Friend wants to renew our friendship

For me, regardless of what has happened, what hurtful things were said, etc, I decide whether or not to keep up a friendship based on how much I enjoy the friend's company.

If I enjoy their company I can put a lot to one side. People are fallible, and I've said some daft things in my time which with hindsight might have been hurtful, for example, a friend who's husband never has sex with her, I eventually suggested that he might be gay. After that tactless comment I noticed our friendship cooled for a while, but we seem back to being good friends although it took a while.

Another good friend, who we socialise with a lot including husbands, once said some horrible things to me and I was very upset. She came round with flowers after and apologised saying it was jealousy and drink that had made her say those nasty things. I cooled things for a while because I was so hurt but things are once again fine and we have some great times together.

Another time I was sidelined by a very close friend when she developed a new friendship group with another 2 women. I was the unnecessary third wheel and no longer needed as a friend. Things changed over time, we supported her through a divorce and were close again. She's been married to someone else for years and we only exchange Christmas cards, always saying we must meet up this year. She's moved on and although I do miss the friendship and fun times we used to have I accept that's in the past and she has moved on to a new life where we probably don't have much in common any more.

But I do think if you enjoy someone's company and have good times together, a bit like family it's worth forgiving and forgetting as it's quite rare to find friends you really love and enjoy spending time with.

I'd like to bet this 'friend' is oblivious to the shabby way she treated you.
She just did what was normal for her and as such, is very unlikely to have changed much in character.

So don't let yourself in for a repeat performance.

Maybe now she's older, lonely and friendless, remembers your kindness but because she will have learned nothing - people don't when they won't admit to being wrong - you could find yourself being used all over again.

Then this silly woman will look confused and say, 'What? What did I do??' And you'll be weeping.

Save yourself the angst. You've learned, even if she hasn't.

Do you miss your friendship with her? You say you've had a laugh and a chat with her over the years when you've bumped into her.

I think she treated you badly but, if you miss her, you could try something like meeting up for a coffee and see how things go .... you don't have to be bosom pals.

I have been on the other end twice, losing a good friend without knowing why. The first time she very sadly had a baby with a syndrome that meant he only lived a few weeks. She was naturally absolutely distraught with grief, and I tried to support her in every way I could, but she stopped answering emails or phone calls. Eventually DH spoke to her husband, and he said one comment I had made was deemed not to understand her situation, so she wanted no more contact. I could appreciate that this was probably the anger stage of grief, but she never accepted any more contact, and we had been so close.

The second one was an old work colleage, we had been in touch for 19 years after leaving the company we worked for, where we had both been mistreated. I completely forgot a lunch date, I work on Wednesday mornings and had gone home on automatic pilot, my calendar had failed to remind me on my phone. A few months later she forgot a lunch date with me, so it wasn't entirely me. Very regrettably a couple of years later I forgot another one, same circumstances, and when she rang I asked her to to hang on, I would be there in five minutes, but she was too annoyed, said she was going home. She has refused all contact ever since, so I have given up trying.

I only mention those, because a bit like like grandparents cut off from grandchildren, losing friends that have been a part of your life for many years really does hurt, and I think if you have decided someone's behaviour has been so dreadful that you want to cut contact, then in all fairness, you should give them an explanation.

That happened to me. I think she felt guilty for your doing so much, so any other person who hasn't done as much doesn't invoke as much guilt feelings.

Happened to be twice in fact. Made up my mind to never go over the top helping someone else, injecting myself into their lives, except for my husband of course.

Well this is very timely. I have just decided to break up a friendship after being badly treated for a number of years. My friend took advantage of my good nature. She was rude sarcastic and spoke sharply . She had spoilt 2 holidays and the last straw was last Tuesday. We were together for 2 hours at s coffee morning. She couldn't help herself even for such a short time. The most inoffensive remark had to be treated nastily. I decided l had had enough. I don't need a toxic friend.

as usual, some very wise replies here.
I hope you can decide Fizzers what you want to do.

I had an odd experience some years ago when a friend, not very close but we enjoyed each-other's company suddenly sent me a text demanding an apology.

At first I thought it was sent in error.
I tried phoning but got no reply. I left a message asking for an explanation but nothing and to this day I don't know what I did wrong or what I was to apologise for.
.
I may be naive but I cannot for the life of me think what crime or social error I committed.

I asked a mutual friend but he didn't know though more recently he was able to tell me that she had moved away from the area and was happy as far as he knew.

I just thought perhaps this friend has not appreciated what she did to hurt you so much? I think I would tell her.

It sounds as if she wanted to develop the friendship with the other woman and was buying her with the holiday. Perhaps she took your friendship for granted. Something she could have for free. But you were expecting a return for all that you had done for her. I don’t blame you for being hurt and angry and for going off her. Contacting you now suggests she has current needs and thinks of you as someone who will meet her needs. She is still taking you for granted. This is probably bringing the hurt all back up for you. It is tempting to let her know how you felt about what she did then but you have let it go for years and been pleasant when you meet her. You are unlikely to get any resolution and will probably feel worse if you try to get her to understand what she did then, now that she seems to need you again. She will probably not understand. You need to let it go. Not just in practice by not renewing a close friendship with someone who is not worth it but in your own heart. You need to forgive her, forget it now and move on. You say your cousin is the same. There are people like this. But if it is a pattern in your life maybe you also need to look at what you do yourself, why you want to help people and what you expect to get in return. Your story has helped me think about these things in myself. I can be both very kind to people and then resentful that I have been kind. Which is unreasonable. One can have expectations of reward that are not made clear and that the other person does not realise exist, has not agreed to and may not want to enter into. Being the one to give can also put one in charge and be a kind of power trip. Givers are not always entirely good. We should be equally givers and takers in a good friendship but it is not easy. Good luck and my blessings.

Fizzers did you tell her why you were hurt and distanced yourself from the friendship? as she may see it entirely different! If you dont ask her you will never have the answer to your misery.

rockchick22 what happened?????

I think we have to accept that others are not us. ( this is a note to myself, by the way)
I expect too much from people and when I have had the singular opportunity to explore a somewhat failed relationship, it is interesting to see how others see a situation totally different from me. Because they are not me.
I think you have to go with your heart fizzers as what’s the alternative ? If you ‘ have it out’ with your friend it will also end unsatisfactorily. Realistically, you have managed without her for years and will never trust her again. Give up...or tell her why, and then give up.

I too had a similar experience with someone I thought was a close friend. She was going through a rough patch and I gave her a lot of support. When my mother died and I needed a friendly ear, she seemed to drop me and I felt very hurt. It seemed she just couldn't be bothered any more, so we now rarely communicate which is sad.

Years ago a ‘friend’ sent me a letter. Not a nice one.
After a lot of thought I responded. I wasn’t nasty but did make my feelings about her letter very plain.

She and some other friends went on holiday together, she showed them my letter (they never saw the one she sent to me) they responded collectively and sent me a very rude nasty postcard. They were in their late 30’s not 15! I expect a few bottles of wine had flowed before they thought this was a good idea!

It was extremely hurtful, I know the woman in question had never really liked me and saw this as her opportunity to cause upset. It worked?.
I haven’t had any contact with 2 of the women who I would have said were at one time my closest friend. I told all my family what had happened but my Mum never mentioned to her best friend, the mother of one of the women.
This weekend my mum told me that my ex friend told her mother about the card recently and really regretted what she and the others did.
Well I’ve lived very happily without her in my life now for about 30 years - she can live with her regret.

Thank you for listening. I suppose only the last sentence was really relevant but I only found out about the regret this weekend then this post came along...

Over the last couple of years I have had it brought home to me that bad people have good points and good people have bad points.

So your erstwhile friend did something that made you feel totally unappreciated and yet she was good fun for you to spend a lot of time with her and want to help her as much as you did.

Only you can decide what matters most to you. But I do think that GabriellaG54 is right. It is a much more healthy rule of thumb FOR YOU to do what you do for someone else because you want to, without expecting reciprocity.

Maybe the other person payed for your friend?

My best friend of thirty years developed a brain tumour. I was away when she was diagnosed but returned as soon as I could. I wasn’t invited to see her for a month....requests were refused. Eventually I was allowed to visit...I visited a lot over the next year till she died. The point was we were best friends, our kids were close...as were our husbands. When she died they asked another friend to do the reading in the church. I have never been so hurt or devastated. The family has since apologised, this was after feeling sick and angry a couple of years after she died I sent him a letter telling him how much they hurt me by cutting me out......but nothing will make this ok. It’s been ten years since she died....we have seen her husband maybe half a dozen times when I’ve invited him to dinner. I know it was her husband and children’s loss, but the collateral damage has ended friendships on all sides. Oh...the reason they chose the other friend? She had loaned them money once. Basically I’m saying I understand your hurt and anger....maybe you need to do what I did and tell her exactly why you feel as you do.

I love glammanana idea. If you don't have the contact details of the "other" friend remind her of that person's name :-)

My American friend says "Do it to me Once, shame on you. Do it to me Twice, shame on me". Covers so many situations really and I think you're at that point with this ex friend and your cousin.

good Luck and well done for being willing to "See" what's really going on and for taking care of yourself.

Hi, like you, I do hope that if I’m a true friend to someone in need, that will be at least acknowledged, and if it isn’t I am also increasingly inclined to not want to be in their company. I do hear what some are saying here..but in the end, you can have enough of people taking advantage of your good nature. If you feel resentful towards her, there is no reason at all why you should continue/resume any kind of friendship with her...and you’ve done nothing ‘wrong’ in my opinion. Yes, it does cost you that ‘friendship’ but is it what you want, anyway? Perhaps better to enjoy relationships with people who are likeminded.

What happened Rockchick22 You were cut off in mid sentence ?

I don't think your heart is in renewing this friendship fizzers for that reason I would call it a day too. You would just be disappointed all over again.

IMV, if you willingly give your time and effort to help a friend, you do it out of goodness, not to get miffed if that person treats another friend to a weekend away or whatever.

Well, every so often, much to my surprise, I find myself agreeing with GabriellaG54.
If we are completely honest, most of us who are helpful in emergencies are fulfilling a need within ourselves too and that is the reward. For whatever reason, your friend wanted to take this particular friend away for the weekend and this was the best excuse she had. Was that bad treatment? I'd admit I would have probably been hurt but it wouldn't be enough to break a long standing relationship if everything else was ok.
My daughter has exacting standards about how she expects people to treat her because of the way she treats them which often strikes me that she is overly generous. When they don't treat her the way she expects, she withdraws. Consequently, she has few friends.

OK, MissA, but you did not make it plain at the time!!

As for language teachers, I am not speaking to them. But don't you agree that it is rude to comment on another Gran's English, which they probably know is not perfect anyway? If MissA was commenting on somebody on a documentary I appreciate that she was right. "With all due respect" always means "With no respect at all."
Have a good day.

Annaram1
Rude? Come on...tell that to language teachers. ?

GHi tg

IMV, if you willingly give your time and effort to help a friend, you do it out of goodness, not to get miffed if that person treats another friend to a weekend away or whatever.

I can understand the OP's feelings but it's not the way I personally conduct friendships.

You can't expect people to act as you personally would act or indeed expect them to act.
That's not realistic.
When you do stuff for other people it's best not to have any expectations of recognition.
You live and learn...

she I had a similar thing 30+ years ago. A friend rang me in the middle of the night she was sobbing her heart and said she was suicidal. she was on her own with 3 small children. I woke my husband and told him what had happened and we agreed that I should go and try to comfort her, which sI did, for about 4 hours. The next day I rang to see how she was I