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Katyj Sun 14-Jul-19 18:06:50

Hi, can you settle an argument here, Dh and me arguing constantly about this at the moment. We moved house three weeks ago, still lots to do , we'll be having lots of tradesmen in over the next few weeks.Two sets of friends have already visited us, no problem it was lovely to see them, but dh brother and wife have asked twice to call in, the first time we were out, the second time dh said no, he didn't want them coming as we were in such a mess, I really can't understand this at all, surley it doesn't matter, not to me anyway.I can't get my head around this, it seems very precious of him, not to want them here.I've said next time they ask, which will probably next week I'm going to tell them the truth. What do you think?

KatyK Sun 14-Jul-19 18:10:30

I always think those who matter won't mind and those who will mind don't matter. I'd have them come.

SpringyChicken Sun 14-Jul-19 18:32:59

Have them round, they only want a cuppa and look around. What does it matter if there's mess? Everyone understands.

sharon103 Sun 14-Jul-19 18:33:14

Mmm I can see hubby's point of view and on the other side I can see your's. You don't mind people seeing the house the way it is at the moment, in a mess and hubby would rather them see it in it's full glory when all the work has been done. I would be the latter. Maybe he's still stressed having moved house and worn out and just wants a bit of peace at the moment before the tradesmen start. Some can cope with upheaval more than others.

BlueBelle Sun 14-Jul-19 19:45:57

People who matter won’t expect anything else as you ve only just moved It might be months before you have it in perfect glory, what the heck let them in it’s daft not to

petra Sun 14-Jul-19 20:12:14

If we had waited until everything was done we wouldn't have any friends left to visit us. Having said that many of them did give a hand.
New kitchen
New bathroom
New windows
Bifold doors to to garden
Floor in conservatory raised to match other rooms.
Boiler moved and central heating put in conservatory.
New glass doors between sitting room and conservatory.
All wooden fixtures taken back to original.
See what I mean 😀

Septimia Sun 14-Jul-19 20:16:12

KatyK, you've hit the nail on the head and it looks like others generally agree. After all, if they see the mess now, they'll see the improvement when you've got everything sorted out.

M0nica Sun 14-Jul-19 20:40:43

I think you BiL and wife would becoming knowing that you wouldn't have sorted out and everything would still be untidy. Presumably they have seen yyour furniture and house contents before, what they want to see is the house itself, its situation and the neighbourhood.

GabriellaG54 Sun 14-Jul-19 21:11:48

Why can't people wait until they're invited instead of asking to visit?
I think it's rude to keep asking when they must know things are topsy turvy.
And before you start tut-tutting, think how many of you tidy round vacuum and clean the bathroom and kitchen when family or friends visit.

Norah Sun 14-Jul-19 21:15:45

Its not polite to invite yourself, wait to be invited.

Norah Sun 14-Jul-19 21:16:56

DH brother is his brother, right?

Summerlove Sun 14-Jul-19 21:24:13

It’s your husbands brother
Husband isn’t interested.

Why do people wanting to visit trump the wishes of one of the houses inhabitants?

Unless this is a constant battle, (in which case you have larger issues) I wouldn’t disrespect my partner by inviting people when he’s not ready.

Namsnanny Sun 14-Jul-19 21:33:57

I agree with KatyK and Gabriella!! grin

We had a house warming party the 2nd week we moved in when building work was on going and nothing but dust everywhere!!
I just thought well, they will all see it when its finished no doubt, so what does it matter if they see it before?

I do wonder if this hasn't touched on a sore spot with your husband?
Does he value his brothers opinion of him a little too much do you think?
Maybe he needs to impress him more than you realised?

paddyann Sun 14-Jul-19 21:59:30

People take us as they find us,I'm always happy to see visitors especially family.My door is literally always open ,not locked unless we;re out or in bed and most people who know us well knock and walk in .They know there might be a basket of things on the stairs to take up or newspapers and magazines on the coffee table they also know I'll put the kettle on and sit down with them as soon as they come in Or this weeks new developement with the kittens having to stack the kitchen chairs in the utility room to stop them ripping into them .If they only come when everythings clean and neat and pristine then they dont know me and they aren't really friends.Isn't it good we're all different

paddyann Sun 14-Jul-19 22:02:09

EVEN with this weeks new developement

lemongrove Sun 14-Jul-19 22:46:40

katy if the visits are just for a look round, a chat and tea and biscuits then I agree with you, if they involve staying the night/meals made etc then I agree with your DH.
Either way, it’s his brother, so I suppose he gets to choose.

Anja Sun 14-Jul-19 22:51:35

Good for you Katyj it’s an attitude of mind. You’re either a welcoming person or not and many get less welcoming as they age.

Eloethan Sun 14-Jul-19 23:43:14

katyj Perhaps it's an element of competitiveness on your husband's part. He wants his brother to see the house when it's all shipshape.

I don't have any siblings but I feel if I did I would be delighted for them to come round. Surely, formal invitations shouldn't be needed with close family? Unless they are turning up every other day, of course.

I agree with you. I think it is hurtful for your husband to keep putting his brother off.

chelseababy Mon 15-Jul-19 05:25:17

His brother, his decision.

BradfordLass72 Mon 15-Jul-19 05:53:58

If you usually have a good, close relationship with your DHs family, does he really want to jeopardise this by making them feel unwelcome?

Is he OCD?
Would it make him feel genuinely and terribly embarrassed to have his brother there? To the point where it would be psychologically hurtful?
If so, then make allowances.

If he simply thinks appearances are more important than his brother's feelings, then that's truly a shame.

Katyj Mon 15-Jul-19 06:24:26

Oh lots to think about .Gabriella and Nora I think you both have a point, I would have waited,maybe about a month before asking to visit.This dbil didn't ask last time, and came to visit the day after we'd moved in, Dh wasn't impressed then.They always text first because it's a 30 minutes drive.Eloethan I think you may have something there about competiveness, I haven't any siblings, so find it hard to understand, but both brothers are very different, my DH finds his brother very ocd in his ways, their house is always pristine and looks quite staged, which we laugh about.Ours is always clean and tidy, but not in the same way, as we have grandchildren and friends in and out.Dh said if the boot was on the other foot we wouldn't be welcome in their home for 6 months!
It's a strange one, it's taken me my surprise it isn't often we disagree, were normally on the same page.I'll wait and see next time they text, see if dh has changed his mind.

Summerlove Mon 15-Jul-19 14:52:11

Bradfordlass, I can’t imagine worrying about hurting uninvited guest feelings more so than my husbands.

Why are everybody’s feelings other than husbands more important in this case?

Eloethan Mon 15-Jul-19 23:29:41

Well if you think it's OK Summerlove to make friends welcome in your home, despite it not being that presentable, but keep putting off a close family member, I don't.

You seem to be implying that katyj cares more about other people's feelings than her husband's. I see it differently. It's quite possible that she fears her husband's relationship with his brother may be damaged by this behaviour, and that, in the long run, it would cause him unhappiness and make the whole family dynamic uneasy.

Summerlove Tue 16-Jul-19 02:32:49

Eloethan, I was actually commenting more on other posters saying that the brother in law should be invited over. However, if Katy goes ahead and invites him before her husband is ready, than sure.

The relationship between brothers is between them. It’s up to them to manage. My husband manages his relationships, I manage mine. Does everyone else manage their husbands relationships for them?

jaylucy Tue 16-Jul-19 10:49:23

It's probably a different thing to your DH if it's his family members !
I can remember my mum- if it was my dad's family visiting, that was fine - the house was tidied and the everyday crockery was used. But if it was her family, we had to virtually spring clean the house (including the rooms they wouldn't see, such as the bedrooms) and the best china was brought out - no idea why ! Maybe it was pride and she wanted her family to see how well she was getting on as we so rarely saw them !