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Feeling dismissed.

(56 Posts)
Esther1 Sun 22-Sep-19 18:24:05

DS and family are living with me and DH for a few months while waiting for their new house. We get on really well although I do make a real effort to be jolly and laid back about the way they have literally taken over the whole house, but quietly the mess and clutter gets me down ( I never ever show it). My DIL is a wonderful mother to her little ones and DS a wonderful father. Both of them kind and caring and give the children endless time. My DS has 2 jobs but still is expected to take over with the children at either end of the day even though he is exhausted. I never even show the slightest disapproval- I keep chatty and smiling, I promise you, I am really good at this. My DIL doesn’t work and neither do I so I try and help all the time, and it is lovely to see so much of the babies. I literally act as Girl Friday/Nanny/Cleaner. I just feel a little taken for granted by my DIL and dismissed when not particularly required. It makes me feel unimportant and even a bit in the way. Should I stop being just so NICE all the time because it is quietly getting me down. It’s probably not worth any possible bad feeling as they will move out in a couple of months and I will miss them, mess and all. They won’t be far away so I think I will just have to keep smiling through gritted teeth. Sorry to whinge - I think I have just had a belly full of being pushed aside in my own home today.

ayse Sun 22-Sep-19 18:57:00

Hang in there, especially as they will be moving out in a couple of months time. I know it can be difficult but as you may have seen on this site there are many grandparents who are estranged from their children and grandchildren.

Many a time, over the years I’ve kept my mouth firmly shut when I’ve been itching to say what I think and it has really helped to maintain relationships. Your DIL will appreciate you far more after they have moved.

I’d take it as a compliment that she feels relaxed enough at your home to treat it as her own. Just look forward to your visits to their house, where you will be able to leave and return to the sanctuary of your home.

I’ve been doing the girl Friday game for quite a while now and it’s not easy but .the relationship I have with my children and grandchildren has been well worth the occasional stresses and strains.

Well done you. It’s good to have a grumble to others when family are rather thoughtless. Hope you feel more cheerful tomorrow.

All the best 🧁🍹

NanaandGrampy Sun 22-Sep-19 18:57:09

Esther you might want to repost this in the chat thread, to get better response.

notnecessarilywiser Sun 22-Sep-19 19:09:04

Firstly I'd suggest thinking of the time when you feel dismissed as being "off duty" and taking the opportunity to do something around the house that you want to do, whether it's retiring to the bottom of the garden to catch up on your reading or clearing out the wardrobes in your bedroom.

In addition, why not make plans a few times a week to be out and about without your DIL and the little ones? I'm sure inviting yourself to friends' for coffee, etc won't be regarded as cheeky.

You're doing a good job of keeping the irritations to yourself , by the sound of it, so keep up the good work!

M0nica Sun 22-Sep-19 19:14:51

Esther, just come on here and let off steam as often as you wish, but when with your family just keep behaving as you are.

It will only be a few more months before they move out and it would be so sad if your happy relationship for the rest of your grandchildren's childhood was blown out of the water because of the stresses and strains of having them live with you for a few months.

The situation you are in - having AC and family livng with you, is well recognised as a source of many family rows. Could you have a weekend away without the family. leave them to manage while you have 2 or 3 days of blessed relief.

But grit your teeth, hang-on in and scream at us at regular intervals, if it helps.

hugshelp Sun 22-Sep-19 19:17:41

I suppose you could ask for a bit of a hand with certain things while still being chatty and smiling. It might make them feel even more at home, not less so, if they mucked in a bit more?

Hetty58 Sun 22-Sep-19 19:30:11

Esther1, 'keep smiling through gritted teeth'! I know exactly how you feel.

Three of my four children have returned home for lengthy periods, two of them with partners and small children in tow! It is very difficult but soon they will be gone.

At one time there were eight people at home and I was working and also going through the menopause. I would slow down on my walk home, not really wishing to get back.
My poor face ached terribly from my plastered on smile and my lip always hurt - with it's permanent button!

Esther1 Sun 22-Sep-19 19:30:30

Bless you all for your kind messages - and yes, stupidly I posted this whinge in ‘charities’ instead of ‘chat’ - just a slip of my old finger. I feel much better after reading your advice and comments - and agree with everything you say. I will hang on in there! Watch me smile 😀. I am lucky that they want to stay, and lucky to have enough room for them. I am now counting my blessings thanks to you lovely Gransnetters. What a helpful and friendly site this is.

M0nica Sun 22-Sep-19 20:34:02

We too, have our moments grin

Luckygirl Sun 22-Sep-19 21:16:41

I have been in a similar situation when my DD's home suffered fire damage.

Just let it wash by - those DGC will have a very special relationship with you from now on and that is worth any amount of tongue-biting.

Don't disapprove of your DS taking over the children when he comes home - he will be building up a special relationship with them too.

Grammaretto Sun 22-Sep-19 23:09:21

I wonder how long they have been with you so far?
At a similar stage I stayed with my DM, who was out at work each day, until we had a blazing row! I left in a huff with my 2 toddlers and the dog. Poor mum but I bet she was relieved..
Neither of us were patient like you.
Well done but if you can't keep it up, I wont blame you.
I think I would take at least one day a week off completely.
Or suggest they babysit and pay for you to go out?

It is incredibly tiring being a new mum and there must be some strain being with your terribly kind, long suffering MiL, surely.

FarNorth Sun 22-Sep-19 23:19:57

I think you need to arrange times when you are not around them, as others have said.

Visits to friends, regular days out doing whatever you want, a weekend away - whatever you think will help to save your sanity.
And it might save your DiL's sanity also.

stella1949 Mon 23-Sep-19 04:36:08

Keep smiling, OP, you'll miss them when they are gone !

Auntieflo Mon 23-Sep-19 08:21:20

Esther1, sympathy from me, and well done.

You say you have enough room for them all to stay, so, have you got one room, apart from your bedroom, that you could keep just for you?
Out of bounds to every one else, so you can go there and just flop, relax, scream (silently) , and just be on your own for a little while.

JackyB Mon 23-Sep-19 08:52:40

The problems will get worse when they move in to their own home. You say she leaves everything to your son the minute he gets home. Perhaps you could say to the children when DiL is in earshot things like "Let's take the plates to the kitchen, Daddy has been working hard, he will need a rest when he gets home" Or something a little more subtle, or suitable for whatever age they are.

This might also help you get a little control back over your own household for the minute, by sharing jobs out as well as smoothing the way for their start in their new home.

KatyK Mon 23-Sep-19 10:00:46

I often feel dismissed. It's not worth speaking up as it will cause bad feeling and you may regret it. I did once and it caused all sorts of problems.

Grammaretto Mon 23-Sep-19 10:16:32

I suggest you don't go down the poor daddy line. It wont help, believe me.

I think we forget how we felt being the chief feeder and nappy changer and are desperate for daddy to share and see his gorgeous DC.

You say your DS has two jobs, which sounds a lot and I wonder how he divides his time but he isn't expected to cook when he gets home or do any housework as you girls are doing all that. I think he's quite happy.

I'm sure you'll find a compromise and it will be peaceful when they move.

sharon62 Mon 23-Sep-19 10:33:15

My OH retired a year ago and at the same time was told that he has severe COPD. Now he has always been selfish and a taker rather than a giver but we worked well as a team if at times an explosive one. Now however I feel that I don't recognise him...he goes into sulks and stops talking for days over the least thing and it is always me that has to make the first move. Our grown up children have noticed the change and tell me that I don't have to put up with it. After 40+ years of marriage I don't want to walk away but do I really want this. Is it his medication that has changed his personality or am I just making excuses for his behaviour. Has anyone else noticed a change in behaviour after starting medication for COPD?

knickas63 Mon 23-Sep-19 10:58:24

For the short time I was at home with my children, as much as I adored them and wanted to be at home - when my husband got home I was desperate to hand over, and he wanted to spend time with them. Yes - he works hard, but he is still their father, and It will only be for a short while until they are in bed and then they will have better quality child free time together. Please don't judge her for expecting daddy to act as daddy!

Momof3 Mon 23-Sep-19 11:04:49

@JackyB

Do you still live in the 1930’s?

All your son is doing is being a father, millions of women worldwide are doing the exact same thing as him in being a parent.

Op arrange to do things with your friends and try to make sure you give your self plenty of breathing space. They will be moving soon and you’ve done a fantastic thing by being able to accommodate them.

Summerlove Mon 23-Sep-19 11:09:08

I’m curious exactly how you are being “dismissed”, are they asking you not to over parent, or literally shoo-omg you out of the room ?

As far as your son taking over some parenting duties, that’s usuallg how it’s done these days, yes he’s tired, but so is the children’s mother. She’s been “working” all day too. It’s also an excellent time for the kids to get “daddy time”. He’s coming home with fresh eyes and new patience for them.

You are incredibly kind to allow them all to stay with you.

sarahellenwhitney Mon 23-Sep-19 11:37:03

My inlaws did this for H and self which was far from being a peaceful and happy time.
I now realise from your comments how my mil must have felt.Keep smiling which you say are managing to do, if only for the sake of your grandchildren who you admit 'love to see the babies' as time will soon pass when you will have your home to yourself.

Summerlove Mon 23-Sep-19 12:20:05

Let's take the plates to the kitchen, Daddy has been working hard, he will need a rest when he gets home

Oh please don’t teach more women and children that they have no value compared to a man. What a sad commentary sad

bluebirdwsm Mon 23-Sep-19 12:32:03

Me and my husband did this when we stayed with my grandmother waiting for a new build house to be finished. We had one son who was a toddler.

Initially we were staying for 4-6 weeks. The builder went bankrupt...we were there for 6 months. My husband was on strike for weeks on end so was home all day, I had a miscarriage, toddler son was very active and into everything, my grandmother was 70. It was stressful for us all. There were some words said, which we all regretted afterwards.

My point is that afterwards...not at the time, there was so much going on...I thought how much we put on my grandmother and how selfish we had been.

She had been so kind, so long suffering, and had given up her home and her peace to help us. I was eternally grateful afterwards and so very appreciative of her. I loved her all the more for being so tolerant and never, ever forgot her kindness.

I hope this happens in your case OP. Upon reflection when they are settled your relationships with each other will be deeper and full of respect for you and for the help you are giving. Bite your tongue and watch the days pass, it won't be forever. Just think how bonding the process is...even if it is trying your patience!

Hithere Mon 23-Sep-19 12:38:17

I agree witb Summerlove.

OP, while it is stressful now, you will miss them when they move.