Any advice about my mum

Confused, my mother never, ever, liked her dil and she had 4 of them. She was also interfering with all of us in family matters. Controlling springs to mind.

The way I coped with her was to ignore all her comments and advice, I just use to hang up on her and walk away when she started. I really didn't like her at all.

You are a an adult and a family, you don't have to answer to your parents or justify yourself for your actions. You need to stop thinking about what has happened and start afresh Make some family rules that you will not discuss your family matters with your parents, you will not allow your parents to criticise your partner, and take control.
As for the Irish Passport, get one it will give your children a great many opportunities in the future.

You are doing the same sort of heart-searching I had to do 50 years ago when I married into a lovely Irish family.

My in-laws were so kind and generous in a way my parents could not be. I loved them and they me.

My Mum didn't try to change, even though she almost lost her grand-children with her attitude, because she would never admit she was doing anything wrong.

Dad's loyalty to her meant she had confirmation of her actions, so of course she just got worse.

Like your Mum, mine even wanted me to call my boys by my maiden name, not the typically Irish surname I wanted for me and our sons.

For far too long I went along trying to pacify and please her, feeling horribly guilty and to blame (as she implied I was) for the disputes between us. Now of course I can see where the real blame lay.

It may have continued forever, just getting worse and worse but my Dad died. Mum not only lost her partner of 30 years but her audience and 'enabler'.

My sister was only interested in Mum's bank account, so visited only when she wanted money.
Mum had just one friend and that by default: the wife of Dad's old army buddy. So it wasn't long before they had no reason to visit her either.

I was the only one left.
It took a long, long tim and Mum and I were never chums but I learned to see that making me feel bad was her little power trip (we all have them in one way or another).
That the bigotry was actually fear and she genuinely loved her grandsons.

With no audience to play up to and agree with her, she softened a little - and of course I was all she had.

But I came to see also, that if Dad had not died, she would have continued to rule the roost and be unpleasant until my boys refused to have anything to do with her. Then I would have been blamed for keeping them away.

So I understand your position and my only advice to you Confused2019 is to try and see now that it is not you but her at fault - that you will never, ever do everything right for your Mum, however hard you try.

You can cause yourself so much distress by taking the blame and thinking you can change her by your actions - it will never happen. Accept that and you will be much happier.

Your mother and mine were cut from the same cloth - I only wish I had refused to feel guilty from the outset.

It might have saved me a lot of heartache and tears - the kind you are now going through.

Confused2019, I endorse Gabriella's very practical and do-able advice.

Marriage vows have different wordings but explicitly said in some and worded differently in others, is the phrase '^forsaking all others^ and 'man and wife become 1'.

You may not have gone through a marriage ceremony but the length of your partnership and the existence of children means, de facto, you are married.

The marriage service was always very clear that when you married the link between parent and child is severed and that your main responsibilities are to each other, and your parents detailed responsibility and control of your life ends.

The problem is that your parents are not fulfilling their part of the bargain. They are still treating you as if you were their child in whose life they can continue to interfere on a daily basis. Any parent who says as your mother did that she did not want the father's name on the birth cirtificate and the children to bear his name is so way way way over any line, that you should have called her out then and there, not forgiven her.

As for your father asking now 12? 15? years into your partnership 'Did you think he (the grandfather) would let anyone take his grandchildren' leaves me speechless. What on earth is he talking about? Does he see your partner's family trying to run off with them, does he think your partner is about to leave you? Children have 2 biological parents, doesyour father think he has some right over the children that your partner does not? Your father has absolutely no right to make any suggestion such as he made. He is as far over any acceptable boundary as his wife.

There is no question of being estranged from your parents or your parents not seeing the grandchildren or of you not loving your parents. It is the simple fact that when you and your partner formed your partnership, from which you have children, your parents should have taken a step back and accepted that you were now living a life where your first responsibility was to your partner and children and that in their dealings with you they had to deal de facto with the whole household, not you as an independent person on your own.

What you have got to do is make sure your parents understand where the boundaries are in their relationship with your partner and children. make clear that you and your family are as valid a family unit as any couple who have married. That they have no right to question any decisions you and your partner make about your family and they are not to say anything to you that explicitly or implicitly criticises your partner, casts doubts on his commitment to you and his family, or suggests that he or any member of his family wishes to do anything to undermine your family unit.

You can best choose how to do this, face to face with your partner or in a joint letter. Assure them of your love and talk about how much your children love their grandparents and enjoy being with them and then make absolutely clear where the boundaries are in your family's relationship with them and make it clear you will not accept any unwarranted interference in your joint lives or any suggestions that your partner and his family are untrustworthy.

If they do offend then both of you together should confront them with their accusations and ask them to justify them.

Look...yes, you are going on a bit and part of your post is somewhat muddled but you're getting yourself in a bit of a muck-sweat regarding your parents.
Calm right down.
You are never going to get to the underlying reason behind their antagonistic attitude towards your partner so set that aside.

No-one knows what actions your partner (or anyone else) might take in the future so that's a dead subject.

Yes...there can be legal complications to being unmarried with children but these can usually be resolved, however, I think your parents have Brexit in mind and, if your OH is from the ROI, that might well be the reason behind their concern.

It's best not to be drawn on the subject of passports etc. Just be polite and smile and decline to discuss it.
Please don't argue as it may cause a rift that will never heal.
It's your life and only you know your parents and their attitudes.
My advice would be not to.raise your voice, no matter what your parents say.
Just agree to think about their objections (but obviously you can ignore them)

Why not marry in a low key wedding?.
That piece of paper would be best in the long run and might save future heartache.

I send best wishes for a happy outcome.

Confused, At one time I'd like quite to have had what your own mother wanted which was all to live together in one big house. I guess if I had suggested that to a son and his wife they would have explained why they preferred not to.

I'd have understood. Can your own mother not understand a simple explanation? Or does she think she should always get her own way?

It looks as if you are going to have to be more mature than your mother now and deal with her as if she is not as mature as you are. She no longer has authority over you.

Apologies for such bad spelling ie sole instead of soul and poor grammar. Baby brain and lack of sleep shall be my excuse ?

*pouring not pooing ? first giggle I have had in weeks ?

Thank you all even though it has been very hard to read your replies these are not thoughts I have not had secretly at the back if my mind. It's very hard to think badly of your mum no matter what age you are.

I found myself reading some comments and wanting to jump to my mum's defence, I'll never understand her behaviour but after a night of sole searching as hard as it is to admit I don't believe my mum sees me as a daughter but just as someone to control for her own means. Before if I spoke up she screamed shouted even stamped her feet and said because I spoke better I made her look the 'bad guy' to my dad.

I'm sorry its all pooing out here - I know counselling has been suggested - I've never spoken to anyone it was drilled into me at a young age you get on with life, be strong etc. So in away writing here my shoulders feel lighter and I feel so much stronger in my convictions now.

No one wants to admit their mum only thinks of themselves, I'll always feel guilty but as my dad said I come second to her and they now unfortunately come second to my family. I'll never stop them seeing the children but they will have to call and so far they have not - I'm dreading the day my eldest asks where they are I don't know what to say, they love them so much I really don't want my children to resent me.

Sorry I'm rambling again, it's just I cannot bring myself to talk to friends in case they judge me as this horrid person who does not speak to their mum.

confused your mother comes over as a nasty, controlling woman. She seems to have driven away everyone who has been close to her. What name you take and what passports your children have is none of her business. I would have as little to do with her as possible. Don't risk the relationship you have trying to please this selfish woman, it's what she's hoping you will do.

I'm sorry but I don't feel this has anything to do with passports at all, rather an excuse to still control.
You are an adult, you have made your choices and, if I were a member of your family I would be more than happy with the decisions you have made.
In fact I would find it somewhat of a relief to accept not all parents are nurturing as yours were so obviously not .Be proud of yourself - smile, despite them you are now fine.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm not encouraging or condoning any behaviour, I think you may have misread my post.

Your kids arent any less Irish just because they dont have an Irish passport. Plenty of citizens never get any passport, they are still citizens.

I think it is wrong to encourage/condone your parents xenophobia against your children by adhering to their "british passport only" rule.

There are many parts of the world where the british are very unpopular and it is safer to travel on a more neutral passport.

Luckygirl thankyou I really have been starting to doubt myself and I cannot keep going on to my wonderful partner as he is just as hurt and cannot understand what he feels he has done wrong.

I agree Pecs dual passports seem to make so much sense!

My mum distrusts everyone tbh and she has never worried about our finances. It's hard to explain without going into to much detail, all she has is my dad - no friends as she picks holes in everyone. She wanted us to buy a bigger place some years back and all live together, she told my dad it was my idea and he got annoyed with me when I said no.

Confused, I am sorry you have these worries . Does your mother tend to distrust everyone, or only foreigners or people from another religion?If so I doubt you will change her attittude.

Is your mother worried about your financial security? If that's her problem can you tell her about your insurance or pension scheme?

I agree with Farmor and Eillyann an Irish passport is a good thing to own and will be very useful for your travelling abroad in the future.

No matter how upset your mother is all you can do is try to reassure her as well as you can, but she literally can't rule your life.
I wish you much happiness with your nice man and lovely babies.

What business of your Mum's was it to interfere over whose name is on the birth certificate? That is out of order.

Gosh! What a funny attitude! I would be saying get dual nationality..get an Irish passport for your children! At least after UK is on its own, as the kids grow up they can travel in Europe more easily! Beyond that your parents seem to have rather traditional views on people not exactly like them. Keep all channels open but prioritise your own growing family. Your parents are the ones being awkward not you. There are consequences to being bigoted.

I'm really not sure what my mum's motives are, she believes her mum was bad towards her - I've listened for years and it was only after she lied to my dad about her behaviour towards me regarding one of the children I realised she treats me like her mum treats her. As for financial stability my partner works and I am a stay at home mum. My dad talks about inheritance but tbh I have always had the impression my mum would rather I had nothing. I'm not interested in money or anything, I've told my dad this, I've held on to thinking for years that my dad knew deep down what she was like but ive now lost that hope.

I've just read all your replays to my partner and I've had a good cry, I won't go into all the years of side ways comments aimed at me as you lovely ladies seem to have a good idea of what's gone on. Yes I have always sort their approval much to the annoyance of my partner, but he has always supported me.

All I can do is vow never to treat my children this way and support each and all of their decisions.

Confused I think your parents' behaviour is cruel and hurtful - to both you and your husband.

I get the feeling that you have spent your life feeling inadequate - perhaps because your parents have always been hyper-critical. I've noticed that children of parents who are very critical or who show little interest in their opinions or achievements tend to continually seek their parents' love and approval. I wonder if you can relate to this?

I think you would benefit from seeking some counselling sessions to unravel your feelings and to enable you to be more assertive in your dealings with your parents. They will then have less power to hurt you.

I wish you all the best.

I’m trying to get my head round this and try and understand why your mother is behaving like this. I can’t really but there may be an explanation.

My DD was 7months pregnant when her husband left. Long story short- she divorced him.
They got back together when GC was 18months old and now seem to be very happy. That is good, BUT, I am happy that they don’t seem to want /need to remarry. He has a fairly low paid job, so does she- nothing wrong with that BTW but if we die and she inherits then he will not have a strong case to claim her inheritance if he left her again.
Perhaps your parents are concerned for your future security?
Contrary to belief a common law wife does not have the same protection as one that is legally married.

Oh, poor you, horrible, horrible situation.
Why, oh why some parents believe they somehow own their children is beyond me !
I totally understand your hurt but you are absolutely right to put your family first. Grandparents should be loving,
supportive and keep their mouths shut unless asked for advice !
I do so hope your relationship will improve but it really is down to them, definitely their loss if not.

Thank you Monica it's as if you know me, I have always tried to be the loyal dutiful daughter but I've never reached the bar set so to speak.