Feeling dismissed.

My mum came up to collect our second child when I had to go into hospital for 6 weeks while DH's mum came up to look after DD while DH went to work..... My mum lost the job she loved looking after the baby for us during that time. It was only looking back that I truly grasped what the two grandmas' had done for us....

Thank you again for your encouraging advice you lovely gransnetters. My feelings of being dismissed springs from my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk. I automatically clear up and clean all the time anyway not just to help her, but also because I can’t bear the mess. We both remain jolly and cheerful all the time, as does my lovely DH and DS. As so many of you have observed - it really isn’t for much longer. It will probably end up a total of 10 months staying. I am truly blessed compared to so many grandmothers and I have taken all your comments on board - there has been so much good advice and I will certainly follow through by giving myself some space and keep biting my tongue. We do all have a super relationship and it would be awful for me to put a damper on it. I am feeling much more positive and upbeat now. I shall get my Marigolds on with a quiet knowing smile from now on. Thank you everyone.

It's certainly not worth risking a row, as they will be moving in a couple of months, so in your place, I would not say anything about the fact that your son is working two jobs and still doing his share of looking after the children.

The clutter in your home is another matter. Not having small children about does mean that you get used to a tidier home, so having children in the house again does mean more mess and clutter.

You don't have to just accept this - you are at liberty to tidy up. Help a little less with the babies and tidy up instead. If your DIL comments, tell her honestly that in the years that have gone by since your children were small you have got into the habit of having a tidy home, and you find it depressing that there is so much lying around now, although you love having them all with you.

I think you are doing a wonderful job, but it is bad that you are being taken for granted. Rather than you going out of your house to meet friends, it would be better if your daughter in law removed herself and the children for the occasional day to give you a breathing space. But how to get this through diplomatically I don't know.
I speak with some guilt as one who took absolutely for granted the child minding my parents did for me when I returned to work, although it was never in the weekends or holidays as grandparents seem to have to do nowadays. A friend said to me that I would be able to 'repay' by caring for my grandchildren in the same way, but regrettably I don't have grandchildren to expiate my guilt.

My son & DiL (no kids) stayed when they were waiting to move into their first non-rented home. The seller ( a single parent) had a nightmare moving into her new place so everything took more time than anyone bargained for.
It was a bit stressy for all of us but it wasn't forever (four months) and although there were some issues (my son just reverted back into kid being at home) I just hung on in there.
I really got to know my DiL better than before (she's fab) and we really bonded. When my son was being big kid again DiL & me just did a lot of mutual eye-rolling!
As for your son being tired after work, well, that's exactly the same for working mothers and no-one cuts them the same slack at all. I remember picking the kids up from after-school club, doing their tea, helping with homework, putting them to bed, washing up, making shopping lists and was often doing laundry at midnight.

It's sounds wonderfully chaotic - my only grandchild lives 1000's of miles away, the other side of the planet, and I rattle around my clean and tidy house and would love chaos around me.You say you don't show your disapproval of your son taking over when he comes home - maybe he wants to spend time with his children. You could get a rota/timetable on who does what but as it is only a temporary arrangement then perhaps less said the better.

I agree witb Summerlove.

OP, while it is stressful now, you will miss them when they move.

Me and my husband did this when we stayed with my grandmother waiting for a new build house to be finished. We had one son who was a toddler.

Initially we were staying for 4-6 weeks. The builder went bankrupt...we were there for 6 months. My husband was on strike for weeks on end so was home all day, I had a miscarriage, toddler son was very active and into everything, my grandmother was 70. It was stressful for us all. There were some words said, which we all regretted afterwards.

My point is that afterwards...not at the time, there was so much going on...I thought how much we put on my grandmother and how selfish we had been.

She had been so kind, so long suffering, and had given up her home and her peace to help us. I was eternally grateful afterwards and so very appreciative of her. I loved her all the more for being so tolerant and never, ever forgot her kindness.

I hope this happens in your case OP. Upon reflection when they are settled your relationships with each other will be deeper and full of respect for you and for the help you are giving. Bite your tongue and watch the days pass, it won't be forever. Just think how bonding the process is...even if it is trying your patience!

Let's take the plates to the kitchen, Daddy has been working hard, he will need a rest when he gets home

Oh please don’t teach more women and children that they have no value compared to a man. What a sad commentary

My inlaws did this for H and self which was far from being a peaceful and happy time.
I now realise from your comments how my mil must have felt.Keep smiling which you say are managing to do, if only for the sake of your grandchildren who you admit 'love to see the babies' as time will soon pass when you will have your home to yourself.

I’m curious exactly how you are being “dismissed”, are they asking you not to over parent, or literally shoo-omg you out of the room ?

As far as your son taking over some parenting duties, that’s usuallg how it’s done these days, yes he’s tired, but so is the children’s mother. She’s been “working” all day too. It’s also an excellent time for the kids to get “daddy time”. He’s coming home with fresh eyes and new patience for them.

You are incredibly kind to allow them all to stay with you.

@JackyB

Do you still live in the 1930’s?

All your son is doing is being a father, millions of women worldwide are doing the exact same thing as him in being a parent.

Op arrange to do things with your friends and try to make sure you give your self plenty of breathing space. They will be moving soon and you’ve done a fantastic thing by being able to accommodate them.

For the short time I was at home with my children, as much as I adored them and wanted to be at home - when my husband got home I was desperate to hand over, and he wanted to spend time with them. Yes - he works hard, but he is still their father, and It will only be for a short while until they are in bed and then they will have better quality child free time together. Please don't judge her for expecting daddy to act as daddy!

My OH retired a year ago and at the same time was told that he has severe COPD. Now he has always been selfish and a taker rather than a giver but we worked well as a team if at times an explosive one. Now however I feel that I don't recognise him...he goes into sulks and stops talking for days over the least thing and it is always me that has to make the first move. Our grown up children have noticed the change and tell me that I don't have to put up with it. After 40+ years of marriage I don't want to walk away but do I really want this. Is it his medication that has changed his personality or am I just making excuses for his behaviour. Has anyone else noticed a change in behaviour after starting medication for COPD?

I suggest you don't go down the poor daddy line. It wont help, believe me.

I think we forget how we felt being the chief feeder and nappy changer and are desperate for daddy to share and see his gorgeous DC.

You say your DS has two jobs, which sounds a lot and I wonder how he divides his time but he isn't expected to cook when he gets home or do any housework as you girls are doing all that. I think he's quite happy.

I'm sure you'll find a compromise and it will be peaceful when they move.

I often feel dismissed. It's not worth speaking up as it will cause bad feeling and you may regret it. I did once and it caused all sorts of problems.

The problems will get worse when they move in to their own home. You say she leaves everything to your son the minute he gets home. Perhaps you could say to the children when DiL is in earshot things like "Let's take the plates to the kitchen, Daddy has been working hard, he will need a rest when he gets home" Or something a little more subtle, or suitable for whatever age they are.

This might also help you get a little control back over your own household for the minute, by sharing jobs out as well as smoothing the way for their start in their new home.

Esther1, sympathy from me, and well done.

You say you have enough room for them all to stay, so, have you got one room, apart from your bedroom, that you could keep just for you?
Out of bounds to every one else, so you can go there and just flop, relax, scream (silently) , and just be on your own for a little while.

Keep smiling, OP, you'll miss them when they are gone !

I think you need to arrange times when you are not around them, as others have said.

Visits to friends, regular days out doing whatever you want, a weekend away - whatever you think will help to save your sanity.
And it might save your DiL's sanity also.

I wonder how long they have been with you so far?
At a similar stage I stayed with my DM, who was out at work each day, until we had a blazing row! I left in a huff with my 2 toddlers and the dog. Poor mum but I bet she was relieved..
Neither of us were patient like you.
Well done but if you can't keep it up, I wont blame you.
I think I would take at least one day a week off completely.
Or suggest they babysit and pay for you to go out?

It is incredibly tiring being a new mum and there must be some strain being with your terribly kind, long suffering MiL, surely.

I have been in a similar situation when my DD's home suffered fire damage.

Just let it wash by - those DGC will have a very special relationship with you from now on and that is worth any amount of tongue-biting.

Don't disapprove of your DS taking over the children when he comes home - he will be building up a special relationship with them too.

We too, have our moments

Bless you all for your kind messages - and yes, stupidly I posted this whinge in ‘charities’ instead of ‘chat’ - just a slip of my old finger. I feel much better after reading your advice and comments - and agree with everything you say. I will hang on in there! Watch me smile ?. I am lucky that they want to stay, and lucky to have enough room for them. I am now counting my blessings thanks to you lovely Gransnetters. What a helpful and friendly site this is.

Esther1, 'keep smiling through gritted teeth'! I know exactly how you feel.

Three of my four children have returned home for lengthy periods, two of them with partners and small children in tow! It is very difficult but soon they will be gone.

At one time there were eight people at home and I was working and also going through the menopause. I would slow down on my walk home, not really wishing to get back.
My poor face ached terribly from my plastered on smile and my lip always hurt - with it's permanent button!