars. Maybe the need for a higher dose applies to you? -just a thought.

I came here to say good night as I'm heading bed-ward! Just wanted to drop in and wish you a good night. You did a good thing writing in, a very good thing. Helped lots of us actually and I do hope you really believe us - we truly value you and love to have kind, thoughtful, sweet-natured people around! But you have a right to voice your own opinions! It takes practice...
Thank you. Lots of love, night, night. xxx

Nanaval4G. I have been on my own for a long time now, I decided to try one of the holidays for singles. There is one Company that runs ones that are not aimed at people looking for partners! I went to Norway and had a simply wonderful holiday. We sailed round the fiords and had coach trips to the inland places and saw so much including the Flåm railway (I want to go back!).

I made a good friend with another lady also on her own and we keep in touch and met up on another holiday run by the company. I'm a bit more disabled now so I can't manage the walking - just from the coach to the hotel I mean not strenuous walking.

If you can pluck up courage you could try a short coach trip maybe just a week end away. It is usual for there to be at least one other person not with a partner or a couple of ladies together who invite you to join them.

Also do go out and if you stop somewhere for coffee or a meal, take a book or magazine. You won't feel as if no one is talking to you then.

I can honestly say that since I have been on my own I have met and chatted with more people than when I was part of a couple! You don't have to say much at all. A smile and hello and if they want to talk they will. People are usually really lovely!

Good luck!

@Ellie Anne And yet- you have confidence to post on here -
I wont rabble on but -
take a bath and smoke some marijuana

Ellie-Anne, you poor love. I can really sympathise with you. I too am in pretty dysfunctional marriage. I go to work to get out of the house and like your DH, he doesn't go out or have any wish to do anything. I also have a morbid fear of confrontation which, if I'm honest, is not healthy for me. i think you would benefit from some couseling. Go and see your GP and insist, I really feel for you. However, the one thing that you need to remember is: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt) Don't give them your consent! They will continue to abuse it. Lets us all know how you get on and chin up eh?

I.have not read all the comments, but I do no where you are coming from.
Firstly, in our society age is not regarded with respect. Children often take you for granted, expect you to defer to them, and we do.
On a teaching training course many years ago we all had role model play on saying 'no This is often difficult in close rekationships but necessary for your self esteem. You are no kess than another person, so voice your opinion in a wuiet positive way and stick to it. Better to be alone than suffer continual humilation from others ans lose yourself. Please answer me on this

Ellie I can absolutely empathise with you. I have always been an introvert and have no confidence at all. My sister on the other hand was definately an extrovert with bags of confidence. We used to go on holiday together every year and she wold be talking away to someone while I stood back. Unfortunately she passed away 2 years ago so I have no-one to go with now. I would love to be able to have the confidence to go places on my own. I have lived alone since the late 80's when I got divorced .

Then it's time to stand up and be heard ,you only live once .

You definitely need something to make you feel better about yourself as you are experiencing depression and it's affecting your mental health. What about acting lessons or a course in assertiveness. Have you seen the livewell site? There's an assertiveness outreach service
www.livewellsouthwest.co.uk/about/all-services/

Maybe asking for a change in antidepressants? Only you can change the way you live your life and I think going to assertive classes would be a good start. I would ask your GP to refer you.
I on the other hand am like Monica, I don't pussyfoot around my adult children lol and I certainly wouldn't have them shouting at me. They'd soon get their answer. I'm known to get on my soapbox and give my views on things. I take after my dad for that. But although I have my firm opinions I do respect the views of others and everyone has a right to have their own opinions. I love a good debate and there's never any fallouts. We are a close and loving family by the way. lol
I do hope that you can get some help Elle with your confidence. You seem such a lovely person who needs to find her voice.

Ellianne, it occurs to me that you aren't having opportunities to smile and be with friends. Do you have any good friends you can have an evening out with?

We all pussyfoot around our children, because we are scared of conflict

I find I can disagree with my sons without causing conflict. We usually end up laughing and agreeing to differ. After all, they are adults with good qualifications, responsible jobs and their own families. We are equals!
I had a lot of learning to do when, after moving away from an area where I had good friends, only a few months later, my husband left me. It took me some time to get back on an even keel but it did help that I was, at the time, doing an introductory counselling course and I was able to apply some of the techniques to myself, helped by other course members. So I agree with other posters that counselling would be worth trying.

What gives you personal pleasure?
Walking, swimming, sewing? I think it's time you spent more time doing things for yourself, which would give you both pleasure and a feeling of satisfaction, and then self worth.