Gransnet forums


Is it me ?

(26 Posts)
ninathenana Mon 12-Aug-19 17:07:43

DD has a friend who is in her 30s, single, no children or partner. She has some on going health issues (not life threatening) and is currently suffering a painful flare up which saw her in A&E last week. She has appointment with surgeon beginning of October. Her mum attends all her medical appointments with her including travelling to London 4-5 times a year. Her mum had a personal meeting 1/2 hr drive away and cancelled "incase X needs me and I'm so far away"
Would your DD expect you to drop everything and come running ? Would you be attending all her appointments with her ? DD finds this strange, she would not expect me to cancel arrangements just in case she needed further treatment.
Of course if it was serious I would be there in a flash.

EllanVannin Mon 12-Aug-19 17:22:38

I'd say this has a lot to do with the woman's present " health issues ?".

ninathenana Mon 12-Aug-19 17:31:08

As I say, painful but not serious.

Gonegirl Mon 12-Aug-19 17:33:35

I think it's nice her mum does that.

HurdyGurdy Mon 12-Aug-19 17:34:51

Did your daughter's friend "expect" this from her mother? Or did the mother just want to be there for her daughter and chose to cancel her own appointment to be there for support if needed?

I wouldn't (don't) automatically accompany my daughter to her appointments but I wouldn't NOT accompany her either. May they were anticipating possibly upsetting news?

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 17:35:56

I have a DD, now in her 40s with no children or partner, although no ongoing medical conditions now.

When she was seriously injured in a road accident, as you describe, we did drop everything to be with her and one or other of us was with her for the next two months but outpatient treatment continued for another 5 years and while we were closely involved at first, especially as she had further operations, as treatment progressed we became less and less involved and for the last couple of years she was receiving treatment, while she always kept us updated, we neither accompanied her to medical appointments, nor put our life on hold 'in case'.

If she had other medical problems, I expect we would have long telephone conversations before and after, and support her if she needed it, but certainly not attend every appointment or clear our diaries when appointments were in the offing.

MissAdventure Mon 12-Aug-19 17:36:46

These kind of relationships always make me feel slightly uneasy.
I'm sure i'll get shot down in flames, but there is is.

I think they're too close, too cloying.

kittylester Mon 12-Aug-19 17:38:58

I would if she had no partner. I would go to every appointment any of them had if I could! blush

TwiceAsNice Mon 12-Aug-19 18:03:26

I would go . I did go with my daughter to her pre op appt and she came to several appts with me pre and post operation partly because I wasn’t allowed to drive but mainly to support me because I was worried. Isn’t that what families do?

tanith Mon 12-Aug-19 18:06:32

I do go if my daughter asks me as she is single and unable to drive the result of a stroke. Nothing wrong with it as long as both people are ok with it. I think it’s nice to have someone to rely on if there is no partner some people find hospital visits daunting.

BlueBelle Mon 12-Aug-19 18:10:11

No ones business but hers and her mum why should it bother you or your daughter Everyone’s different if it was my daughter and she asked for company yes I d drop everything to go with her especially if she had no one else
I ve kept many appointments on my own because I didn’t feel the need to ask anyone but she may not be the same
When my daughter had a health scare I asked her if she'd like me to go with her and she said yes please

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 18:10:56

MisAdventure I agree with you, in principle, but I do think that one's relationship with a permanently single child is closer than with a married child.

I noticed this with my parents and my unmarried sister and I am aware of it with my daughter. I think it mainly arises from them not having someone to use as a sounding board at home when life goes pear-shaped or if they need help, in situations where a partner might provide moral support.

As a mature independent adult there is a proper space between us and DD, but when she was woken by a horrible noise a few weeks ago and saw some animal (a badger, she discovered later) attacking (and killing and eating) 'her' hedgehogs. Her response was to ring us the next day and tell us all about it, whereas for DH it would have been a family tragedy, dealt with, with wife and children with us being told next time we spoke or when he posted it on Facebook.

When she had her accident, we were the only people she could turn to and as we were retired, we could rise to the occasion. If we had been still working, the situation would have been different, she would have been longer in hospital and when discharged been, at least partially, dependent on carers and hospital transport.

dragonfly46 Mon 12-Aug-19 18:13:49

I would go if she had no partner. Recently my DD had a hip replacement and I went to see the surgeon with her for her check up as she invited me and she is married

My son was seriously ill in 2010 and I decamped to London for 4 months.

I don’t find it odd at all. As kitty said I would go to all appointments if I was nearer.

SueDonim Mon 12-Aug-19 18:43:18

If she wants her mother to accompany her, I don't see what's wrong with that. It's up to them.

My dd is a student medic and she tells me that at out-patient clinics the majority of people are accompanied by someone, be it a relative or friend. No one thinks anything of it.

Jane10 Mon 12-Aug-19 18:49:57

If my DD wanted me to accompany her to any appointment of any kind I would unhesitatingly go. She hasn't up to now but if she ever did...
Equally, I think she'd do the same for me. No fuss. Just support available if ever required. I suspect lots of us GNers would say the same.

FlexibleFriend Mon 12-Aug-19 19:12:02

I'd say it depends on the health issue, my youngest son attends all my hospital and doctors appointments with me. Many of which are in central London and a pita to get to. However my appointments are planned for when it's convenient for him. We're actually advised to bring someone with us if possible, someone who would be able to speak for us and or support us if needed. I can't see anything wrong with it art all. My son has a partner and a 6 month old son and works quite long hours but manages to find the time.

ginny Mon 12-Aug-19 19:22:46

Yes of course I would go if asked. Apart from anything else it is always good to have two people listening. I always find I can’t remember half what doctors told me by the time I’m half way home.

Nico97 Mon 12-Aug-19 19:29:13

If there's no one else in their life who do your kids usually turn to - either Mum first or both Mum and Dad. It's what families do in times of need to support each other. I think it shows how much people care.

ninathenana Mon 12-Aug-19 19:55:00

MissAdventure that is my feeling.

Of course it's good to know your mum is there if you need her and I would go with DD if she asked. If she had an accident I would be there for her for as long as she needed. DD wouldn't ask me or her DH to accompany her to a routine appointment. That's the way she is, I guess that's why I asked.
X and her mum do everything together. I feel for her father.
No, it's none of my business. I just wondered if I was the odd one. Seems I am.

MissAdventure Mon 12-Aug-19 19:58:19

I certainly wouldn't cancel everything between now and October in case I was needed, particularly if I was only half an hour away. confused

Callistemon Mon 12-Aug-19 20:12:50

I wish I had been nearer to take my DD to hospital in an emergency and fetch her home when she was sent home at 2 am and had to find herself a taxi.

It depends - if she has no-one else and knowing how difficult it is to park at hospitals, then yes.
Anyway, it is between them, how do you know it's not serious and it is no-one's business but theirs.

M0nica Mon 12-Aug-19 20:37:50

I think there is a difference between all those people saying about going 'if asked' and the example the OP gives where the parent seems to run their life around being available, whether asked or not for what sound like fairly run of the mill appointments. It is also clear that the parent involved lives some distance from her daughter.

We live 90 miles from DD, and where there like a shot when everything was critical, but once things settled down, she felt no need for us to go with her to see her specialist, even in the period when she needed moral support from us, we rarely went into the consultation room with her, and were there for psychological support, her accident affected her quite deeply psychologically as well as physically.

In fact there were several stages along the way when we all recognised stages when we stepped back from her life. We recognised the point at which she could manage on her own and wanted us to return home. The point when she no longer wanted us with her on hospital visits.

I think there is a difference between being available in an emergency and rushing around for every medical event.

GagaJo Mon 12-Aug-19 20:41:51

My part-time bloke has a 34 year old daughter. He goes to her medical / dental appointments with her. Pathetic in my view.

Minniemoo Mon 12-Aug-19 20:42:43

I'd go if asked . My eldest had health issues a few years ago. I was there when needed but didn't hang around all the time. But she had her fiance and he took over the 'looking after' as it were.

If these women are happy I'd say there's no problem with what they're doing. What's odd to one is perfectly normal to someone else I suppose!

cornergran Mon 12-Aug-19 21:03:51

Isn’t it up to the individuals? Relationships are so unique . We have sons, neither have wanted us to attend medical appointments since they were 16. A close friend and her daughter always attend each others medical appointments. I’ve never thought it odd, just different to our situation while wondering if the gender of the adult child makes a difference.