Laziness

I can't see it.
Just an empty square.

? This may be the emoji you want MissAdventure

Ah, thank you, Julie that really means a lot, and it makes a huge amount of sense.

Everyone's advice does, too, of course.

A child coping with the death of his mother is the hardest hand to be dealt. My sisters and I were left in this dreadful situation many years ago when mum died suddenly and we all reacted differently. For my part I was terrified of doing anything that might upset dad in case he died too. There is often a degree of guilt involved in another’s death and that could be part of your grandson’s issues. He can’t understand why he feels as he does. Does he realise there is no time limit to grief and that it’s ok to feel all kinds of emotions towards someone else he loves?
When I look back now I know I would have appreciated a quiet moment here and there with dad and/or someone else who loved me for a long time after mum had gone. Reassurance from adults that they were aware we girls were still missing her but still mattered.
I feel if you two sat down together and talked over the things each of you find difficult about the other and find some compromise you could move forward together. You are probably fighting similar demons!
He’s great at school because he knows what’s expected of him, can deliver it and get rewarded with good marks/praise. Can you two work together on this basis?
I know it’s hard I really do, for lots of reasons. But by acting as a team and a pair of intelligent people you can forge a reasonable relationship. Fight the bad hand you’ve each been dealt together, rather than battling each other. Good luck and big hugs ? x

My two went through a dirty untidy stage. Son would come in and you could follow where he had been with his dirty handmarks on the doors. Wouldn't help in the house and I was fed up doing it all. So as they were both working I decided to get a cleaner in 2 days a week and divide the cost 4 ways. As I said, why should I work and pay for your mess. Also told them if they didn't keep it clean in-between visits I would employ her 3 days a week and that would cost them.

My mum used to throw anything left out onto the fire. The fire!! No second chances, no matter how we pleaded, it was gone.

My kids were like this..one day everything that wasn’t where it should be was put in black sacks...computers, games, trainers and clothes. I cleared the floors and when they got home I told them where their valuables were....waiting for the dustmen take them away. They collected their stuff, by the bins....and put it all away....the next time they left the room in a mess I did it again...didn’t take long to get the message taken seriously.

Sandigold He is with me because his mum died, so yes, there is every reason for him to play up.

I'm walking a tightrope between bearing that in mind, and not allowing it to be used at every opportunity to excuse bad behaviour.

" It's all the late development of the frontal lobe."
GagaJo .
That ties in with the Jewish view of children taking on adult responsibilities. Girls at 12, boys at 13.

I wonder why he lives with you, and is he "acting out" emotionally. I worked as a school counsellor for a time so I tend to think this way. I think he does need to understand "your house, your rules" and learn to be organized, but at the same time, is there something he's more deeply angry or upset about that might need to be addressed?

Oh well, by the time his frontal lobe has developed, I'll be knackered out, GagaJo.

Interesting, though, because he is exactly as you described.

I'm often astonished that someone so clever can be so 'not clever' in some ways.

He is at secondary school now * EthelJ*. Good time to suggest the growing up begins.

MissAdventure, I feel your pain. I have a 15 year old in one of my (higher level) classes. He is SO lazy he can barely put pen to paper. He spends more time arguing with me than he does working.

He does my head in. It's all the late development of the frontal lobe. No common sense. Risk taking. Stupid decisions. Your GS will be fine by the time he's in his 20's. You've just got a while to wait.

I think his assertions are similar to the "everybody else has got one" complaint made by every child MissA. You know it's not true but what can you do?
Thinking about his acheivements at school (and well done both of you) I think possibly he is totally focussed there and working hard so what you get at home is all the trauma he has coped with and the consequences. It's hard for you but you should be pleased that he is confident in your love and care to take a bit of a lend (if that makes sense). He just needs to learn to help out a bit I'm sure it will come eventually. Just hope you can hold on!

I was astonished when my then teenage DS1 started to tidy his room. The reason? He had acquired the first of many girlfriends and wanted to invite her into his lair. He is middle-aged now and keeps his own house in impeccable order, although his teenage daughter lives with him and her room isn't always a model of tidiness. However, as she has learnt to do her own ironing, he can tolerate her habits up to a point.If a boyfriend visits, of course, she becomes domesticated.

Yes, I think natural consequences are the way to go, too.

Its so nice to have a sounding board with advisors on hand to help. I really do appreciate it.

I certianly wouldn't tell him to grow up like, Gonegirlsuggests he's 11 for goodness sake and boys should be allowed to cry. Too many are made to feel they shouldn't.
But I would tell him it is absolutely not your job to pick up after him. It is hard, my children were the same but are very tidy now. I used to have a box for each of them in the hall and any of their stuff not in their bedroom went in there for them to sort. Clothes only got washed if they put them to wash and if they didn't have the clothes they wanted that was down to them. If they left clothes on their floor that was fine but it meant they had to go out with creased clothes etc. I think if posible you have to show them the consequences of their actions.

23 towels!!?

You're a saint, I think, but also right in what you say.

I’ve just washed 23 towels out of my foster son’s bathroom, they were all clean on Sunday. Loads of laundry and a very messy bedroom are the least of my worries and I pick my battles carefully. Kids who have suffered any kind of trauma often have many issues and we just have to focus on the good things. Natural consequences are the best thing here, dirty clothes that aren’t in the laundry bin don’t get washed so the consequences are no clean clothes until next laundry day.

He informs me that none of his friends have to do anything at all, ever.

You see, this is what I find so frustrating; the lengths he will go to, the upset we have, just to get anything done.

Big step for both of you and I bet you are still worried about him (which is why you are feeling so stressed). You've done so much just try to relax a bit now.
I'm afraid I'm a slut and can create chaos in a moment if I'm rushed or just very busy. One of my DSs is the same the other two are varyingly tidier.
I suggest you giive him a 'tidy day' mark it on the calendar and help him do it. For the rest of the time try just to close his bedroom door and leave things as they are.
One thing I do wonder is his attitude expecting you to do it all linked to your situation? maybe he thinks other people's mothers do do everything for them.Has he a friend with a mum who doesn't? someone who could enlighten him about how families really work?

That's an idea, thank you.

I'll certainly try that. Softly, softly catchee monkey.

It's massive for a wee 11 year old. Get a whiteboard in your hall way and marker pens. Write up basic to do list, he ticks off.

It's so crap for kids having to deal with 8 teachers a day with 8 different rules and the peer pressure and social media.

Yes, he just started seniors after the summer holiday.

Is he in Year 7?