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Confused! Family & Estrangement

(59 Posts)
Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 12:39:20

On Wednesday my Mam was visiting us, we had a meal then I noticed a message on my phone. It was from my auntie who I haven't seen in 21 years asking if I knew that my Dad had had major surgery. My Dad is estranged and has not bothered for years. I was absolutely gobsmacked not only because of the message I had just got but because my Mam knew all about it & had known for over a week and has not said a thing. She says she doesn't have or want anything to do with him and they were divorced years ago.
I had to get away from my Mam as I couldn't believe it, I couldn't speak or anything, she was then in denial trying to turn and put things on me.
I just don't understand any of it!!
I then after some time messaged my auntie back. Saying that I didn't know and hope he is ok etc etc. The messages from her went on and on. Basically her trying to get me to go and see him and explaining all the in depth surgery and even offering to pay my trainfare. It came across as though she wanted me there to be there to stay with him cos she didn't want to. Trying to put me on a guilt trip. I said to her that I haven't heard or seen anything from him for years. He hasn't let me know anything about this surgery at all either. She said I need to put things right because he wants to and I explained that there isn't anything to put right. That he never has been interested in me or my kids for a long time and became estranged. I felt I had to keep repeating what I said over and over as she asking the same thing even though I had answered her. Then the things she was saying that apparently he had told her to text where lies and I've heard it all before. She kept messaging and phoning and I tried to ignore it but in the end I started getting pissed off and I just said sorry but it's all aload of bollocks. Then she changed her tune and started to say your dad could have died and you clearly don't want to put things right he does. He has admitted he should have done more and is now trying to make it right. I said I always did 99% then I stopped. Then she said if I don't want to make the effort that's up to me but he does. I said he is no part of our life and that was his choice years ago. My auntie then tried to make out I was stupid and naive then she said at least I can't say he hasn't bothered..the cheek!! I ended up telling her to give it a rest and that she has no clue she wrote I find you very disrespectful and I said I just keep it real.
I have been the last person to know about this last surgery. My Mam has kept things from me but still visited me and me her. Then all this from me dad and aunties side. My head is mashed!!
My dad being estranged is one thing then him having surgery is another my auntie has put the two things together.
I don't understand any of them my Mam?? And My dad, auntie?? Does anyone else.. All honesty appreciated thanks

luluaugust Sun 23-Jun-19 12:58:52

Goodness what a tangled web!. I wonder if your mum was trying to protect you from something she knew you wouldn't want to be involved with after decades of no contact. How on earth did your aunt get your phone number? and what were her motives for calling you, you could be right about trying to pass responsibility to you. If you had only recently lost contact it might be different but why not stop replying to messages if you want to.

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 13:04:59

My aunt contacted me through messenger on Facebook. I don't understand what her motives are. Also the messages have now stopped but I'm left feeling like this

Grammaretto Sun 23-Jun-19 13:10:22

How hurtful and shocking for you.
I am so sorry.
I can sort of see how it's happened. Auntie thinks he could be dying and wants to see you but going on about making peace etc sounds as if she is suffering and would like some support.
I think once things are settled a bit and your nerves revive,, you could write to her and possibly to him too, and explain that it's too late for reconciliation now. He has left it too late but that you wish him no ill will,
That's how I see it.

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 13:17:33

I thought that but my aunt only contacted me after his surgery, after he was out of ICU, A week and a half after surgery. My Dad who is also estranged from my sister had text me sister and told her before hand.

janeainsworth Sun 23-Jun-19 13:49:43

Jcxx I don’t know why your dad would have messaged your sister and not you.
But in your position, I would say to Auntie that if your Dad wants to contact you, he must contact you himself. That is the least he could do.
But you need to think about how you would feel if he does contact you. Would it resolve anything for you, or would it merely inflame old wounds?
Don’t think about him. Protect yourself. flowers

GabriellaG54 Sun 23-Jun-19 14:03:16

After 21 years, how did your Auntie know your mobile number?

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 14:06:13

She had contacted me through messenger on facebook

Tansy Sun 23-Jun-19 14:12:00

I don't understand why you're upset with your Mum. She divorced him and all his problems years ago. I don't see why it should be her responsibility to pass news on about him to you.

And if you're upset with your Mum, why not your sister too, or your Dad, or your auntie? They all knew beforehand and they're all related to him.

I feel it's unfair to blame your Mum.

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 14:15:22

I am upset and confused with with all of them not just my mam

Summerlove Sun 23-Jun-19 14:39:33

But why your mother at all?

She knows you are estranged. Why would she bring up something to upset you that you likely wouldn’t want to know about?

You’re angry that you’re on it told you, and you were angry that your mother didn’t.

I think you need to take a few steps back and reflect about what you are actually angry about.

sharon103 Sun 23-Jun-19 14:39:51

It's the same old story ( as it is in my household) Ex husband didn't want to know my 3 Adult children when they were growing up and now he's getting older, 65 and has health problems and had operations and lived on his own for a good few years, he has hoped they now want to reconcile with him. My daughter sees him now and again. My two sons don't want anything to do with him. I leave them to it and tell them they do what they want to do. They're not children anymore and we've had enough stress and upset from him to last a lifetime although he had moved away for years. He's only living about 5 miles away from us now.
Getting back to you, I am thinking that your mum didn't tell you because she was protecting you and herself from raking up the past. I guess she doesn't want to hear about him again and I can understand that believe me.
It's got nothing to do with auntie either. She chose to tell you about your dad and she should have left it at that.
Just leave it be if that's what you want to do. It's your choice. Can you ever get back to what it used to be like with your dad years ago and the love you had? I doubt it. There's to much water gone under the bridge.
If it were me, I wouldn't bring the subject up again to your mum. Don't be harsh with her. The past has come back to haunt her. I really can understand her feelings and just tell auntie to back off in a polite way. Don't feel guilty should you not want to see dad again. He made his own bed and now he must lie in it as the saying goes. I hope all goes well for you

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 14:56:34

I don't see or talk to my aunt. But I do talk and see and spent time with my mam

Avor2 Sun 23-Jun-19 15:20:16

If he is so desperate to see you he should make the running, not your aunt. He contacted your sister, did she react, has she met up with him since then? Leave well alone, if you aren't interested in seeing him just ignore, but if he contacts you himself will that make a difference to you? Families eh! you have managed so far without him !!

agnurse Sun 23-Jun-19 16:14:45

I agree with the PPs - where is your dad in all of this? He's out of ICU. Meaning he is on the floor. Meaning he is likely able to send you a text or call.

A sick jerk is still a jerk. I wouldn't be hopeful that this "desired" reconciliation would go very far.

love0c Sun 23-Jun-19 19:17:48

Jcxx, so sorry for how you must be feeling. The confusion of feelings coupled with your emotions. My advice is to sit and think how you feel. Forget your mum and her not telling you, forget your auntie and what she has said. Think only of how you feel about whether you want to see your dad and see how he feels. Whether he is actually sorry and whether you are interested in whether he is sorry or not. A hard thing to do for you. But you must separate everybody else from how you want your relationship with your dad to go from here. I hope you make the right decision for you. Wishing you love through all this.

mumofmadboys Sun 23-Jun-19 20:05:00

Could you go and see him for a brief visit and see how it goes? You may regret not seeing him if anything happens to him. There are two sides to every story. Maybe you can both make amends and have some sort of ongoing relationship. He has obviously hurt you badly but you may feel more at peace with it all if you saw him. Wishing you well.

Gonegirl Sun 23-Jun-19 20:09:01

If your dad, however much estranged, is getting on in age, and has had major surgery, are you sure you wouldn't like to be kind and contact him? Maybe his sister realises how hurt he feels about the whole thing. Have you really got anything to lose by contacting him?

Gonegirl Sun 23-Jun-19 20:10:07

A sick jerk is still a jerk


Gonegirl Sun 23-Jun-19 20:10:42

The young should reach out to the old.

Summerlove Sun 23-Jun-19 20:14:21

Why do the young need to reach out?

In a HEALTHY relationship both. should reach out.

This poster does not have a healthy relationship with her father.

Gonegirl Sun 23-Jun-19 20:18:36

Old people may not have long to live.

That's all.

silverlining48 Sun 23-Jun-19 20:20:49

I think I might be a bit wary, certainly if he has contacted your sister he could and should, if he wants to see you, contact you himself. It’s strange his sister has been in touch on his behalf after so many years.
Think carefully whether you want anything to do with him. Just because he is your birth father but hasn’t been a good one means you don’t have to do anything other than what you want, and if you don’t want, you need do nothing.

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 21:21:52

Reply to gone girl:I would lose my sanity, my peace and alot more. I have tried years ago his energy, his attitude, everything is off

Jcxx Sun 23-Jun-19 21:27:46

Gone girl: I'm being kind to myself, I feel alot of narcissistic games go on