Ellie62
I am truly sorry. In this situation you are the person who is suffering the most. The one who takes responsibility for the life of the defenceless child. The parents of the child know you will step in so they don't bother and use their child to put pressure on you so that he has enough money for his alcohol. This is why they need your money. Your daughter gets enough in benefits to dress her daughter and the father gets enough to support his child and himself. Except that he drinks alcohol so excessively it takes up the money he should use for his daughter and his own needs. Your daughter has made you believe she doesn't have enough money for clothes for her daughter. Have you ever worked out a budget plan with your daughter? Do you know what she receives in benefits? Would it be worth booking up a session at the CAB to go through her benefits and check she is getting everything she is meant to have, and find out how to make the father pay his child support?
Your situation is extremely common. Within about fifty metres of where I am now are two households that I know are suffering in the same way. In one, the mother has been enabling a dreadful man who injured her son and put him in hospital and has a no contact order. She has been with him for some 20 years. Her parents are very old and are completely worn out. They have no idea why their daughter keeps a relationship going with this man who I think is quite psychopathic. She has a University degree and used to have a very responsible job. Now she does only very low-paid work. She creeps out of the house and meets him, sits in the cinema kissing him, and simply refuses to stop seeing him although he pays not a penny towards his two children's maintenance and she has terrible debts.
Just as you know, these Grandmothers know that they should walk away and stop giving money to their daughter. But they do not dare. The danger to the children is too great for a start. I do understand this. But whatever you do or say will make no difference. The daughter and this terrible man will not change until something drastic force them to do so and it is most unlikely to be you who brings it about.
I think Bordersgirl57's words are excellent. They are beautiful in fact! I would strongly recommend you follow her advice. It is worth writing out and pinning on the wall!
When a coercive and controlling man gets involved with our daughter we are stuck. She will not listen to us or believe us. These kinds of men are seriously dangerous. I wish we could teach children about them at school. There are women like it too of course, but not in quite as great numbers.
The money issues are serious. You should not need to completely clothe your granddaughter. Has your daughter had any advice concerning finding work she could do? It seems incongruous to me that she is raising a 4 year old alone but unable to work. What happens to the little girl when she has a fit?
I think you need to explain that you will not be buying all your DGD's clothes from now on. You do not have to make excuses as to why. The reason is because you are not her parent and she has a father and a mother! In giving this money to your daughter you are actually paying for her boy-friend's alcohol. That is where their money goes.
I do not understand the housing situation properly either. Does she own the house on which you paid a deposit? Does she have a mortgage? Similarly the house her boy-friend is in. Who owns it? The situation is extremely unusual, and I am worried in case one of the houses does not have the bills paid on it. If that should happen, whose name is the house actually in?
There is so much knowledgable information about money from people here, I would take it all in, even print it out and discuss it with her! Especially Nanny27 saying that the father's contribution can be deducted at source.
Do as you said, toughen up. If she becomes childish and shouts then just leave her a written statement of your intentions, saying "I see you are not in the right mood to talk. I will leave this. We can talk when you are ready to have an adult discussion."
Good luck Ellie. You will get there, from your letter I feel you do know what to do.