Grandparents who show no interest in their grandchild.

I agree that grandparents should not have to be obliged to be involved with their grandchildren, it would be nice if the generations could communicate on this issue so that everyone knows where they stand and everyone knows what they feel they can and can't offer
Wishful thinking I realise!

Lat me throw the cat among the pigeons. Why should grandparents be expected to find time and space for their grandchildren?

It is purely a matter of personal choice. Yes, for a lot of us it is instinctive, we love our children, we love our grandchildren, but if our parents were never that keen on having children but did, either by accident or the pressure of social norms, once their children are off their hand, why should they start again when they can choose whether to or not?

There are some people; two of them brought me up; who are not interested in children at all.

You cannot force someone to love children but I do think it is quite mean not to acknowledge the little chap's birthday.

Still, if kids leave you cold, you wouldn't want to foster a relationship in case you were asked to spend time with
them or (heaven forbid!) babysit.

This is so heartbreaking, when there are grandparents on this site, who will give their right arm to see their grandchildren , just for an hour.

Unfortunately I never had children, but met my lovely husband ten years ago and became a Step mother and Step Grandmother. I have four step children; two of whom I am very close to and five grandchildren who I absolutely adore. The grandchildren do not see their birth grandmother at all. The second eldest has met his grandmother three times, the last time being when he was about 2 or 3, he is 9 now. I can’t understand her; they are smashing kids and she simply can’t be bothered. Some people really are strange!

I assumed we were talking about grandparents, not just grandmothers. The thread title does say grandparents who show no interest.

Why would it make any difference?

Would this thread be so long and full of s if it was just a FIL who lacked interest I wonder?

This is very sad to read. I can’t understand why a Grandparent has no interest in their grandchildren.I would give a lot to be more involved with mine. I have two nearby,but still don’t see them very often. My DD and SIL are both nurses and are constantly juggling childcare.For various reasons I am unable to help them very much.
My other DGs live 300miles away so seeing them is very rare.
Having put my situation ,I do have a friend who has no interest in children and didn’t have any of her own. She much prefers dogs and,no longer having her own dog, often looks after friends’dogs and takes some neighbours’dogs for walks to help their owners. Each to his own I guess!

cheekychops, maybe they have been waiting for a request to help with practical things such as taking the little boy to the park to play ball, or to come to the house and make the child's tea while the mother goes out. Something practical which is a real help along with a bit of responsibility. May be practical help is their idea of what grandparents do?

Some grandparents, mainly the grandmother i think, dote too much on their grandchildren and get too involved
Another son had been with his partner for 8 years, but as soon as her daughter had a baby, [not his daughter] she was at the daughters house every day, then babysitting at night,
They had no private life, and she was at the daughters beck and call
Daughter broke up with her partner and wanted her mum there even more
This ruined my sons relationship , and she left to move in with daughter,my son was devastated, he thought they were together for good

I have four grandchildren and due to working long hours I don't see mine very often probably fort nightly.but I do love them just need time to get chores done on a weekend . Baby sit when I can but they aren't the centre of my life.

Thinking my GC are just the best of everything I find it hard to understand your DDs MIL's attitude. But, we are not all the same. At least your DD and her SiL are treated the same being ignored as well as the children. If your SIL isn't forthcoming about why or us willing to highlight issue to his DM you and DD just have to accept the current situation.

My paternal grandmother didn't want me! My parents lived with her because they didn't want to leave her on her own during the war. My parents had been married for 11 years when they had me and my grandmother, who was too old by then to live alone and already had other grandchildren, really didn't want her peace and quiet disturbed. I can't say I blame her. There were various problems, mainly due to an aunt, but give my grandmother her due, she never made me feel unwanted. She gave me pocket money, read to me, let me comb her long white hair (occasionally). She died shortly before Easter but had already bought me an Easter egg, which I was duly given. I loved her a lot.

I get that some people don't like being around children but I think it is awful not to send a card and a gift or some cash to your grandchildren on their birthdays. What possible excuse could there be for that?

I've never been a person who goes all "gooey eyed" over babies, toddlers & older children I adore. I am involved with my DGSs unlike other set of GPs who rarely visit but they do remember Birthdays & Christmas.

You can't change how your DD's MiL acts & in her position I wouldn't push for more contact, however I wouldn't keep new baby from her if she wants to see him/her.

This situation actually has nothing to do with you although you're obviously concerned. Let you DD & SiL deal with this in their own way.

I knew all my GPs & have fond memories but they were all different people. My DM didn't know any of her GPs. Don't think you miss what you've never had.

I know quite a lot of adults who don’t care for children, my son being one of them , he has very little patience with his younger nieces and nephews, but seems to like them more as they get older, a lot of people are the same. We had some very close friends, who would often stay overnight if we went out, but they always left really early so they wouldn’t have to see our children!

We never took offence.

I don't disagree with much that's been said here about people who don't connect with their grandchildren. But there may come a time when she's old and alone, when she will regret not having the odd visitor. My MiL clearly preferred the other GC (who came from the child who married money!), they now are not so connected to her through geography and bereavement, but my dear AC have no grandmotherly happy childhood memories and no emotional tie to her. Now I'm a gran, I am sad for the 90yr old her.

It does sound odd, but there are women who do not like babies and some who don't like children! It sounds as if OPs daughter's mother-in-law is one of them.

I would advise the young mother to leave well alone. She can't force her mother-in-law to interest herself in her grandchildren. She is missing a lot.

The children have the OP as a loving, caring, normal grandmother. What does the children's father think they should be told when they reach the age of asking why his mother never visits?

I too agree with Isabella and HannahLois. It does seem sad (for all concerned) but I think your DD will just have to accept her MIL for who she is and the way she is. The children will do that anyway. She should always be included in conversations with the GC about the family/GPs but not in a critical way, just let them draw their own conclusions about her as they grow up.

My own MIL adored our children when they were babies, but once they were mobile and boisterous, and in particular could ask questions and make comments, she lost interest. Shortly before she died she said that our boys had never really liked her. I said they just didn't understand why she didn't want them around. She said she simply didn't know how to talk to children any more. But our sons still remember her fondly and now understand that sometimes the generation gap is just too large.

I don;t understand why anyone who doesn;t make a big fuss of babies in general are deemed to be odd
I love my children and grandchildren, but whenever there is a new baby i feel as if i am obliged to make a fuss and ahhing sounds
My daughter never wanted children and people make her feel she is inhuman somehow
I was thrilled when my first son had his first child and was involved a lot in looking after him and the next two
Another son had a breakup, and i never saw his children much as the mother kept them away from us,so they dont bother with me, and a second son had a breakup too, same scenario. so it is not always the grandparents fault if they don;t get involved with grandchildren
I think too much is expected of grandparents sometimes,,

I hope this particular grandmother will have more interest when the baby gets a bit older, some people just prefer babies at a later stage, when they are toddling and talking

Please forgive me for a quick response
I can understand your daughter's unhappiness. But thank God it is not you - her own mother - who is uninterested in her children!

Sadly I think there is little you all can do but just treat her kindly, include her in the same way, send the photos as usual and don't get upset by her lack of response. We could speculate for ever as to why she cannot relate to her grandchildren but we do not know the answer.

I think it is touching that her son is loyal to her and sticks up for her. I would urge you and your DD not to put him under pressure regarding his DM's unusual attitude. He can't help it - obviously!

Good luck to you all!

(^pernickety person's nitpicking^:
disinterested = impartial, unbiased, or has no stake in the outcome. If you're on trial, you want a disinterested judge
uninterested = indifferent, bored, unconcerned
Thanks!)

My mother-in-law was the same although FiL wasn't. She hardly acknowledged that our children existed. At first I thought that she perhaps was not just the 'grandmotherly' type until my Sil (her daughter) had her children and then she oozed over them whenever she could. This hurt both me and my husband (her son) very much. It got to the point that my children, even at a young age, noticed and they were very hurt by it. Recently she was made a GGM for the first time (my daughter's child) and although showed a little interest, didn't want to hold the new baby and paid very little interest in her.

We have a family member who has no interest in our kids. We stopped trying but it wasnt dramatic. No fall out. No "cutting off". We just stopped expecting them to be any different. We see them sometimes at family dos.

Its a shame that they dont want a relationship. but it no longer upsets us.

Nobody likes everyone. That includes relatives.

I do hope this doesn't mean the children don't see their cousins (the other grandchildren who bore her)

It doesn't take much to send a card does it even if she wants no other involvement! Don't let this change your daughter though - she must do as her conscience dictates not let her mil make her act differently to her nature.