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Friend wants to renew our friendship

(52 Posts)
fizzers Sun 18-Aug-19 10:12:13

Many years ago I had a good friend, well at the time I thought she was a good friend. We were friends for years and had a lot in common. We were similar age, both were single parents with one child, lived on the same estate, went out together, shopped together, confided in each other..

She became ill , me being the good friend, did her shopping, did her washing, cleaned her house, made meals etc. When she got better she rewarded me by taking another of her friends away on a weekend, to thank her for helping her when she was ill. This other woman had popped down to see her twice and that was it.

That hurt me so much. I gradually tapered off the friendship and moved off that estate. We did bump into each other now and again over the years, had a natter and a laugh.

Now she keeps contacting me, tbh, I can't be doing with it, if I wasn't good enough then, well I'm not good enough now. Incidentally, I'm going through a similar thing with my cousin too. I mean why do people treat others badly and then think that they can pick up as though nothing had changed?

Pantglas1 Sun 18-Aug-19 10:19:28

Wow - that took some nerve on her part! Hasn’t happened to me but I’ve seen it done in families where one person has gone above and beyond and some tail end Charlie comes along and is rewarded for a trifling effort!

I know some folks expect more from some people than others but only you can decide if she’s going to be worth bothering with, perhaps on a take it or leave it basis?

EllanVannin Sun 18-Aug-19 10:22:39

That's no friend ! I found her actions disgusting to be quite honest, so I'd certainly keep her at arms length and I'd be telling her too how you felt used and see what she has to say to that.

I couldn't be treated like that then expect to carry on as though nothing's happened. No way.

Joyfulnanna Sun 18-Aug-19 10:28:29

Pantglas your description of the tail end Charlie is very common I think. I've heard this before. Someone who gathers up all the dirt, swoops in and 'saves the day' when they haven't been previously involved. Oh the games people play, they're so transparent.

Jane10 Sun 18-Aug-19 10:42:18

I don't suppose they realised how their behaviour could be perceived. The friend didn't ask the OP to look after her nor did she somehow 'belong' to her. Maybe this other friend had something different to offer? Maybe a change of perception? Maybe a distraction? Maybe just a good laugh? You'll never know. It's hard not to feel jealous but that's what it was that kept you away from her. It's your choice whether to resume friendship.

fizzers Sun 18-Aug-19 10:53:25

Hindsight is wonderful, I suppose I should've seen the signs, (both her and my cousin) she did like to think she was better than everyone else, when I purchased something, she bought similar, not because she liked my taste, she was envious and didn't want to be outdone. I couldn't see that then but I can now.

Her other friend had a better 'social standing', had more money than us and certainly didn't live on a council estate like we did.

I don't mind the odd contact but I am not going to start going out socialising with either of them. Am wondering about motives, why? got no friends?

seacliff Sun 18-Aug-19 11:00:34

I'm sure you won't renew the "friendship" from what you say.

She has probably treated others in the same way as you. Maybe she now finds she has a shortage of friends, so is trying to cultivate you again.

I had a similar thing, I eventually walked away, for my own wellbeing. I do miss her company at times, but not the way she treated me at times.

Joyfulnanna Sun 18-Aug-19 11:02:25

Fizzers, she sounds like a desperate leech. She's trying to get you on board again. I think you're right to see through it. It'll happen again

MissAdventure Sun 18-Aug-19 11:03:24

Can you "turn up missing"?

I wasn't sure whether to put this to the pedants, but to me it's glaringly obvious this is bad use of English.

Am I wrong, or is it wrong?

MissAdventure Sun 18-Aug-19 11:04:15

And I posted it in the wrong place! blush

glammanana Sun 18-Aug-19 11:07:55

Send her the contact details of the friend she took away for the week-end and forget all about them

MissAdventure Sun 18-Aug-19 11:11:13

I was just thinking, maybe your friend was at such a low ebb that she was confused about who had done what during that time?

Maybe she was manipulated a bit..

Or maybe I'm being too charitable?

Jane10 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:15:20

Maybe the OP has a bit of a 'chip on her shoulder'? I think she's looking for negatives in a situation that's most likely quite straightforward. Go or don't go. The ball's in her court.

MissAdventure Sun 18-Aug-19 11:26:19

Friendships can be very confusing - right from first making them as little children, right up into our adulthood.

It's because people are so very complex.

Davida1968 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:29:18

fizzers, my advice is to do what you know in your heart is your preferred choice of action. From your posting here, it sounds as though your preference would be to ignore this "friend". (I certainly would!) If she is contacting you on social media, then perhaps you can simply ignore her? If she phones, and you recognise her number, then it's up to you whether or not to respond. Good luck!

TrendyNannie6 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:34:23

I would imagine you would feel very hurt fizzers I know I would. I would bin her off she is the weakest link goodbye I couldn’t be doing with it I’m afraid, two strikes and you are out is my motto lol life’s too short. Seriously though you are the better person ignore her she had her chance love. Good luck

grandtanteJE65 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:36:46

If she is contacting you by phone, you will just need to say you don't have the time to see her. That should do the trick, as we all know that we can find time to do the things we really want to.

Facebook, e-mail or text messages you can just ignore.

If she doesn't take the hint, ask her why in the world she thinks you would like to see her again after the way she treated you in the year dot.

You have lived happily without her, after you got over your hurt, so don't let her destroy your peace of mind now.

DanniRae Sun 18-Aug-19 11:37:29

I know how you feel fizzers because I had a really close friend - we met every week and she knew more about me and my life than anyone else. I don't want to go into details but, in a nutshell, she let me down badly. However instead of fading away from her friendship I wrote to her and told her exactly what I felt about her behaviour. She replied with her version of events - I put her straight in my next letter but added that I accepted that she would see it differently so let's leave it there. So she did and that was the end of our friendship. I bump into her from time to time and although I am prepared to say "Hello, how are you?" as I pass by (in acknowledgement of the friendship that we had) she chooses to ignore me. So be it!

spabbygirl Sun 18-Aug-19 11:39:34

I dump people like that. You can't have a proper friendship with her anyway, cos your heart isn't in it. Remain civil with her and find more loyal people to spend your time with.

birchermuesli Sun 18-Aug-19 11:40:07

Do you still like her and feel some rapport with her?

jaylucy Sun 18-Aug-19 11:42:12

I have had this happen a couple of times - the first time, the "friend" met a new partner and moved away, only to be heard from about 15 years later - she contacted me on Facebook. When I mentioned it after we met up again, she said she didn't remember anything about it! We spasmodically keep in touch online
Second time I helped out someone, including taking her children to school and even having them stay overnight to give her a break after she had asked family members to help and they had turned her down , she took several of them out for a meal to say thank you and guess who was babysitting until 2am ? (they had gone on to a nightclub!) She supposedly was going to take me out separately but it never happened. She is still living locally, but I rarely see her. I am hoping that I learn from the experience or will get a "MUG" tattoo if I don't !

valjune Sun 18-Aug-19 11:42:31

I wouldn't bother with her people dont change .. Friendships are so painful when you lose them .. Why put yourself through it again .. Forgiveness doesn't always work in our best interests . Hugs x

NanaAnnie Sun 18-Aug-19 11:49:41

Nothing to be gained from going over old ground here. Walk away, without a backward glance. Leeches sap every ounce of your time and energy, mainly for their own purposes.

GabriellaG54 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:55:37

You were/are right MissAdventure
You cannot 'find something missing' either. Discover or realise? Yes.

Annaram1 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:55:55

If you have plenty of other friends just dump her gradually.

If you don't, its up to you if you want to renew the friendship or not. Is she worth it?

MissAdventure. I just hate it when people think they can correct another Gran's English. Yes, you may be correct, but its just rude and puts people off writing. So stop it.