Empty Nest

Hi Minniemoo,

It’s early days for you plus losing your Mum as well it is a lot of grieve to deal with and even though we know that they will leave home it is still hard, no matter how busy you are or how many hobbies you have, everyone is different in how much support they have as well. You sound a great Mum and your daughter also. I reckon your daughter will be missing you just as much and will come to you with all sorts of things for support. My only child my daughter left home three and a half years ago three hours away and my Mam died the two weeks after she left. I feel less grieve than I did but it has been a long road to recovery. Luckily like your daughter she keeps in touch and our relationship is great like it sounds yours is. We always miss them and some days are better than others, I’ve joined a support group to chat to other like minded people about it as it helps knowing I’m not crazy missing her as it’s hard to discuss it with people as we all know it’s what they are meant to do but sometimes we have other things to deal with at the same time and need a little help or someone to chat to. Remember you’ve done a good job ??

I hate to be cynical but your daughter certainly had a plan. ?
Of course she's really happy that you moved as it fits in with her having you as a babysitter.
I hope it works out for you but I won't be surprised if at some time in the future, you feel put upon and tired and it escalates to overnights and school holidays etc.
I'm sure you've read lots of posts on the subject but in case you haven't, I assure you, it's not all a bed of roses though you may, at the outset, beg to differ.
Once committed, it's very hard to withdraw.
Best wishes

My 5 all left to work in different areas when they were 16, in fact, one was 15 3/4.
Of course I cried and mourned, still mourn on the odd occasion and laugh when we meet and cry when we part.
Mothers are irrevocably entwined with their children no matter what they say or do. It's an unbreakable connection.
Be glad that your DD is standing on her own two feet instead of getting under yours.
It's a job well done when they fly.

I'm with Hetty et al - no empty nest issues here, glad they are all making their way in the world and I can live my life as I please, selfish moi ?
I do sympathise with those people who struggle with this but there is so much to do out there in the big wide world so enjoy.

Don't be too hard on yourself you have had some big changes and its bound to take time to adjust. My son was the last to go off to Uni 23 years ago now, at the time I wondered if anyone would come home and over the next few years there was a lot of coming and going. Gradually they all settled and the GC started to arrive, by then I had found some new interests and friends. Now I miss the DGC as they go off to Uni and grow up quickly, its life!

I’m very lucky because I also have a daughter ,she is the eldest & always includes her Dad & I ,I often have a day out with her & my granddaughter, so I count myself very lucky.

My three boys all left on the same day & moved into a flat together,I was absolutely heartbroken & every time I went upstairs to clean their bedrooms I just couldn’t stop crying when I looked round & all their stuff was gone.Think this lasted for about 6 months but gradually I got use to it.......they are all married with families now & all live within a 5 mile radius of us so see them all at least once a week.I would struggle to have them back to live now because I’m older & it’s hard work looking after a family but I love it when they they all come to visit or we have a family barbecue.

Reading through this with interest, it’s imminent for me too.
Although I do have my OH I fear for us / me .
I’m the home bod he gets off out and about more than I do I have the dogs but.... two of ours are due to go at he same time well three if you count a partner. They’ve all been saving to buy and it seems it’s all happening at the same time.

Yes I've been here too.My son left to go travelling for a year, I was devastated, i found evening meal times worse as this was the time we sat down and chatted. I coped by doing more hours at work, and seeing friends more. He came back after 6 months, lived at home for another 5 years, and at 30 left to set up home with his girlfriend, by which time I was more than ready for him to leave.Be happy that you can see your daughter very regularly, it could be a lot worse.Be happy

DD will go to uni in a few months. She is my only child. I am dreading it. I am looking around for ideas of how to fill the void so that I remain an interesting and interested person but struggling to find anything that fires me up with enthusiasm. I have loved every part of being a Mum and whilst I know I will always be her Mum, I realise that my life is going to change a great deal.

‘Empty arms syndrome’ - dead right! We’ve just come back from a week with older son and his family - who live a plane ride away - and missing the daily contact very much at the moment!

I found myself hugging my son and saying I really missed him - I’ve done the stoical, stiff upper lip, like my mum and dad did with us, but sometimes I think they need to know!

Minniemoo, I am heading for that very shortly. I've been a Mum for 35 years and my last child is waiting for his exam results to see which Uni he is heading to in the Autumn. Although I will still have my grandchildren around who need my help, it won't be the same. I love having my child in the house and although I adore my husband, seeing life through a young person's eyes is invigorating in some ways. I know I will get through it, adjust to life without him and find new ways to spend my time but his leaving will start a grieving process that I have to go through to get to the other side.

Its tough....I amost felt bereaved when my youngest daughter left home....my parents died then 4 years of each other and then its coming up to 2 yrs since my husband suddenly died.
I now volunteer for 3 brilliant causes and see my family when they have time....my dog is my liason with new and existing doggie friends...4 and 2 paws?
Being busy with purpose is my way and it works for me most days.
Hope you find your niche ....keep smiling.....great therapy.

You are entering a new chapter in your life, which can be wonderful. I was widowed at 54, had to learn to live life on my own. 13 years on I have lots of new friends, and go on holiday several times a year. I'd suggest starting by staying at a singles hotel in Crete, the Mistral at Maleme. Lots of really positive people, lovely rooms, spotlessly clean, the freshest food (they have awards!). Do it once and you will never look back. Find the new you.

My 4 are all within an hour's drive but I see less and less of them as gcs grow up. For me the emptying of the nest has been gradual. We all keep in touch and have gatherings. I spend time now with a friend who had had a stroke. Transferring skills!

hetty58 - I'm with you too! I enjoyed bring our three up and gave it my all. We have helped out and still do with the GC but I so enjoy the freedom we have now.

I have never suffered from empty nest syndrome, I was just 44 when the last one left home.

It is hard. DH and i have only got one child. Just before he was due to start University, DH and i were out for the evening in his university city and we decided to drive past the flat he was going to be moving in to, as we hadn't seen it. I cried all the way home. And he was only moving 20 mins from home! Daft. I'm sure you are still mourning the loss of your mum. Huge amount of change and upset for you. Only thing I can say is that hopefully the future will bring an ever increasing family for you, with more grandchildren. And you sound very close to your daughter so I'm sure that close relationship will continue even if the shape of that changes. So hang in there and hopefully things will get easier.

It is somehow harder when the youngest leaves. We had spent far more time together as there was only her left at home but like all sad events we come to terms with it in the end.

absent my youngest did exactly the same 15 years ago and they married and half my grandchildren are out there. They struggle to survive financially so I see them rarely now that I am too infirm to make the journey and it costs a bomb to bring the whole family over here.

But the other grandchildren are over here and very much part of my life so I count myself blessed.

I can sympathize too. I felt oddly bereft when my daughter went to university even though her brothers were still at home, and I was ridiculously upset when she went to America for two years. Now they are 260 miles away, with our first grandchild, which is sad in some ways but as I don't want to provide childcare it's maybe for the best! Our youngest son left to get married in 2017 and a few months later my mother moved into (supposedly) sheltered accommodation down the road; I have found the sudden swap from being a parent to being an unofficial carer for a very demanding parent (with whom I have never got on well) very difficult. Our boys keep in touch regularly but prefer to use smartphones to do so, which I don't need for general use, so I miss out a bit, but that's my fault.

As Grammaretto says, when our children leave and lead successful independent lives it shows that we have done a good job of bringing them up, though of course it can be emotionally painful too. I think one has to try to build friendships with people of all ages, through work or community involvement, local groups, etc., and remember that you were never justa mother.

Your reaction is normal. The thing is that life continues to advance. Boring, I know but that's the top and bottom of it. You will soon evolve phone and internet contact. Whatsapp is the best form of contact.. you get free calls and video calls and photos and comments to and fro are instant. Of course, I am assuming you have a Smart Phone? If not get one. open up the world.

It is hard, but just take one day at a time and fill your life up as much as you can. I live next door to DD in a granny annexe but am very respectful of their space. I am lucky with lots of friends, we walk, lunch, shows in London, singles holidays, plus I do casual work invigilating in exams. I’ve made a bucket list and am working my way thro it and even adding more bits as I go ....just enjoy your life and be proud of the confidence you have instilled in your AC.

You are so blessed to have a home of your own & a home to spare
It’s a lot harder for those of us who are single renting & no collateral to use

I'm with you Hetty. I have done my bit and still doing, with the grandchildren. So it's real Heaven when I have a day to myself. Like today. My visitors from abroad have gone to west Wales for a week. 2 sets of grandchildren are on holiday . Saw daughter and children yesterday. So got today, to do whatever I want. Yaaaaaay !!!

Opalsusanna1 it's all the same conversation