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I am so upset...

(25 Posts)
Quizzer Fri 09-Aug-19 22:16:28

A friend, who has problems with depression, has accused me of insulting her intelligence and has backed out of a joint project.
The comment that she objects too was not directed at her and was in fact a joke. I am desperately sad that I have upset her even unintentionally. However she is now telling all our common acquaintances how horrible I have been. I have apologised and explained that it was not her I was talking about.
Her response was that it was too late to take my comment back.
I now can't face anyone as I think they will all think I am such a b***h.

Tangerine Fri 09-Aug-19 22:19:35

You have apologised. It took courage to do that.

I admit I don't know the full circumstances of what happened because I only know what you have written but, on the face of it, I feel she should accept your apology.

Someone apologised to me over something several years ago and I accepted her apology and have never referred to the incident again. We all say ill-advised things sometimes and I am no saint.

Namsnanny Fri 09-Aug-19 22:27:03

Quzzer..I cant find anything better than Tangerine's post to say to you.

Just wanted to send you some flowers. Maybe things will improve given time.

The project you refer to, can it go ahead without her if she has pulled out?

Namsnanny Fri 09-Aug-19 22:28:15

Sorry Quizzer!

SirChenjin Fri 09-Aug-19 22:33:15

I bet they won’t think that at all - it’s more likely that they’ll think it very sad that you’ve had a fallout but won’t want to get involved.
You’ve apologised and unfortunately that’s all you can do at this stage - we all say things we regret. I hope it blows over soon, you sound (understandably) upset thanks

Doodle Fri 09-Aug-19 22:40:57

I know it’s old fashioned in this day and age but why don’t you write her a letter (keep a copy to show anyone who queries what you wrote). A letter takes longer to read than an email or text and maybe seeing your words written down might help her understand. Other than that, all I can say is that if she is suffering from depression she may not be thinking rationally at the moment. You are sorry. That’s all you can do.

sodapop Sat 10-Aug-19 08:22:05

You just have to ride this one out quizzer, you have apologised and explained it was a misunderstanding. Friends who know you will understand so don't make too big an issue of it. Sometimes people who are depressed see hurt where none was intended as their world is unhappy at that time.
Carry on with your project and don't let this spoil things for you.

crazyH Sat 10-Aug-19 08:35:21

I have a tendency to joke and one or two of my family and friends don't seem to get it, but they don't get angry about it. Fine friend you have !!!

fizzers Sat 10-Aug-19 08:35:37

I wonder if she was looking for an excuse to back out of this joint venture? this being the perfect one in her eyes

BlueBelle Sat 10-Aug-19 08:37:08

This is so difficult without knowing the content of the joke (and I understand why you can’t put it on here) it’s hard to see if you were insensitive or if she’s over sensitive but as others have said there’s not a lot you can do either way apart from apologise and explain both of which you have done already
As sodapop says carry on with your project and hopefully it will soon be forgotten

M0nica Sat 10-Aug-19 09:30:45

It is ridiculous of your friend not to accept that the joke was nothing about her. Her response was that it was too late to take my comment back. Why should you, it was nthing to do with her. Does your friend have a history of being over-sensitive over remarks people make? People with depression can be like that and take as a personal knock back the most innocent of irrelevant comments (I say this with feeling)

Your friends presumably are aware of her problems with depression and will treat any comments she makes about you advisedly.

Just get on with life and meet your friends as normal, pulling back and hiding yourself will only make people think that there may be some justice in your friend's comments.

RosieLeah Sat 10-Aug-19 11:36:41

Sorry to say it, but it's possible that your remark/joke has changed her feelings towards you and she no longer wishes to be associated with you. The fact that it was not directed towards her is irrelevant if it revealed a side of your nature which she wasn't aware of.

Nonnie Sat 10-Aug-19 11:40:39

If your common acquaintances don't know you better than that I wouldn't bother with them. I would not take any notice of someone who bitched to me about a friend.

Gonegirl Sat 10-Aug-19 11:41:40

I think we need to know what the comment was, and how it was related to depression. Have you explained to her exactly how it was a only a joke. If the comment was directed at someone else, how do they feel about it?

You need to be 100% sure there was no bitchiness involved in what you said.

Gonegirl Sat 10-Aug-19 11:42:46

In other words, I agree with RosieLeah.

Daisymae Sat 10-Aug-19 13:34:31

I would ignore it and get out and about. It was a misunderstanding, I doubt anyone will mention it but Just say that if they do.

GabriellaG54 Sat 10-Aug-19 21:28:52

Tell your friend that it's impossible to insult something she doesn't possess. winkgrin

Luckygirl Sat 10-Aug-19 22:12:21

People who are depressed do sadly tend to think that negative remarks or outcomes are aimed at them or are in some way their fault. I know I used to do this when I was depressed and I trained myself to have a stern word with myself to the effect that.....e.g maybe someone spoke abruptly for reasons entirely other than me! - maybe they were having a bad hair day and it is nothing I have said or done.

It is likely that your friend is still in that depressed pattern of thinking which makes her take offence easily. So do not blame yourself - just write her a nice letter re-iterating that you did not intend to cause her sadness.

Gonegirl Sat 10-Aug-19 22:21:14

Is that what you would do Gabriella?

H1954 Sat 10-Aug-19 22:29:38

Well, at least you had the grace to apologise! A volunteer colleague of ours upset and offended me some weeks ago, I had to make our manager aware to prevent the issue being repeated at it was a gross breach of our protocol. The manager spoke to the colleague and I'm STILL waiting for an apology! To make matters worse he tried to repeat his actions! This obnoxious, uncouth specimen thinks he is above reproach!

Minniemoo Sat 10-Aug-19 22:44:51

I've been in a situation similar. The only advice I can offer is to try to calm down. It passes. I got myself so het up and was thinking about it all the time. But now I can't even remember what I was upset about.

It's unsettling for you and I hope that it will all 'come out in the wash' as Grandma used to say

Hithere Sun 11-Aug-19 13:24:15

An apology, even if it is accepted, does not lead have to reconciliation. Those are two very different concepts.

An apology must also be worded properly and the person releasing it must accept full responsibility of the actions, otherwise it becomes a fax apology
For example, a common faux apology is "I am sorry your feelings are hurt"
The fact that a misunderstanding is mentioned puts the partial weight of the incident on her side too and may not have sat well on your friend.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Aug-19 13:41:32

I got very upset by a workmate once and I ve never forgotten it A small group of us from work were invited to a colleagues for a meal as I was leaving We had a lovely meal lots of laughter and everyone left on top form in fact this particular lady gave me a lift home and as she was leaving work soon after me, her last words were we ll have to meet up and I replied I d love to
A few weeks later I got an email from her saying she had been very upset by me at the dinner party and didn’t want to hear from me ever again I immediately replied apologised profusely but asking whatever had I said as i wouldn’t have upset her for the world She replied by saying she didn’t want to discuss it and wouldn’t be contacting me again
I was so upset I asked everyone individually did I say anything that could have upset M no one could think of anything and all said what fun we d had and were totally puzzled To our knowledge there had been no topics or anything said that could have been taken the wrong way
To this day I have never heard from her and still have no idea what I could have said
Sometimes it is all in in the mind of the upset person

Tangerine Sun 11-Aug-19 21:40:18

Bluebelle - your workmate sounds very odd.

You're probably well out of that friendship. She sounds the sort to take offence at the least little thing.

I'd never knowingly hurt or upset anyone but I find over-sensitive people, who seem to look to be offended ,rather difficult.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Aug-19 22:58:43

Strange wasn’t it ? A mystery of life she even gave me a lift home and the laughing and good feeling of the evening continued in the car Weirdest thing I ever had happen with no knowledge of what I could have said wrong I wracked my brains for weeks but it was quite passive aggressive of her to keep it a secret so it really was her problem and not my behaviour