Caring

I'd just like to say what a wonderful caring loving lot you are. I can't help you with your situation but I can admire and respect you all for supporting and caring for your loved ones.

No engine runs on empty. Your tank needs occasional topping up.

Sue421, no you are not being at all selfish and it would be good if you can find a way to get the odd longer period away - to go somewhere you want to visit, to see an exhibition and have time to walk round slowly looking at the exhibits, or an open garden with a friend etc. The agencies others have suggested would be a good starting point, local charities or befriending services may offer befrienders or 'sitters' that can give you either one-off breaks or regular breaks. You will always be in a stronger position to help someone you love if you also look after and make time for yourself.

Luckygirl - as I have done before I find myself wishing your situation was better- it must be hard seeing someone you love suffering such a poor quality of life - my thoughts are with you too, as well as people like Saggi and zsazsa who are also full-time carers - for all of you

Borntosew , like you I am the one that needs care and we have always said my better half must take time away from me and my needs to, hopefully, avoid any growing resentment. Luckily I can do a lot more for myself at the moment but there have been plenty of times where he has done everything from housework, laundry, shopping & various medical appointment to my personal care - none of it pleasant and all of of it hard work.

Carers are the unsung heroes of the world, not always appreciated as much as they should be and rarely get any financial benefit for all they do. That £300 a year someone mentioned that carers can claim to pursue their own interests is a pittance - better than a kick up the arse/bugger all, but would be lucky to cover a course, a few days away, expenses for a few days out. Considering the money carers save the NHS, local councils etc they deserve so much more and it's a sad reflection on our society that they are not valued/rewarded more. To all carers - please take the time to care for yourself and time-out if you can - you are all brilliant.

My neighbour was able to book her DH into a care home for respite care. He was able to go three times a year for three nights at a time and he enjoyed the change of scenery, and flirting with the nurses. Might that be an idea?

'In Sickness and in Health" - easier said than done. Of course you're not being selfish - just loving.

It is vital that Carers have respite. You need to look after yourself to enable you to look after your cared for. Good advise above. There are lots of sitting services available. Contact your Carers link, Age UK and Hospiscare who support people with long term ilnessesses and not just cancer. Social Services will help you too, have a Carers assessment and find out what you are entitled to. If you are happy and relaxed your husband is much more likely to be too. Please do not leave it any longer you do not want become resentful, caring for a loved one should feel like a privilege although it is challenging, a slow bereavement and a severe rollercoaster all the way. Look after yourself first and foremost and caring will become much easier. Wishing you strength

If you live in North East Wales there is a wonderful charity NEWCIS who provide all kinds of help and support for carers.

caring can be very anti-social and the longer it goes on the more isolated you become.

My mother was very selfish and refused help of any kind saying I have a daughter and it is her duty to look after me!

Is DH receiving any care ?If his mobility is so poor then you need to contact his GP.?He /she can then set the ball rolling for Adult Social Care to step in.
I was in the same position with my late DH and without this NHS care would never have got a moment to myself.

Everyone needs some 'downtime' or respite - that's called sanity, not selfishness. If you have some time away from caring and you spend it doing something interesting, you come back refreshed and with something to talk about to you DH. You will both benefit from time away, as whoever is with your DH will have different things to talk about and another perspective for him. Don't think you are selfish - your life must be hard enough already without beating yourself up!

Thank you all for talking to me.......you have boosted me...only I can sort me out and am already planning to put a day aside a month with a couple of hours each week. Thank you.

No way are you being selfish Sue 421.
You do need time for yourself to stay strong in order to look after your DH. I dont know if things have changed but when my mother was living with us a social worker came out from Adult Social Care at the local council. She not only arranged for care items like a commode that fitted over the toilet but filled in a carers assessment. Once she had that she was able to get Mum a day a week at the local daycare centre to give me some respite. After a few weeks Mum refused to go on the bus provided so I had to take her myself which cut down on my free time but still gave me enough time to go shopping plus maybe lunch with a friend. Other days I would take her out with me in her wheelchair and have some lunch somewhere. She enjoyed that. Is your husband too poorly to go out sometimes?

You can only do as much as you can, as many people above have said you must make sure you have some sort of life of your own. Would your DH be able to go to a day centre, we have one which I used to volunteer, they would pick the person up from home in a mini bus, take them to the day centre, they would have lunch there, and if they needed anything like baths, toenails cut, hair washed, they could have that, there would be entertainers occasionally go in, we planted gardens with the clients, anything they wished to do, some only wanted to sit and listen, or sleep, but they were there for around 4/5 hours per day which would give you a few hours to yourself. You would probably have to pay for lunch etc, but well worth it. If your DH isn't able to go out then there are different associations that could come to your aid. If you both get some time to yourself it will give you both something else to talk about when you are together. Take care, it is never easy.

No engine runs on empty. Your tank needs occasional topping up

Indeed. One of the most important things that a carer has to do is to look after themselves.

The original version of 'Omnia' by Bvlgari - loved it!

Sorry wrong thread!

Sue421 you are not being selfish. I understand a little where you are coming from too. I live with my Mum who has dementia which is deteriorating quite rapidly. Since October she has been anxious about being on her own at home. I work 2½days a week still so my sister, who lives an hours drive away, & I have been sharing staying with her until the past couple of months when we have started getting a carer in twice a week. One day so my DS has an extra day at home & one day so that I can go off & do my own thing. You need to take care of yourself both mentally as well as physically so that you can care for him & both be happy. As previous posters have suggested try to find out if there is anyone in your area that can help. I suggest a quick chat with your GP as they should know of groups that can help. Hugs.

As you are a carer you would be entitled to a Carer's Assessment and your husband a Needs assessment etc, and you and your husband would be entitled to the 4 hour sitting service.

Well.your not helpful are you Saggi.not helpful at all.!!

You're out of order Jaye53. I can't see a helpful post from you on here either.

Dear carers you all have my uppermost respect you really do. I've been involved and still am, regarding two of my closest family members. I do voluntary work where there are carers for the residents. You are very special people with hearts of gold and yes you do deserve time out for you.

sharon103, Jaye53 was commenting, quite rightly, on a seemingly sarcastic and unnecessary post from Saggi.
Sheesh, I wish I’d read the instructions on highlighting poster’s names before I decided to reply!

I must be a bit dim I read Saggi’s post and felt sorry for her situation where was the sarcasm in it? Or was there another post I missed?

I must be blind too because I fidnt see anything sacartastic in the post from Saggi . She was just saying what her life has been like and advising the OP to make sure she gets a life of her own as well as caring for her husband.