Empty Nest

I think a lot of us know how you feel.

My eldest son left home at 25, moved in 3 doors up the road! He moved a couple of times, never more than 2 miles away. We see him every week.

2nd son left at the age of 28, about 2 miles away. He then split with his girlfriend, moved into a place of his own, a mile from home. We see him every fortnight.

When you've had a very close relationship with adult children, it's natural to feel lost when they go. Are you on your own, or have you got a husband/partner?

I think the death of your mum probably has something to do with the way you're feeling. My mum died when I was 36 (I'm 60 now, she was 72 then). For me, it was the end of a time in my life when things were certain and safe.

I can only suggest perhaps you could meet up with/ring friends who may have experienced the same situation, and do things to keep occupied. Your role as a mum hasn't gone, it's just changed. Your daughter will always need you.

The only advice I’ve got and it’s probably not much help is to accept it’s ok to feel sad and tell yourself these feelings get easier as time passes. I’ve got three. The last one left about 15 years ago, I missed each one but eventually readjust. I wouldn’t want them back now. (I’d have them back on temporary basis in a crisis) I often feel the same when they visit. Its lovely to see them but after the initial pang at saying goodbye I’m often glad they’ve gone. ? don’t tell them.

How do you feel when your other son is going home?

My sons left home 20+ years ago. One lives in my city with his family and I see him often. My youngest son visits with his wife from 2 hours away. After visiting for the weekend and he leaves to go back home, it feels like a part of me is being yanked away. I could cry all day at the loss of not seeing him more regularly. We have excellent phone and texting communication but still my heart cries. I cry. He is 36 and hasn't lived in the same house as me for 20 years. I'm a single senior.
What is wrong with me??? Why am I not long over this?? I do have a life and things going on. After a few days I settle but I cannot even think of him going back home on the day he leaves. My heart aches with sorrow.

Thanks sodapop, I think I do!

And you deserve every minute of it Hetty58 enjoy.

Yellowmellow and Tooyoungtobeagrandma, I think we are the lucky ones. It must be tough to permanently miss your children. To be content and happy with your present life is perfect and visits from the family are just a bonus (the icing on the cake).

The low times in my life were caring for a terminally ill husband and four kids, grieving and adjusting. A few years later, kids grown another tough time of eight people at home (me, four kids, a girlfriend, a boyfriend and a baby grandson) while lecturing/tutoring full time - and trying to be Superwoman.

My daughter was unwell so the baby was 'mine' when I got home. I remember sitting up at 2 am marking work with him on my shoulder, not enough sleep. I cut my working hours and somehow we managed.

Now, life is a blissful, simple, peaceful dream!

I must be an aweful parent, I dont miss mine at all! If they message or visit it is lovely but, I really dont feel upset that theyve left home. The only upset has been caused by a spiteful dil and we just ignore. I am happy on my own (good job as oh is a selfish tight old git) & sometimes wush it was just t me and the dog. I spent nearly 40years caring for others and now want to be a little selfish and just care for me. Glad my kids have made their way in life, love em but dont miss em

I agree whole heartedly with both your posts Hetty 58. Doesn't mean you love your family any less but we all know our children aren't going to stay forever.

I get renewed empty nest syndrome every time my son comes home for a visit and then goes away again.

Pathetic innit?

Minniemoo and sodapop, just to say that I love my children and grandchildren very much. However, I consider my caring duties near enough over and done with. Of course, if they need to stay here they are welcome - on a temporary basis! It's so good to graduate from parenthood (first class with honours, naturally) and have the time and energy for new aspects of your own life. Sometimes I'm told off for not phoning them but they always miss me before I miss them!

Hetty58 You are a woman after my own heart. Think we are in the minority though.

Hetty! Thank you again to all. And Gmarie, thank you so much for that lovely message. It struck many a chord with me. And a big hug back to you from the UK!

20 yrs ago my husband of 18 years told me that he was leaving me for another woman and ta few, short months later I found out my mom was dying. I had mom to care for and my sons to raise so the grief and emptiness fell upon me in great, smashing waves in between my responsibilities. I had to focus on my kids, though. 9 years ago my dog died and my youngest, 21 at the time, moved out within a week's time. I can't say it was worse in terms of pain but the feeling of sadness and loss was more pervasive in my daily life and thoughts.

The losses seem to compound and I felt alone and stripped of what used to define me the most. That constant emptiness was what got to me. Love my kids the same, of course, but got along the best with the youngest. Loved, loved, loved having his energy and sweet face around the house. That, and the fact that he was the last one to go, made it harder to cope with for awhile.

Over time, it just gradually felt more natural to have them visit and at some point it became fun and exciting to get into new things. I literally had to reach back and remember that I was an individual on my own with dreams and interests before being a wife or mom. I actually feel better now than ever because I'm retired, I get to decide what I want to do every single day, and I get to have my lovely sons and their wives and girlfriends around whenever it works for everyone. As I said, it just took a bit of time.

Giving you a big hug from the US!

I just remember breathing a sigh of relief when they went. Three have come back temporarily at times and got on my nerves.

They left, they came back, they left again; they built their own nests and hatched their own chicks. What's not to like?

It took me along time to get over "empty nest " I realised that i needed new interests and a new routine.I adore living alone,i know that when i walk through the door it`s going to be peaceful and everything is where i left it.I sometimes worry they might have relationship breakdowns and want to move back!

I, too, suffered that loss of youngest one going four years ago. Now I have to pick him up tomorrow from university. He’s back here. We will both find it odd.

I feel dreadful saying this, but one of mine has returned home following a relationship breakdown, and I actually resent him being here.

I bawled like a baby when the last one moved out, but I've gradually got used to it just being my husband and I at home, and having the freedom to just do as we please etc.

My son isn't intrusive in any way, and he doesn't expect me/us to cook for him etc, but he's just "there".

No matter how much I love him, I'm looking forward to the day that he finds himself somewhere else to live again.

Daughter lives round the corner and we saw a lot of them as our grandchildren were growing up. We collected them from school regularly and babysat evenings and long weekends so they could go away with friends. Now that the GC are in their late teens we hardly see them. The empty nest has really hit us. I feel a bit used and I feel my daughter has forgotten all we did for her. She never had to pay for any babysitting and she could carry on with her job the whole time.

My other daughter lives a distance away and is always very grateful for any opportunity we get to help look after the GC.

As mentioned before, it’s the start of a new phase, and an exciting one really, but it doesn’t always feel like that. When our children were growing up we tried hard to ensure they became independent and could look after themselves as adults, one is now married and the other lives abroad, both happy but sometimes I feel as though I shot myself in the foot!! Growing up and flying the nest is what should happen, and I console myself that they are both independent adults, and also remind myself that the alternative is that we would have two 40 year old children living with us and that would not be good for them ( or us!) Keep smiling and remind yourself you have done your job ??

Hi all and many thanks for all the helpful advice and sympathy as well! It has taken me by surprise and I do lead quite an active life. Took early retirement last year and we do a fair amount of travelling. Got plenty of friends who lunch etc etc. And a fabulous patient husband! And yes, to whoever mentioned smartphones. I do have one. Whatsapp is indeed a great way to keep in touch. It is indeed a transition and it all changes and I just have to adapt which I'm sure I will. I manage to wave goodbye to her without tears when she heads back. Funny thing is I was a total wild child. Left my parents home at 17 and went on to live in the Canary Islands causing all sorts of stress to my parents! No contact for months. I'd phone every now and then just to let them know I was still alive. My three have all been quiet in comparison. And as Kwest says, thank goodness I have my husband. I too have friends who are alone, alone when their sprogs have taken off so I must count my blessings. And of course I have my lovely dog Many thanks again to all who've commented. You've been a great help. It's just nice to be able to discuss these things. as Guineagirl has said. My RL friends would be amazed if they knew that I'd been struggling as I haven't told a soul really! Also many thanks to Magmar. I've never heard of U3A but it sounds interesting. Thanks again to all

I love being just with my husband after bringing up our son and daughter. We love them both, their spouses and their children more than I can say. However, this is the time to rediscover how much you like being with each other again.
I silently give thanks every morning that we are lucky enough to share another day together. Not that we live in each other's pockets , we both have busy fulfilling lives. Some of my friends have lost their partners or husbands and I am so grateful that we still have each other.
We encourage our children to make time for their spouses
amid the hard work of parenting.

May I suggest you join your local U3A (University of the Third Age) - so much to do, from Reading Groups to language classes, holidays, walking and discussion groups and many more activities. There is bound to be something to get you out and about, meeting lovely likeminded people. You’ll be surprised how many members are also “Empty Nesters”!

My 15:48 post was to Greta8