Grandparents who show no interest in their grandchild.

My MIL was not interested in our 2DC but to be fair she had 13 others before them and had lost the plot by the time ours came along ?

We have this situation and I agree with Esther1. Keep the door open but don’t worry about it, sad though it may be.

Well , it's the MiL that is missing out - but some people just aren't interested in babies and young children and she may well have the attitude that she has brought up her son to an adult so has done her bit!
Unfortunately there is little that your daughter can do - your SiL seems to have accepted that is the way his mother is, so suggest that she keeps in contact, let her see the newborn only if she either turns up or contacts them and asks to see the baby! Really sad, but "you can take a horse to water, but you can't make them drink" springs to mind!

It really doesn't matter, your gc have you at least they have one set of loving grans.

DD has no grandparents as all had passed away before she was born. I asked her about whether she feels bereft in any way and she doesn't!

I had 4 grandparents and in regular touch with them all. I can't remember them being"interested" in me in any way (other than being given the odd thruppence) and as I recall this was the way things were back then.

I wonder sometimes whether some people are overinvolved in their families and the precedent has been set by these families for other families to feel that they are somehow odd, neglectful or just plain different if they do not respond in the required way to a new grandchild?

Some people may just have better things to do.

I think your daughter should go with the flow, make sure her children know there are two sets of grandparents, (I presume) remember them when it is their birthdays and certainly at Christmas, but other than that, just see how things pan out. I don't think the children will be missing out at all, and as they get older, they can make their own decisions about whether they want to keep in contact. Life is a little too short to worry about what other people do, or don't do.

Children don’t really need grandparents and vice versa. In this case, they have one set of involved grandparents which is plenty.
MIL isn’t necessarily missing out just because she isn’t interested in maintaining a close relationship with her DGC. She probably has other interests that consume her.
I hated my Grandmother as she was a complete cow and treated my mum very badly. Granddad was kind but died when I was quite young.
I see my DGS about once a year for about 4 days when they visit us but rarely contact him at other times. I’m just too busy. I know his other granny FaceTimes him weekly and I think that’s lovely.
I’ll wait until he’s a bit older and can spend more time with us, if he wants to.

There have been many threads on GN with paternal grandparents feeling left out of their DGC's lives. They made me think back to my PIL and whether, unintentionally, we had pushed them out because we were more involved with my DP. But truly they were really just uninterested in our children. Maybe FIL might have been a bit more interested than MIL but he was very much under her thumb and had to pander to her wants all the time.
So don't make a big thing about your DD's MIL being disinterested just leave the door open in case she does change . You DGC gets all that he needs from your family and that's all that matters.

You say your DD is thinking of not letting MIL see the new baby when it is born but presumably she won't want to! I would just let things jog along don't make contact for a while, no pictures etc, see if anything happens. Does she send her own son a birthday card? Surely he can explain why his mother might have this attitude.

I grew up like this - my paternal grandmother just wasn't interested, and although we lived in the same village never called round - we always had to go to her. When I was an older teenager I stopped visiting as it was pretty pointless. I did have a close relationship with the other side of the family (who lived miles away!) and honestly, that was enough for me.

I had very little to do with my Paternal GM, maternal ones died when I was very young and paternal GF died when my own father was young.
I never felt I missed out, I don’t think it was common in those days.
Families tended to be larger so, lots of GC.
My GM lived with her D so her C got priority, I don’t think any of my other cousins had much close contact with her.

Mine's a slightly different take on this but my son is now in his 30's....I split from his father when I was expecting him and it was a very bitter parting.
He has never seen his son, contributed towards his upbringing, sent a card - nothing at all.
I contacted his parents and explained that despite the situation with him, I'd be really happy for them to see/have some involvement with their grandchild.
The response was to ignore me and any overture I made.

Many years have past and likewise, all of my feelings of pain, hurt, anger and bitterness etc have passed too.

My son is a wonderful man and it's their loss BUT I know he's felt it over the years and in my opinion, it's his feelings and the feelings of every other child in this situation we should be thinking about.

I do wonder if these people ever think about that?

Maybe she likes her freedom, and doesn't want her time to be taken up with babysitting or activities involving the children. I can't understand how anyone could be that way, but there are plenty of selfish people in this world.
I can't understand the children's father being so accepting of the situation, and even defending her attitude. Was she a good mother to her own children? Maybe she was self-involved when they were young, too.
All you can really do is accept that she is that way, and be glad that they have one set of grandparents that want to connect with them.
I was unlucky enough to have no grandparents, as they all died before I was born. I survived!

My ex is a bit like this. When I told him Tommy was coming to stay with me he asked Tommy who?However once daughter actually takes the child to see him he is friendly enough and gives him money.

I Agree with Izabella. Not everyone is enamoured if small children. Many find them boring with the endless repetitive questions and 'why?'to every answer. You can probably tell I'm a bit like that myself although I love older children and find them endlessly entertaining.
The MIL might also be keeping her distance to avoid being asked to provide free childcare as so many grandparents seem to do these days.
Just don't push it.

Well there wouldn't be much point in refusing to let her see the baby - it's would be a punishment that would completely miss its mark, given that she's not interested :D

Sad lady - she is missing so much, but then so are the grandchildren. We had a slightly worse scenario in that the Gps made a lot of fuss of the eldest and ignored the younger sibling all together .

It doesn't take much to send a card does it even if she wants no other involvement! Don't let this change your daughter though - she must do as her conscience dictates not let her mil make her act differently to her nature.

I do hope this doesn't mean the children don't see their cousins (the other grandchildren who bore her)

We have a family member who has no interest in our kids. We stopped trying but it wasnt dramatic. No fall out. No "cutting off". We just stopped expecting them to be any different. We see them sometimes at family dos.

Its a shame that they dont want a relationship. but it no longer upsets us.

Nobody likes everyone. That includes relatives.

My mother-in-law was the same although FiL wasn't. She hardly acknowledged that our children existed. At first I thought that she perhaps was not just the 'grandmotherly' type until my Sil (her daughter) had her children and then she oozed over them whenever she could. This hurt both me and my husband (her son) very much. It got to the point that my children, even at a young age, noticed and they were very hurt by it. Recently she was made a GGM for the first time (my daughter's child) and although showed a little interest, didn't want to hold the new baby and paid very little interest in her.

Please forgive me for a quick response
I can understand your daughter's unhappiness. But thank God it is not you - her own mother - who is uninterested in her children!

Sadly I think there is little you all can do but just treat her kindly, include her in the same way, send the photos as usual and don't get upset by her lack of response. We could speculate for ever as to why she cannot relate to her grandchildren but we do not know the answer.

I think it is touching that her son is loyal to her and sticks up for her. I would urge you and your DD not to put him under pressure regarding his DM's unusual attitude. He can't help it - obviously!

Good luck to you all!

(^pernickety person's nitpicking^:
disinterested = impartial, unbiased, or has no stake in the outcome. If you're on trial, you want a disinterested judge
uninterested = indifferent, bored, unconcerned
Thanks!)

I don;t understand why anyone who doesn;t make a big fuss of babies in general are deemed to be odd
I love my children and grandchildren, but whenever there is a new baby i feel as if i am obliged to make a fuss and ahhing sounds
My daughter never wanted children and people make her feel she is inhuman somehow
I was thrilled when my first son had his first child and was involved a lot in looking after him and the next two
Another son had a breakup, and i never saw his children much as the mother kept them away from us,so they dont bother with me, and a second son had a breakup too, same scenario. so it is not always the grandparents fault if they don;t get involved with grandchildren
I think too much is expected of grandparents sometimes,,

I hope this particular grandmother will have more interest when the baby gets a bit older, some people just prefer babies at a later stage, when they are toddling and talking

I too agree with Isabella and HannahLois. It does seem sad (for all concerned) but I think your DD will just have to accept her MIL for who she is and the way she is. The children will do that anyway. She should always be included in conversations with the GC about the family/GPs but not in a critical way, just let them draw their own conclusions about her as they grow up.

My own MIL adored our children when they were babies, but once they were mobile and boisterous, and in particular could ask questions and make comments, she lost interest. Shortly before she died she said that our boys had never really liked her. I said they just didn't understand why she didn't want them around. She said she simply didn't know how to talk to children any more. But our sons still remember her fondly and now understand that sometimes the generation gap is just too large.

It does sound odd, but there are women who do not like babies and some who don't like children! It sounds as if OPs daughter's mother-in-law is one of them.

I would advise the young mother to leave well alone. She can't force her mother-in-law to interest herself in her grandchildren. She is missing a lot.

The children have the OP as a loving, caring, normal grandmother. What does the children's father think they should be told when they reach the age of asking why his mother never visits?