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Adult child gets cruelly ditched...!

(25 Posts)
PurpleIris Wed 02-Oct-19 08:13:49

My adult son has been dumped out of the blue with no explanation.They were together for 7 years and had several pets together.She had two children from her ex husband and we've lost them too.We did so much together,holidays,shopping trips,days out,Christmasses,school plays and now it's all gone.I feel like we've all been dumped.My Son was given 48 hours to pack up and leave(She owned the house) and to take their 5,jointly acquired,pets with him.She then posted several indecent online photos and quotes clearly saying she had her lover coming round! She's been so heartless and cold.My son is coping ok and is a very positive soul.Ive lost sleep as I can't grasp the way she's acting and wake up thinking about it.They were together for so long and we thought they'd always be together.None of us are allowed to keep in contact with the children as she says " We have no legal rights or blood ties" We are all so hurt and it literally feels like a slap in the face 🙄 How do you cope or deal with an adult child whose been hurt like this? They are always our babies no matter how old they are.Thankyou for the moan,it's already helped..

Persistentdonor Wed 02-Oct-19 08:22:16

How very sad for you all. sad

EllanVannin Wed 02-Oct-19 08:32:23

Shocking and sad ! It'll take a long time to come to terms with what's happening and I can only tell you to take a day at a time in which to take it all in.
We seem to have a breed of cruel and vicious women at the present moment who don't seem to recognise a decent partner when they have one. I don't know what it is at all.

Marilla Wed 02-Oct-19 08:46:43

Over time, you will see that your son has had a very lucky escape.
It is terribly sad and it is natural to miss the children, having built up such a good relationship with them.
Be careful of how you project your feelings to your son. In your comments, there is a sense of “we” coming through, rather than your son. He is the one at the centre of this betrayal and he will trying to process his thoughts.
I would be thanking the heavens that your son did not have children with this woman.

sodapop Wed 02-Oct-19 08:47:31

That is really hard PurpleIris a difficult time for all of you. Maybe in time things will settle down and you will be able to see the children again. For now all you can do is support your son and try not to let things get too heated for the sake of the children. I hope things get better for you soon.

Daisymae Wed 02-Oct-19 08:54:46

Well, there's nothing you can do but accept the situation. Keep off of social media and support your son over the next few months. Have to accept that our children are adult and treat them as such. It's sad, but not uncommon. I would certainly keep out of the isn't she awful conversation, keep things calm and move on.

Hetty58 Wed 02-Oct-19 09:00:03

It's very common for relationships to end, seemingly unexpectedly and suddenly.

I would be sad, supportive and sympathetic but resist at all costs slagging off his ex. (take it from me - I know from bitter experience)

You see, there is a slim chance that they may reunite - and your name would forever be mud!

PurpleIris Wed 02-Oct-19 09:36:35

Thankyou all.There is a sense of "we" because that's the reality.My son has been dumped but we have also.My son is coping very well and his ex's unusual,trashy behaviour has surprised him and in an odd way is helping him move on.He works hard and loves his job and has many friends.Im thankful I don't have to worry about his mental health atm.I also know it's common and it happens but no one unless you've a heart of stone "just gets over it" Also my Son agrees that it's not just himself that's hurting but us all too.We are a close,but not interfering,family.Anything we did,if they wanted to join us too,we did as a united group.We loved the children and treated them as Grandchildren for a long time.It just hurts but I know and accept the facts.Its also still only been 5 months since my wonderful Dad passed and it's brought things back to the surface.I just needed a non judgemental moan anonymously 🙄

Luckygirl Wed 02-Oct-19 09:53:20

He is well rid of her by the sound of things.

Urmstongran Wed 02-Oct-19 10:57:10

It’s true that none of us know what goes on behind closed doors.

It is her house and your son moved into it 7 years ago. Perhaps she is looking for someone of an equal financial footing to her?

Her children are now 7 years older since your son moved in. People change. Maybe what she once thought of as sweet natured in your son she now thinks is low achieving?

Who knows. The fact that she has pushed the pets out as well as your son speaks volumes. She has definitely moved on for whatever reason.

SirChenjin Wed 02-Oct-19 12:57:58

What a shame - that's so sad and it must be very difficult for you all, your son especially obviously.

All you can do is be there for him and support him. As others have rightly said, try not to bad mouth her (although I'm sure you feel like doing exactly that) and try and keep a neutral distance. Will he still see the children? If so, could he let them know that you're missing them and thinking of them? It sounds as if you had a good relationship with her and that this is quite out of character, which must make it all the more difficult to understand.

I hope your son is OK in time - break ups can be miserable, and it's good he's got a support network around him.

Hithere Wed 02-Oct-19 13:34:55

Agree with urmstongran.

It is a very sad event.

lemongrove Wed 02-Oct-19 13:47:58

Just be there for him, don’t say much about his partner.
He will get over it in time, so all you can do is help in small ways.

PurpleIris Wed 02-Oct-19 17:56:25

Thankyou everyone.Im confused by the "equal footing" comment.The ex girlfriend owned her home after she broke up from her ex husband,her children's father,so obviously needed a secure home. My son contributed and earns plenty,that was never an issue. My son has been told not to see the children.He does have the older ones mobile number and is in touch but their mother wants us to leave them alone.So I feel we have to respect that as they're still youngish.I do feel that she must have been seeing someone else as we had noticed a few warning signs that now make sense.Its all very hurtful.Weve deleted her off all social media and don't feel the need to see what fun she's having or who with.It also means we can't make any flippant remarks that we may later regret.Weve just got to bow out gracefully 🙄

Almostemptynesty Wed 02-Oct-19 19:42:30

Ignore the mean people here. They always pop up.

Yes, it hurts. Of course it does.

However, good riddance to bad rubbish. He will find someone just as lovely or much better and you will have grandchildren who are blood and legal.

To all of you who wish to side with the ex; go away. You have missed the point.

Urmstongran Wed 02-Oct-19 20:08:21

I wasn’t ‘siding with the ex’ and I wasn’t being mean. I was giving my honest opinion. Trying to work out what her reason might be.

Sheesh. I’m off.

Good luck.

Hetty58 Wed 02-Oct-19 21:31:22

Bide your time PurpleIris. You may find that, once emotions aren't raw and things have settled down, you may have a chance to see the grandchildren again. Stay 'neutral'.

When my daughter split with her ex he was very upset and wouldn't even talk or set foot in the house, just came to collect my grandson.

She said once that he had no right to visits as he didn't pay maintenance. I firmly told her that my grandson deserved a relationship with his lovely dad and that money was an entirely different issue.

Suddenly, he wanted a paternity test (laughable as grandson is the image of him), when he'd spoken to a solicitor hostility increased and there were fights between the various siblings, who took sides. He once said it was too upsetting and he'd stay away until grandson was 16! I explained why that was a terrible idea.

Eventually, things calmed down. A few years later they both had new partners and now everyone is on friendly terms. My grandson stays with dad every other weekend and has a good relationship with stepdad and half-siblings too1

MawB Wed 02-Oct-19 21:46:44

I think it is entirely natural for a caring mother to feel hurt and angry on behalf of her adult child who has been dumped through no fault of their own.
From what you say, though, he is probably well out of this situation - however hurtful - just be there for him, in the background, but supportive.
Sh*t happens alas sad

Marilla Wed 02-Oct-19 22:02:19

Hetty58, the children are not PurpleIris’s grandchildren.
It is a heartbreaking situation as there is absolutely nothing she can do legally do to keep in touch with the children.

MawB Wed 02-Oct-19 22:08:05

Sadly it is true that you, your son and your family have no rights in respect of the ex’s children.
If you were to remain on good terms I suppose you might see them, but after what you say about how the relationship broke down, I would not hold out much hope.
Life can be very hard but sometimes things can ultimately turn out for the best.

grapefruitpip Thu 03-Oct-19 09:16:04

I am sorry you are going through this awful loss Purple.

Please don't take this badly but is there more to this than meets the eye? She throws him out and arranges the next one in 48 hours?
Your son put himself in a very vulnerable position.

Again, so sorry about this situation.

Hetty58 Thu 03-Oct-19 16:54:40

I realise that the children are not blood relatives. However, surely after seven years the two children have a strong relationship with their stepfather? If hostilities can be avoided (or minimised) they may well want to see him (and PurpleIris) once the dust settles. They're old enough to persuade their mother that access should resume.

Hetty58 Thu 03-Oct-19 17:02:49

On a brighter, more positive note, my daughter's ex comes from a much divorced and remarried family. My grandson is proud to have five grandmothers - and glad to get many birthday and Christmas presents!

moggie57 Thu 03-Oct-19 17:08:09

maybe this wont last and she will let you see children again.you can always send gift vouchers for special occasions.i wouldnt give up yet. let the dust settle......too much ,too soon...

PurpleIris Sat 05-Oct-19 22:36:08

Thankyou everyone for your lovely responses.I needed just to offload.
Sadly if we are not tied by blood we have no rights.My son has been in touch with the older child by mobile and is content with that.
Also my Son is being very positive and is really doing ok.Its now a week or 2 on from the dumping and emotions have settled.Im sure she already had met someone new and that's what powered her to be so heartless,guilty people act defensively!
Life moves on and sometimes the rug is pulled from under us.We are fine and the hurt isn't quite so raw.
Thankyou so much everyone.I don't feel so alone now. Have a pleasant Sunday 💐