Confused! Family & Estrangement

Letters and text are both written word. I see absolutely no difference in nuance and subtlety.

However, In most cases a letter leaves the sender and they don’t see it again assuming it’s a written one versus an email. A text stays with you until you delete it.

Unless you are an aunt of mine who photocopied a letter she sent berating a cousin of mine for how an event of hers happened. She then proceeded to show the letter to everybody on our side of the country.

I don’t think that was a worry at all here. OP was very clear and level headed. This man is nothing to her and she doesn’t want him in her life.

Why is a letter any different from a text

It’s a question of nuance and subtlety. It’s much easier to misinterpret a text. They are usually brief and don’t lend themselves to explanations and expressions of emotion that can be found in a letter.

Why is a letter any different from a text. I think the OP did brilliant.
He challenged her and tried to manipulate her and she stood her ground.
If he wanted a relationship he had 21 years. Now it’s to late.

Your ‘Mam’ has the right idea. Stick with her and respect that she knows what she’s talking about.

Did it have to be by text? Albeit a long one?
For something so absolute and final, I would have tried to put it in a letter even if I didn’t feel up to a face to face goodbye.

No this is why I said what I've wrote above

Could you see him briefly and leave the past in the past? It will not help to discuss why he has failed to be a good dad. Could you hear his current news and tell him about your present life and see how things go? Wishing you well.

It has been five days now & the fog has started to clear. I've managed to separate each issue and think more clearly. Thanks to everyone who has replied as it does help. I decided to contact my Dad through text message & this was our conversation; It's hggyug (my name), why has my aunt been texting me?
He wrote; Hi I don't know, where you told of my major operation
I said; you don't know, yes I heard about it but through someone else. I wish you well
He said: Thanks for that, I would have loved to have you here. Forget the past. Dad
I said : well of course I wish you well always have obviously, tried too many times though and it goes nowhere
He said: I have had 7 years of health issues that's why it's gone nowhere. I have had to put myself first to survive I'm sorry this is my second chance of life.

(I have heard that sentence for years and years from him)

I said: You seem to have a very different view on anything. That is not my opinion. You are and have been how you are for years and years and years. You need to keep on thinking about yourself and getting yourself better and staying better and enjoy your life.
He said: Thanks for your reply

And that was that. He is lying when he said he didn't know why my aunt had been texting. He did know! Also when he didn't like what I said he cut it off and said thanks for your reply

I asked questions because I genuinely didn’t understand why you were angry with your mother.

I suggested therapy, not as a punishment or because you are lacking, But because it would be hard to hear that somebody who is supposed to love you and who had abandoned you who is now reaching out via other people to get you to be his care of her. There would be killed with that for most people, and I was thinking a therapist could help you sort it out. You said yourself that your head was mashed. I was not trying to be unkind.

I was however a little sarcastic with gonegirl and her suggestion that young people Should be the ones reaching out to older people because they might die soon, and not vice versa. I find that a ridiculous statement.

Sorry I got mixed up with posts

Ohhps sorry I did not think you were being sarcastic Jcxx

Bridget: I did not say summerlove was being sarcastic. Summerlove said it to me !

I wouldn’t blame your mum here. She, I assume, hasn’t had contact with this man who up and left her to raise two children alone in decades. I’d probably also ignore it. She’s not a messenger. Anyone who wanted to speak to you directly first was free to do so. She doesn’t have to put herself through whatever happened again after all this time.

Any decision you make has to be your own.
But personally i agree with Pp. he was a jerk 20 years ago when he left you. He didn’t care about you or your life but now he needs something suddenly he’s released his flying monkeys on you.

Everything you are and have today was achieved without him. What positives would he bring to your life?
What can he give? How can he make up for what he has already done?

Some people don’t have many years left on the clock. And that’s not always a bad thing.

Just shows how easy for words to be interrupted or misinterpreted especially when we don’t know each other & we don’t have visual clues .

Sorry but I cannot see how Summerlove was being sarcastic.?

Summerlove your post of Sun 23-Jun-19 23:33:42. Why so sarcastic?

That sounds like my ex. He estranged himself from our daughter by his behaviour. I know nothing about his situation, nor do I want to. Our son may be in touch with him.
My sister-in-law has nearly always tried to see the best in he brother, but he has behaved badly to her too, so she too has given up.
If I did know something, I might tell my daughter, but I am pretty certain she would do nothing about it. She has more sense.

Summerlove: I have asked for people's opinions. After reading what you have to say please stop. You have repeated yourself over and over with nonsense. Just because I've asked for opinions does not in anyway mean I need a therapist.

No atheist in a foxhole etc
This is just a strategy, tactics, he wants to draw you in because he needs you now but when you needed him he didn't want to know
It's all about his needs, in his mind you are there to serve them

Any port in a storm...

Ok, so you were angry your aunt told you, and angry your mother didn’t tell you.

I say this kindly, but it might be time to look into a therapist to help you sort out your justifiably mixed up emotions.

I wish you luck

BradfordLass has just written exactly what I would say.
If you were not needed or wanted in the last 20+ years but now you are, smacks of needing a carer.

I can understand how you feel so angry and upset that you have been left out of the loop. Then your aunt pressurising you to contact your dad. This is all very raw and things will calm down. Don't make contact if you feel it would have a negative impact, going by your past experience. Sometimes it is better to let things go. After all your aunt had not felt the need to get in touch for over two decades. I suspect that you are right and she wants you to share the responsibility. Perhaps talk things through with your mum, an honest and open conversation may clear the air.

Jcxx Here's my 2 cents worth.

It sounds as if this elderly guy, who hasn't cared about anyone but himself for 21 years, now wants someone to take care of him - and you're the next on on the list after auntie and Mam, neither of whom, quite justifiably wants anything to do with him.

There may be shared DNA but this man isn't your father and has chosen not to be your father until he's in dire straights.

If I were in your shoes I would not be swayed by sob stories from him or anyone else.
Mam has the right idea, he's the past and hasn't earned your respect, your care or your attention.

He's just a selfish, narcissistic old man and they never change. He's absolutely NOT your responsibility. Don't be sucked in.