Gransnet forums

Chat

Daughters bad attitude so hurtful

(24 Posts)
Ellie62 Tue 18-Jun-19 17:01:52

My daughter is always nasty to me, shes nice when she want something! She does have a disability(epilepsy), and a 4 year old daughter. However, she begged me to help her move away from her alcoholic boyfriend, gave him the house didnt ask for a penny etc. I not only helped her find a house, but paid the deposit and bought all the furniture! I also buy all of my granddaughters clothes as my daughter doesnt get much money as she is on benefits. If i dare mention the ex she hits the roof!, surely i have a right to ask why hes not contributing for his own child? To make matters worse he constantly rings her and she chats with him. He not only totally controlled her but also took all her benefits money when she was with him. I am now at the end of my tether but she knows she can manipulate me because of my granddaughter who is very close to me. I work full time but just feel like a doormat, i think i need to toughen up, and start putting myself first.

JenniferEccles Tue 18-Jun-19 17:08:23

I am just wondering why your daughter needs to claim benefits? Doesn't she work? You say she has epilepsy but most people with it manage to work, many full time.

It sounds as if you have done more than enough for your daughter, so it is surely now time for her to take responsibility for her own life and stop sponging off you.

Bordersgirl57 Tue 18-Jun-19 17:13:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sodapop Tue 18-Jun-19 17:57:37

Is your daughter's epilepsy well controlled Ellie62 if so I think you should start reducing the amount of support you give her. As JenniferEccles said many people with epilepsy work and manage their lives well. It sounds like your daughter is using this as stick to beat you with. Harden your heart a little and put yourself first once in a while.

Ellie62 Tue 18-Jun-19 18:43:09

Thank you Jennifer, no she hasnt worked for years as her epilepsy has been quite severe but you are right its time she took responsibility for her own life, after all she is 35!

annep1 Tue 18-Jun-19 18:51:16

I work full time but just feel like a doormat, i think i need to toughen up, and start putting myself first.

Agree totally!

Esther1 Tue 18-Jun-19 19:30:27

It must be so hard for you - it has to be hard to keep calm. We will always put our children before ourselves though. It’s the way it is. Wish I could say be tough.

agnurse Tue 18-Jun-19 20:48:09

1. She needs to be the one to ask him for money. That's not your concern. If you can't afford to help her out, then you simply don't do it.

2. Abusive relationships can be very complicated and it's not always as simple as telling women to just walk away. There is often a certain element of "Stockholm syndrome". Not to mention that no abusive relationship is abusive 24/7. There is a distinct cycle of abuse. Tension builds, there is an eruption, and then the abuser promises to change, often buys gifts, etc. - until the tension builds again. Frequently, people are swayed by the reconciliation phase, thinking "He'll change. He really MEANS it this time".

I think you need to take a step back. Your daughter is a grown adult. Unless you can demonstrate that she doesn't have capacity (in which case she shouldn't be caring for a child at all), she has the right to make her own mistakes. If you're worried about your GD being abused, you need to contact the authorities.

HannahLoisLuke Wed 19-Jun-19 11:24:10

Ellie, you said that she gave him the house. Do they own it?
If so she needs a solicitor to help her to claim her half.

As for the rest, I agree with other posters, start saying no, gently. Just say you can't afford whatever it is, but stay friendly.
She's your daughter and you love her in spite of everything, but your job as a mum is to let her be an adult.

Elderlyfirsttimegran Wed 19-Jun-19 11:31:06

If she’s fit enough to live alone I would have thought she could some sort of work.

Nanny27 Wed 19-Jun-19 11:37:12

If she contacts the child support agency they will ensure that his contribution is deducted at source from his income.

Chinesecrested Wed 19-Jun-19 12:43:26

My epileptic dsd works full time and drives.

There are effective medications which control epilepsy these days.

Nanny27 Wed 19-Jun-19 12:45:34

Yes I'm sure epilepsy is no longer a reason for not working

lilihu Wed 19-Jun-19 12:56:28

Is she claiming all the benefits she’s entitled to? If so, she shouldn’t really be struggling financially?? ( basing that on a young single parent family I’m aware of)
Is she getting job seeking help? Usually, people on benefits have to discuss their capability for work at regular intervals.
The ex should be contributing to the raising of his child.
Maybe you need to have a heart to heart once you’ve armed yourself with some useful facts? Enabling her to do nothing to help herself isn’t going to be good for her in the longer term.

sharon103 Wed 19-Jun-19 14:18:53

Ellie, your last sentence says it all "i think i need to toughen up, and start putting myself first."
Only my opinion but it sounds to me that your daughter still loves her alcoholic boyfriend but doesn't want to live with him as he is. A love/hate relationship.
I think you're in a no win situation and daughter has to learn by her own mistakes. You can't keep bailing her out or else she will never learn. I would always make sure your granddaughter is well fed and clothed. Giving items of food etc.

sharon103 Wed 19-Jun-19 14:27:06

Just to add, my eldest son has had epilepsy since he was 18 years old, now 43 and has always worked full time. He has an electrical abnormality in the brain. I'm just wondering if a change of medication or a higher dose might help her. There are always new drugs available. A bit risky I know if she should fit when she has a little girl with her all the time.

Greciangirl Wed 19-Jun-19 14:39:12

The word Mug comes to mind.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 19-Jun-19 15:02:09

My daughter has epilepsy, fits 6 days a week but still managed to do sort of pastime work. Its all changed now as she is far more disabled but even before her benefits were quite good and enough to live on. So I think ou need to harden up and stop letting her use epilepsy as a crutch.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 19-Jun-19 15:40:33

You have done so much for your daughter and granddaughter because you love them. But honestly, you will need to stop helping so much.

As long as you help, your daughter is not going to face up to her responsibilities as a mother, is she?

Give presents by all means, but stop buying all your granddaughter's clothes for goodness sake.

Tell your daughter that from now on you will not be able to help as much and stick to it. You don't need to explain why. If she asks why, tell her you have increasing expenses but don't give any details.

If or when she is nasty to you, tell her straight out that you are sick and tired of her being all sweetness and light when she wants something from you and nasty when she doesn't.

Once you stop helping your daughter might just demand child support from her ex, but I wouldn't bank on it, it sounds to me as if she is still under his thumb and might go back to him.

If you can afford it, put a little money into a savings account for your granddaughter. Don't tell her mother you are doing this, and find some way of tying up the account so no-one can withdraw money from it until your granddaughter is eighteen and can do so herself.

Include the details of this account in your will, and while you are at it, you might want to consider whether the money your daughter already has had off you is to be regarded as her inheritance and who or what you want to leave the rest of your belongings to.

We can out of goodness of our hearts do too much to help our adult children, you know.

Tillybelle Wed 19-Jun-19 18:35:31

Ellie62
I am truly sorry. In this situation you are the person who is suffering the most. The one who takes responsibility for the life of the defenceless child. The parents of the child know you will step in so they don't bother and use their child to put pressure on you so that he has enough money for his alcohol. This is why they need your money. Your daughter gets enough in benefits to dress her daughter and the father gets enough to support his child and himself. Except that he drinks alcohol so excessively it takes up the money he should use for his daughter and his own needs. Your daughter has made you believe she doesn't have enough money for clothes for her daughter. Have you ever worked out a budget plan with your daughter? Do you know what she receives in benefits? Would it be worth booking up a session at the CAB to go through her benefits and check she is getting everything she is meant to have, and find out how to make the father pay his child support?

Your situation is extremely common. Within about fifty metres of where I am now are two households that I know are suffering in the same way. In one, the mother has been enabling a dreadful man who injured her son and put him in hospital and has a no contact order. She has been with him for some 20 years. Her parents are very old and are completely worn out. They have no idea why their daughter keeps a relationship going with this man who I think is quite psychopathic. She has a University degree and used to have a very responsible job. Now she does only very low-paid work. She creeps out of the house and meets him, sits in the cinema kissing him, and simply refuses to stop seeing him although he pays not a penny towards his two children's maintenance and she has terrible debts.

Just as you know, these Grandmothers know that they should walk away and stop giving money to their daughter. But they do not dare. The danger to the children is too great for a start. I do understand this. But whatever you do or say will make no difference. The daughter and this terrible man will not change until something drastic force them to do so and it is most unlikely to be you who brings it about.

I think Bordersgirl57's words are excellent. They are beautiful in fact! I would strongly recommend you follow her advice. It is worth writing out and pinning on the wall!

When a coercive and controlling man gets involved with our daughter we are stuck. She will not listen to us or believe us. These kinds of men are seriously dangerous. I wish we could teach children about them at school. There are women like it too of course, but not in quite as great numbers.

The money issues are serious. You should not need to completely clothe your granddaughter. Has your daughter had any advice concerning finding work she could do? It seems incongruous to me that she is raising a 4 year old alone but unable to work. What happens to the little girl when she has a fit?

I think you need to explain that you will not be buying all your DGD's clothes from now on. You do not have to make excuses as to why. The reason is because you are not her parent and she has a father and a mother! In giving this money to your daughter you are actually paying for her boy-friend's alcohol. That is where their money goes.

I do not understand the housing situation properly either. Does she own the house on which you paid a deposit? Does she have a mortgage? Similarly the house her boy-friend is in. Who owns it? The situation is extremely unusual, and I am worried in case one of the houses does not have the bills paid on it. If that should happen, whose name is the house actually in?

There is so much knowledgable information about money from people here, I would take it all in, even print it out and discuss it with her! Especially Nanny27 saying that the father's contribution can be deducted at source.

Do as you said, toughen up. If she becomes childish and shouts then just leave her a written statement of your intentions, saying "I see you are not in the right mood to talk. I will leave this. We can talk when you are ready to have an adult discussion."

Good luck Ellie. You will get there, from your letter I feel you do know what to do.

EmilyHarburn Thu 20-Jun-19 10:11:11

Save up the money you would have liked to spend on your grand daughter into a fund for when she leaves school and wants to improve her education.

Ellie62 Thu 20-Jun-19 11:00:47

Thank you to everyone who responded i am so grateful and feel that you all understand the situation. regarding her property with him, she refused to seek legal advice and willingly signed the house over to him as it was mortgaged in joint names. she now rents from a private landlord! She speaks to him daily and i know she pops round to his house for tea? he lives a few streets away. Shes texting me trying to use emotional blackmail re my granddaughter but ive ignored it.

M0nica Fri 21-Jun-19 08:40:48

I think it is very easy, when a DC has some medical or other disability, to get over protective about them. Always trying to protect them from anything we think, consciously or not, that might make their problem worse.

Unfortunately this can result in the child being unprepared to deal with any problem themselves and always looking to their parent/s to solve all life's problems.

Ellie probably being used to being protected and looked after played a part in her attraction to a controlling man. You must gently help her stand on her own feet. Then she will realise she can manage without him as well.

Franbern Fri 21-Jun-19 09:02:13

Do need to say that this man, is the child's father. If it is possible for a good relationship to continue between the child and the Dad, then that is excellent, and should not be at all dependent on him giving any sort of financial support. Good if he can and will, but that should not be part of the criteria.
Your g.child has the right to know and love her Daddy - that is totally separate from any relationship between Daddy and Mummy. And, any financial criteria