Gransnet forums


11 year old grandson

(49 Posts)
Trisher123 Sat 14-Sep-19 18:23:21

My 11 year old grandson has just started Upper School. He was born with one bone in his neck not formed properly, hence his neck is bent to one side, and also had meningitis 3 times from birth to aged 4, which has left him deaf in one ear (we know how lucky he has been as it could have been a lot worse). He is the kindest, loveliest boy you could meet, and all his cousins adore him, but someone at the new school has started taking the mickey out of him. My grandson is not one to be in a group, a slight loner, who usually has just the one friend, so not really anyone to stick up for him. We do know that that's how kids are, if someone is different, but has anyone else had this problem, and if so, how have you overcome it please. My son is going to ring up the school Monday.

notanan2 Sat 14-Sep-19 18:33:31

It is absolutely fine to not be a "group" person but I would aim to discourage investing in just one "best" friend because if that friendship falters it can feel like then end of the world for the child.

I would expect the school to take action on what happens within school Im not belittling that

But outside of school I would do things to encourage some other friendships. Some extra curricular activities that the best friend isnt at. So that school isnt their whole world IYKWIM

Musicgirl Sat 14-Sep-19 18:56:34

Some schools have safe spaces that children can go to at lunchtimes. They have activities or he could do homework. They are often given attractive names. Does he have any particular interests? He could join lunchtime clubs related to these and might well meet likeminded people, who could even become friends.

notanan2 Sat 14-Sep-19 18:59:16

I was thinking the same. My kids school has gaming club in the library at school. Things like dungeons and dragons, chess etc. Some of the more introverted children prefer to spend break time there

Luckygirl Sat 14-Sep-19 18:59:46

I agree that the school need to know. They would be very unhappy about this I am sure as all schools try and promote kindness to others. I am so sorry that he is having to endure this.

MissAdventure Sat 14-Sep-19 19:03:52

Hopefully the school will nip this in the bud.

Horrible for your grandson to have his experience in a new school marred like that.

Marilla Sat 14-Sep-19 19:12:10

This is so sad. Your son is absolutely correct in contacting the school. As a former teacher, I would encourage him to also put his concerns in writing. The school must deal with this horrid individual immediately. They should also find a safe, comfortable place within the school where your grandson can spend break time should he need it. There are not clubs usually available in the mornings.
Please let us know how your son gets on with the school.
I cannot abide this kind of behaviour and no child should ever have to put up with it.

Doodle Sat 14-Sep-19 19:27:07

I encourage your son to do more than ring the school but to get down there and bang on the door till they stop this. Start now and kick up a fuss till they act. Schools are very fond of saying they have a no bullying culture but in my experience they do nothing unless you fight hard. Hope your DGS is ok. I echo others thoughts as to get him involved in some out of school activity.

EllanVannin Sat 14-Sep-19 19:28:38

My GGS is a sensitive boy now 13 and he's not doing well at school at all. His mother has been to the school and so have I, because I'd been concerned he was being bullied. I don't know what was said to his mother as it remains confidential between parent and teacher so I let it remain so.
I do know that my GGS attends as and when he's able but I'm unsure what this is going to lead to.

His father was very ill 2 years ago and has Hodgkins Lymphoma but is now not in the family home so this could well have taken its toll on my GGS.

Doodle Sat 14-Sep-19 19:30:59

ellanvannin sorry your DGS is having a tough time too. Schools are difficult places for the vulnerable.

EllanVannin Sat 14-Sep-19 19:34:26

I should also mention that he's slightly shorter in stature than an average 13 year old as he's a twin and didn't thrive the same as his sister, both were 4lb born but he was being deprived of nourishment and as a consequence hasn't yet managed to " catch up ", but he's all there, just self-conscious I think.

BlueBelle Sat 14-Sep-19 19:37:11

I too agree with your son allowing the school to deal with it and hopefully nip it in the bud it’s bullying after all and they should have strict rules about that
Poor lad has had a difficult start in life
Some children do only make one friend I don’t think you can or should try to alter their personalities. Some just aren’t group players and nothing wrong with that

Doodle Sat 14-Sep-19 19:42:26

bluebelle how I wish that were true.

Doodle Sat 14-Sep-19 19:49:32

Sorry trisher I don’t wish to make this anything more than a one off incident but please, I cannot emphasise enough that your son needs to monitor this closely. He needs to find out what the school will do about it although the chances are that they will tell him that they cannot discuss another child. They will not say what action they have taken. Make sure your DGS gets all the help he needs.

Trisher123 Sat 14-Sep-19 20:02:55

Thank you all for your comments. My grandson is car mad, and is not interested in joining any clubs (we have tried). I would love him to have more friends, but he isnt so good in a group. It's a worry.

Doodle Sat 14-Sep-19 20:14:11

Ice skating, swimming something he could do on his own but with others? Go karting?

Trisher123 Sat 14-Sep-19 20:23:15

Thank you Marilla. My grandson's only real interest is cars, and he loves playing on his xbox, but will mention your suggestions to my son. Thank you.

Marilla Sat 14-Sep-19 21:18:48

I might add that your son must not accept anything the school say at face value. They must say what action they are going to take in making your grandson feel safe and secure throughout the school day. I am presuming he might also come under the wing of the SENCO because of his hearing.
This member of staff should be on the look out for him and to ensure his needs are being met not only academically but socially. Ask your son to also make a face to face appointment with the Head of Year and to take a notebook and record what is said in the meeting. Then you can recall answers to your queries. Also make an appointment for a follow up meeting for a week later to find out if the school has actually taken action. As others have said, this needs to be nipped in the bud now. Don’t worry about making it worse for your grandson. He needs the grown ups to deal with it on his behalf.

JohnD Sun 15-Sep-19 09:35:13

My great nephew was treated badly at school and when the school appeared to take notice the involved the police. The school policy soon changed.
By all means inform the school and give names if you have them. As an ex teacher I think all schools should be a happy place, which makes learning much easier.

Anja Sun 15-Sep-19 09:40:47

Yes, good on your son. This bullying needs to be stopped in its tracks. My grandson had noticeable ptosis in one eyelid. I paid for surgery to correct it before he went on to secondary level so I understand how you feel.

Wennz Sun 15-Sep-19 09:45:20

My twin grandson was always about 4 inches smaller than his sister until he was about 15/16 then started to catch up. He is now 23 and an inch taller than his sister. Some boys are late to develop. Hope it's the case for you.

Bellocchild Sun 15-Sep-19 09:46:33

You should certainly contact the school: be sure to name and shame the bully/ies. Ask for the school's exact strategies, and keep a diary of events to pinpoint any obvious danger areas or times where GS is an easy target. But, sadly, be aware that secondary schools are huge places and it is almost impossible to keep a vulnerable child under scrutiny all the time. It would be a good idea to work out a plan with the boy himself, so that he knows to stay safe in groups moving from lesson to lesson and always in visible areas. The school might help with this, and give him 'buddies'. If he understands that it is the bully who has the problem not him, he may be able to shrug the remarks off or ignore the perpetrator. A thick skin helps. So does self-confidence.

jpren6 Sun 15-Sep-19 09:53:32

i hope things improve for your grandson my grandson has just moved to a big secondry school after going to a small private school he has been sick with anxiety but his teacher is aware of the anxiety and hopefully he will settle in it is a worry for parents and grandparents

BlueBelle Sun 15-Sep-19 10:01:42

Doodle I don’t understand your remark to me ?

Tricia5 Sun 15-Sep-19 10:17:56

Phoning is not enough! My GD is Asperger and was tormented in her junior class for several years. The school paid lip service to no bullying but a less caring attitude I have yet to see. Encourage your child to immediately speak to a teacher.