Do people realise they can lose half their pension when they divorce

Find an experienced solicitor, who specialises in divorce/separation. Your husband sounds unreasonable and controlling, that never goes down well if things end up in Court. I suspect anything you pay to a good lawyer will be worth it when you finally settle.
A lawyer can advice whether separation, leaving him to try and divorce is one way forward.

I have to agree with Iam, you can do a lot of the admin work, collecting the information on who owns what, etc.,to keep the cost down, but it is false economy not to have a solicitor.

Move him into the spare room and ignore him ?Then just get on with your own life, find a good set of friends and a few hobbies. He may even get bored and stray ?

Definitely see a solicitor. The fact that you have paid the mortgage on your home and he has not contributed , may work in your favour, hopefully. Each case is different and getting a solicitor may cost money, but they can argue your case and get what you are legally entitled to , without the ex trying to confuse and bamboozle you for it to work in his favour. Same applies to your personal pension.
Best of luck getting rid of this drop kick of a man !

I genuinely sympathise, but here’s the bottom line.

If you want to live out the rest of your life free from someone else impacting it negatively, you need to get a divorce.

Imagine if you were in this situation and owned a less valuable property, you would have few options.

Get the divorce, buy a smaller but just as lovely property and enjoy the rest of your life.

Good luck.

This is only the guideline as a starting point and is very variable. If you built up any of your pension before you married or cohabited this may well be excluded. Please get legal advice soon.

Juel has expressed perfectly, just what I am thinking: life is too short to spend on regrets.

I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life with someone I didn’t want to be around. You can divorce, you just don’t want to give anything up. When I left my second husband 20 years ago I took out a loan to pay a deposit on a rented house and took nothing despite having a young child. But I couldn’t stay with him so it was very much worth it. I eventually got a small payout from the house but even if I hadn’t I wouldn’t regret it. Freedom is priceless.

Yes i agree with others,you must see a solicitor,its not just to hear what you already know,they know the ins/outs,and if theres a 'way round it' they can tell you.as i would think theres evidence somewhere(receipts maybe?)of his debts you already paid off im sure that would be weighed against any claim in court,it really is individually based on each couples circumstances,so please do take legal advice.I do sympathise though..hasn't this leach taken enough already?show lawyer any receipts/ agreements you've already paid for him and take it from there,and yes maybe legal separation maybe a better option,but you do need the lawyer.Good luck

I can understand your feelings. But I suppose the fact is there have been many women over the past couple of generations who sacrificed careers or worked in low paid jobs, in order to raise children. They had no chance of having their own pensions. So think the laws were put in place to help them. Times have changed, so perhaps the laws will change. But doesn't help you. I think you need to see a good solicitor, then sit down with potential figures and decide if you can afford the split. If you could afford it, but just begrudge the financial settlement, I think only then can you decide whether to sacrifice money for independence. Good luck. Lifes too short to be unhappy if you can do something about it.

I count myself lucky that my ex, although it was I who wanted a 'no fault' divorce, happily gave me the house and half of everything including his superior pensions.
No arguments.

You do need to have the details of all his debts and business failures that you have paid off before seeking further advice, which you should definitely do before taking further action.

I would go with meem on this one.
It can cause splits in familys as she/he says 'people may not divulge the details'.

My own finance 'negotiations' started out with my ex husband arguing I owed him money. This is after many years of giving up my career to look after our child and being the one who was unable to do paid work as someone had to do child care and be primary carer.

After struggling financially throughout our marriage it came to light he had concealed a very large pension payment from me. Even when we went to mediation he tried to fudge it and simply said he had 'forgotton' the documents he was required to show.

Finally when we got to court the judge told him he had got his maths wrong and I was entitled to fifty per cent of the house. However, more than ten years and I still haven't got it and wont' do for another few years.

I am absolutely certain he told just about everyone I was a 'gold digger'. And most believed him. I lost friends and family as a result.

I don't regret raising our child on my own effectively as he was emotional abusive. However I would say - go into the finance negotiations as truthfully as you can with all your ducks in a row on the documents. You may be pleasantly surprised by the judge. No one can predict what they are going to say beforehand.

I feel differently about a 'negotiated settlement'. As you can imagine. My advice would be if you are brave enough to go to court. Go ahead. Even my solicitor said there were small amounts of money. Sure, it wasn't millions but it was an awful lot of money to me. Especially as it meant effectively I raised a child with very little or no capital or financial security to fall back on. It is all very well saying to a single parent they can go to work, but with child care and todays world, you really need to be there for them and health wise, it is so difficult to find a job where you can do this.

Following on - you also need to be certain that he hasn't squirreled away any funds whilst he was running his businesses.

You wouldn't take medical advice from your husband. He's not an expert. Why do you believe his statements about your legal situation? Go, armed with all the information possible, and speak with an expert. It will be less expensive than the regrets you will feel from making an ill-informed decision.

Sadly, your fears are right, other than the clean break mentioned about. That wouldn’t cost you much less, if any less, though. A Judge has to approve it, and they have to agree that it is equitable.

My suggestion would be, forget about the divorce. Sell the house, give him half the proceeds (no getting away from that one unless you can persuade him to leave), buy a smaller place, and keep your pension. You will also save thousands from the legal costs of a divorce. Then, the ball is in your husband’s court. Would he start legal proceedings for a divorce? Would he be motivated enough? Would he be prepared to pay a couple of thousand up front? If he does (and most older blokes never do, it’s the women who take action), you are in no worse a position, since the equity in both properties (or the money he hasn’t done anything with yet) form part of the estate.

You’ll be fine in a smaller home, without the stress, and your cats won’t mind. You just need to get your head around the idea.

Good luck

Sorry may have got meems name wrong, not used to this forum yet. Don't mean to cause offence.

While I appreciate the equality argument, it was designed to protect the unpaid homemaker/parent, not to protect someone with failed businesses who shared extensive debts with spouse.

I worry that if sys2's mother has money to leave to sys, he may claim half of that too in the future, when his behaviour becomes intolerable. He thinks he's in a win-win, doesn't he?

You're trapped in a loveless marriage and are thinking of divorce. Before you move forward you would like some advice, would you:
A) Go to the internet and ask a bunch of strangers
or
B) Make an appointment with a qualified solicitor?

Do take legal advice on the likely split. 50:50 if everything is a starting point, particularly with long marriages. If you want to save your pension as part of any settlement you are probably going to have to find capital to transfer to him instead which may mean selling and giving him a greater share of your assets. He is likely to get combination of both capital and income out of marital property depending on settlement terms and his needs. If you owned the house in your own name before the marriage, this would be taken into account but not necessarily protected.

Unfortunately division of the assets and income is the price of freedom, and equality laws, intended to prevent detrimental treatment to wives who stayed at home with family responsibilities.
Doing nothing and staying in an unhappy marriage isn't an answer as he may divorce you and the finances would still be an issue praying on your mind. If you stand to inherit anything substantial from your mother you may wish to consider divorcing/ judicial separation before any inheritance adds to your assets.

Take advice and weigh up the cost of happiness/freedom. Or try to sort out the marital issues.

Its a minefield. You need the best legal advice you can get. Try & reach a settlement & get it signed up. Do not believe verbal promises. You will have to be clever don't let emotion cloud your thoughts and leave your legal papers with a trusted friend not where he can find it.i think coersive bullying is now grounds for divorce. Keep a diary of his behaviour, you may wish to take a good friend with you when you seek advice but they need to keep quiet in front of him. Gather as much documentary evidence you can now, your outgoings, his finances etc once he gets wind he'll get tricky and he will lie. You need to be several steps ahead. My first husband was cruel, he got all my savings (he wanted money for his new life) but I got our joint home plusmortgage no maintenance plus I brought up & educated our 3 children absolutely no financial help from him. He spent his money on himself and since I remarried he's written to demand half the value of my old home. But he won't speak to me. He wants more money and is convinced I owe him! He had nil when we wed.

I would go to see a solicitor to see exactly were the land lies , you might be pleasantly surprised .

Get professional advice.

Yes, my H’s ex got a solicitor to try and get my money, I paid the deposit on the house we bought together and she said she was entitled to half! My solicitor has a clause put in the deeds to the effect that H (we weren’t married then) hadn’t paid anything towards the deposit or any fees and it was solely my money that paid the deposit!
He agreed to pay her £90 per week which was the whole of my wages, yet she didn’t pay the rent, nearly got thrown out of the house. Didn’t buy any clothes for the kids and she nearly got sent to jail for not sending the boy to school. And, after 35 years, he still doesn’t think I know, but he used to take food parcels too. If I’d my time again I’d have told him where to go and stayed on my own. All the stress I’ve had in that 35 years has never been worth it. Should have listened to my mum, she said he was the wrong one for me!

I agree with Heather: Separate lives is the way to go. Don't let him stress you out.