Do people realise they can lose half their pension when they divorce

Totally get the point about the intention of the law to protect people who gave up paid work to look after kids.

It's a very emotional process, whichever way you look at it. Hopefully posting on here helps a bit. It's like there are two or more layers of it going on. The emotional bit. And the legal bit.

Re: the law on coercive control. The knowledge I have to date to offer is that yes, it does exist and financial abuse is part of it. However proving that is not necessarily a road you would choose to go down. The consensus amongst my contacts is that it is very difficult to prove. And if, what you really want is simply to start a new and better life, not necessarily what you would choose as a path.

Hi I divorced my first husband, (after over 25 yrs) I asked for the house and let him keep his pension ( a good one) - worked for me! His solicitor wasn't keen but I won! No going to court and no sol fees for me, as I took advantage of the half hour free meeting and set my cards out clearly to get confirmation I would get it.. But go to C.A.B they are great with info/explaining. Good Luck!

If your marriage is so unhappy would it not be worth finding out what he is entitled to and just making the break. I would rather live in a small house and be happy that sat in a large house wishing I was anywhere else in the world. I know you have earned all that money but your happiness is worth more than that.
I walked away from my first marriage and left everything behind. Just my suitcase and a couple hundred pounds. To me it was worth it.

Some solicitors will offer 30 minutes free for you to lay out the facts and see how you want to proceed. That's important to know.

I saw a solicitor in 2013 - 12 months after my husband moved out - to get some advice re divorce, an hour session was around £200 plus VAT, I believe. She did say I was entitled to half of his private pension at that time, but the costs of divorce - which she laid out in a letter - scared the bejasus out of me (set out in stages and thousands, I don't know where she got the idea I / he were worth so much) and I've buried my head in the sand for the last 6 years. When I broached matters with him recently (our son moved out of the jointly owned house and I'd like to get my husband out of my life) he said we shouldn't spend "thousands" on solicitors, we can sort it ourselves at a 50/50 split. Despite the deposit from the house coming from me (large work bonus) and my parents (when they sold their house). And money left to me by my Mum when she died, nearly two thirds of which went immediately to pay debts accumulated which he'd hidden from me (2 cars, 2 motorbikes, etc, I was horrified when I found out).

I actually called a solicitor this week to see how to proceed, waiting for them to call back, but please, OP, see a solicitor for some free (if they offer it) advice.

You need a solicitor. At one time the fact you had paid of his debts, paid all the mortgage would have been taken into account. If you can prove all that you did to sort out his finances solely from your own funds you may be allowed this to be set against his entitlement. You need to check it out professionally.

Happiness is more important than money

You certainly need good legal advice from a lawyer who is used to handling divorce.

There is no reason to assume that a controlling husband who probably doesn't want a divorce is correct in what he thinks is the law if you divorce.

It may be possible to get free legal advice through Citizens' Advice or some other agency. Please do look into that before deciding whether to ask for a divorce or not.

So sorry to hear you’re married to a control freak. I agree with shortlegs on this one. See a solicitor who specialises in divorce. Get the job done and enjoy your life. ?

I know from experience that divorce is costly - both financially and emotionally - as I divorced my cheating husband two years ago after a long marriage. After taking him to court and hearing the judge say we’d have another session about six months from then - which I certainly didn’t want - I decided to take the bull by the horns and, after taking advice from my solicitor, met my then husband on neutral territory to discuss the options. I did my homework and went armed. I knew he’d be planning to marry the woman he’d left me for, so I took advantage of that and told him I had no partner and depended on my occupational pension. I knew he’d rather give his right arm than give me even a tiny share of his pension, so I told him I didn’t want any of it. We agreed to sell the house and for me to get the lion’s share. Two years later, I have my own home - smaller, but mine outright - my monthly occupational pension intact, my choice of freelance work, and a pretty good sum in the bank. Most precious to me though is my freedom. Life’s far too short to spend it with someone who grinds you down, is a control freak, and has no respect for you but just wants you for what he can get. See a solicitor and go from there. By downsizing and moving to a different (cheaper) area, I save £60 a month in council tax alone. I’ve made new friends and there are lots of activities to get involved in.

Make sure you get a solicitor who specialises in these matters. The CAB should have a list of solicitors and their specialities and those who will give you a free session before you sign up.

My understanding is that if you divorce then yes he can claim half your pension but if you do not intend to marry someone else then just separate from him then I don’t think he has any claim

Don’t assume anything - find yourself a good solicitor and get their advice.

There are options, I really would advise you talk to a solicitor. My husband had a clean break divorce from his first wife so she could not access his pension, but took a larger share of the proceeds of the house sale as compensation. At the very least talk to Citizens Advice or look on their website, which is usually very detailed. Wishing you all the best

In my experience good solicitors are like hens teeth, they drag things out with no regard for your finances.Divorce certainly isn't cheap so be prepared to shell out around £20k if you go that route. You also have to do mediation another rip off in my experience at £180 for each person per session and you have 6 sessions. Divorce through the courts is by no means quick, mine took over two years from start to finish. So that's 2 years of uncertainty. By all means gather all the information you need before deciding if you really want to divorce. I can't see how separation alone is the answer to him not getting your pension as he could instigate divorce proceedings at any time.

Loosing half of your estate is a bitter pill to swallow. But why live like this if you are so unhappy. ?

This is a question for someone who may know, if someone takes their entire pension pot when they reach 55 as they are now entitled to do and then proceeds to spend the lot, can the ex still make any sort of a claim? I would be grateful if anyone has a view.

So sorry to hear of your situation. My OH and I have both gone through difficult divorces - my XH was controlling and manipulative and at times abusive physically to me. After a severe illness and hospitalisation I realised life was too short to carry on living like I was and finally got the strength to end it. He stripped our savings account and left me with additional debts and I couldn’t afford a solicitor but because of his behaviour I got help from a charity called Safer Places who use retired solicitors and he helped me through the whole divorce for free and was absolutely amazing. I had to fill out the forms and be on my own in court but he would guide me before each step. Also OH (who I met later in and is 1000 times better than XH) was told that his army pension wouldn’t be split in half - he had accrued it for ten years before his marriage and it was only assets accrued during the marriage that counted. Definitely worth getting advice and with the controlling behaviour do check out Safer Places and other charities. There is help out there

It's definitely not only assets accrued during marriage that are up for grabs. Also if the OP sold up and bought a property outright as stated in opening post was that property in joint names as that part isn't clear although as I found my property was in my sole name and bought and paid for over 10 years before meeting my ex was still up for grabs as were all pensions although some were negotiated out of the mix.
Nanny27 I believe that taking your lump sum unless spent doesn't exclude it from negotiations as my two private pensions were being drawn and I had to trade them out of negotiations against his army pension, allowing us both to keep those separate but his other pension was still up for grabs and I received half of that as a lump sum which allowed me to buy him out of the portion of my property he was awarded. So eventually I kept both my private pensions and held onto my house after some horse trading. He kept his army pension plus half his other pension and then got bought out of the house he'd never bought into.

Do you know anyone who has been divorced in the last few years? if so, discreetly talk to them about whether or not they would recommend their solicitor - always worth getting a good one to fight your corner. (A friend of mine who got a divorce typed out a Timeline - just a list by year - of the marriage, who had paid for what, etc. to take with her to her first meeting). Agree with others - you MUST get legal advice so that you know what your situation really is - it's only then that you can make a real decision, based on Facts not speculation (his and yours). Meanwhile, get copies of all your finances (and his when he's out of the house), so he can't hide anything - and, yes, make sure he's not hidden anything from his business debts). Yes, you may end up in a smaller house but so what? My guess is that you will be much happier and wonder why you ever hesitated. (Maybe it would help you to just see it as the price you have to pay for the mistake you made? We all make them - we're human). Then, when the dust has settled, maybe think about why you married him in the first place? What made you so vulnerable to him (was it, perhaps, something like a fear of being alone?) That will need to be addressed to make sure you don't fall into the same trap again. Good luck.

I have been trying to help/nag my D for five years now to get her finances sorted.
She and her H have been separated for all that time, he has lived with his new partner for most of that time.
They were married for 24 years and have 2 children , both late teens now.
My D worked for 8 years and then they went to live abroad with his job for three years , had a first child there, came back and had the second.
My D was out of the job market all that time but as he was a high earner they were ok.
He is living abroad again now and is still a high earner, his partner doesn't work and they live a very good life.
I help my D financially or she wouldn't cope.
His family are well off and F in his 90's can't live for many more years, in theory anyway.
He must have had advice not to divorce yet but
I can't think why.
It will certainly be to his financial advantage.
My D is too trusting, she still thinks he will do the right thing by her and the C.

You need to take legal advice, find a divorce lawyer who has teeth! You are entitled to a free initial consultation. Use this to give you a direction, you have a life too, go for it. Good luck.

Get expert legal advice advice!!! A close friend nearly lost half her pension to her ex (who had a bigger pension pot!) but it was decided in court (he wouldn't negotiate) that he didn't get that.

Every case is different so whatever we Gransnetters say we don't know all the ins and outs. Not sure why the clash with your mum is a reason to leave your marriage, unless you're so unhappy that any reason helps