HELP! College Fund Account - should we give it to her?

It seems as if your daughter sees you as a source of money and for no other reason. No doubt she has influenced your granddaughter to see you in the same light, especially as you haven't seen either of them for 2 years.

If she is contacting you about money for your granddaughter's education, I'd suggest that you tell her that you'll pay the fees directly to the college in question, when the time comes. (that's if you still want to contribute). The college could contact you when the fees are due, and you could pay them as needed. That way your daughter wouldn't have any say in the matter. Good luck !

I think stella1949 has a good plan I’d go with that.

Depends on whether you really want contact or are in earnest about the fees , it all seems so money orientated .
Good plan if you want to help with the fees but not get involved

If you moved away to distance yourself from your daughter and granddaughter and haven’t seen them for two years and only have very limited contact which isn’t returned I d be tempted to blow the lot on a nice holiday for yourselves however if you have PROMISED it to them and feel strong on keeping promises then I guess that wouldn’t sit comfortably with you
I think you need to have some kind of conversation to clear things up, even if you just send a letter that isn’t answered I would tell your daughter how much you love her but are hurt by her ignoring you and whilst you have been saving for your granddaughters education you aren’t just a bank manager and need to feel something coming back from them before you action it You really need to clear the air before you go any further with your support
Good luck

She's working in a good job, your GD has a father who, I presume, still supports his daughter and there is a b/f who does/doesn't live with your DD.
I think she's pretty well set up and as they show no interest in you bar financially, I'd blow part of the fund on a dream trip taking a couple of months. The rest I'd save in case either of you fall ill or need it for emergencies (unless you have decent savings)
I'd never be a cash cow family or no family despite any promises made.
She is obviously tries to make you feel guilty.
Refuse to play the game and definitely don't beg for thanks, that's ridiculous.
Good luck and enjoy planning your college fund adventure.

It does seem that you are being used as a bank cogrannies it's sad the relationship has come down to this. Your granddaughter seems to be following in her mother's footsteps although the behaviour you describe is typically that of a teenager.
I think as BlueBelle says you need to have a frank talk with your daughter and tell her you are not prepared to subsidise her any more given her attitude toward you. Regarding the college fund I think you should keep this long standing promise Stella had a good point about this. You may not need to make it such a large amount though. Good luck.

being the cash cow has to stop, GD is following in her mother's footsteps

no!

well that was my first thought!

GG54 talks a lot of sense, exactly what I would do. Go for it.

I know your granddaughter hasn’t been good in keeping contact, but she is a teenager after all, plus her mothers influence is also a contribution to her poor attitude. At the end of the day she is still little more than a child, so if you withhold the fees you are in fact punishing her, is that something you REALLY want to do?

I think the earlier response of paying the college directly is a good piece of advice.

Once done your promise has been fulfilled and you will know in your hearts you have done everything you could do for your offspring. You can then leave it up to them to decide their actions for better or for worse.

I wish you all the best and realise the situation must sadden you both. Good luck.

I really can't understand grown up children that still seem to believe that their parents are just there to support them financially!
You have changed your whole life for your daughter and GD only to be abused for any help you might have given.
The suggestion that you pay the fees direct to the college is a good one - if handed direct to your daughter, who knows where it would end up !
However, many things can change in the next 2 years - unfortunately, your GD is following her mother's example or maybe just being a teenager, ignoring texts etc.
I'd stop with the begging for contact too, however hurtful that is. You and your DH are entitled to a bit of time on your own terms , not waiting for the crumbs that your ungrateful family are dropping

Would definitely agree with paying the college directly - with a way of making sure that your GD is attending and that any refunds come straight back to you. Make sure that you only pay for the tuition fees (not maintenance as that could be spent on anything - and not necessarily by your GD). Although a part of me thinks: spend it on yourself, a more rational part is saying: this is your granddaughter; she's a teenager - they're all difficult; and if you pay for her tuition fees then she will know this (or will get to know it in the future) and it will be something to counter any negative messages she's getting from your daughter. BUT make sure you pay them directly and in no other way. Contact the college if unsure how to go about it (when she has a place) and deal only with them - not through another bank account. The other thing I would say is to revise your Will - does it leave all of it or a substantial % to your daughter? If so, personally, I would make a new one and, maybe, leave only a small amount to your GD but mainly organisations that reflect your values. As for the rest of it - enjoy it !!

PS Definitely stop begging for contact. Cool off, withdraw and live your own life. This gives the power back to you, and stops you from being in a position of powerlessness.

cogrannies, the answer to your question is no, I wouldn’t pay. Your granddaughter is not making any attempt to keep in touch with you, and if you give her the money, or even if you pay the college fees, she will come to regard you as a cash cow, much as her mother does. I would hold on to the money and wait to see if see reaches out to you in a genuine way when she is somewhat more mature. If she does, then you should perhaps reevaluate the situation and possibly use the money for her to put towards buying a home.

In the main teenage girls dont call,txt or visit grannies,unless granny lives very close and can intervene in mum issues.I wouldn't think your GD is any different to the majority .
As to your daughter if you really believe she's only interested in your money then you need to talk to her about it.
I think if you promised this "college fund" then when she goes to college she should have it paid but aside from that whether you give them money or not is entirely your choice and you shouldn't let your AD let you feel you have to give her anything.She has a life ,let her get on with it .

I would be careful not to tar the granddaughter with the same brush as the mother.
Teenagers pull back from their immediate family at that age. I know I did, I thought they would be around forever and I regret not spending more time with my granny when I was in my early teens but my life revolved around school and seeing my friends. It’s normally the parents pushing grandchildren to have a relationship with their grandparents at that age and if your relationship with your daughter is shaky that won’t be happening.
I agree with an earlier poster, pay straight to the university of choice rather than directly to her. I would also draw up a contract that to get this money she must come for family dinners, or scheduled phone calls once a week so that you can build a relationship with her. It isn’t holding the money over her head, my son is saddled with a huge loan debt so it is a big thing you would be doing for her. Her mother may not appreciate it but it is a generous gift which cannot be expected without a current relationship with GD.
I would say all of this with a positive tone, no judgement with what has come before in your relationship. The mother maybe doing all you have stated she has done, but parenting sometimes is just survival (I still remember the bad bits vividly of juggling childcare and a full time job with a useless husband) with you sinking in a boat just grabbing onto what ever lifebuoys that you see, sometimes not thanking people properly for their help.
Start afresh in your attitude which may reset the relationship, if she doesn’t feel disapproval from you perhaps she may behave less like a spoilt child. Stay calm, stay reasonable and don’t rise to any bait. Good luck and keep us posted. Dilly x

I think it depends on whether at all you want any relationship with them at all. Some money towards college tuition paid directly does seem like a compromise.

It sounds as if this money was promised to your grand daughter, and that you are considering reneging on the offer based on their behaviours. So, Saying that you were holding it hostage based on actions doesn’t seem too far off to me.

Your granddaughter is 16, they are probably very reasonably starting to look at how to pay for college. College in America as you know, is insanely expensive. They might need to know about your money for scholarships or financial aid.

Make your decision and live with the fall out one way or the other.

As a personal story, I had an aunt who always promised that she had a college fund for me. Instead of giving it to me when it was time, or paying it directly to the school, she kept it from me and lost thousands of dollars, all because she was angry with my parents. We no longer have a relationship, because of this and other reasons.
Cases like this happen often.

This is why most parents now won’t let anyone else set up funds for their kids. There are too many strings attached.

It’s your money, give it or don’t. But do not give it with strings, and do not be surprised if there is a break in contact if you don’t.

I would never reply straight away , always wait a few days . Then say I don’t know anything about granddaughter or college haven’t heard from GD for years ! I’m glad to hear things are going so well for you. All the best mum I would never tolerate my DD using me for money. If that was the case I’d save it for my old age knowing I might be on my own !!!

I wouldn't blame your grandchild or 'punish' her for her mother's negative attitude. She's still very young, impressionable and easily influenced by the adults in her life.

re: College
Since you do have some leverage (holding the purse strings), you can also set the terms....i.e. Dealing with the college directly and limiting her choices to schools that are in your own close proximity.

Not only will you be able to keep tabs on her progress, having her near you will make it easier to have a good relationship with your granddaughter and be a more positive influence in her life.

^re: College
Since you do have some leverage (holding the purse strings), you can also set the terms....i.e. Dealing with the college directly and limiting her choices to schools that are in your own close proximity.

Not only will you be able to keep tabs on her progress, having her near you will make it easier to have a good relationship with your granddaughter and be a more positive influence in her life.^

This the the best way to ruin a relationship with the grand daughter. Would you have accepte those conditions without a lot of resentment?

I certainly wouldn’t have.

This plays right into what the daughter is accusing OP of doing.

Curiously transatlantic problem, I suppose. If your grand daughter is sixteen, she is old enough to have direct conversations/emails/ face to face online contact, to discuss what she wants from College and life and your disappointment over the lack of contact. Old enough also to visit you on her own without her mother. Did you never send her "unbirthday" gifts, cash at Christmas and for birthdays? I received virtually no thanks for years but persevered. Grandchildren never used email, but things like snapchat, but as they reached late teens became sociable and pleasant on the rare occasions I could see them. Their mother admittedly put pictures online - not to me, but on Facebook. Reluctantly, I signed up for this, and found it a lot more about what was going on.

Tell them both you are holding the $ as ransom for their bad behaviour and when they start behaving decently towards you, you might consider it again.

It's unfair to compare your gran daughters behaviour to her mothers, they are at two totally different stages of life. As you have had little or no contact for two years it's impossible to know how their relationship is.

College may be the only way for GD to be independent and is certainly something she shouldn't be denied by the adults in her life if it's in their budget to provide.

If it has been a promise made then maybe it's a promise her grand parents should keep. The very least you will get out of it is the fact that you don't prioritise money and you wish the best for your GD.

I certainly would pay direct to the college of GD's choice, no conditions or expectations. I would write on a very nice little card to your GD and say what you intend doing saying you will wait for her to give you details on the college when the time comes.
I would then sort my will out and go on a holiday and sod the rest of them for the next few years till your GD has grown up.
If, if it all gets better and she becomes part of your family again, please don't repeat mistakes and part with money too easily. Treat them as adults, don't financially behave as though you are still the providers for their lives, that's down to them now. Good luck and enjoy looking for good causes to put in your will