I am just wrecked

Hold onto "He is much more relaxed and less anxious than he was at home with the cobbled-together care that he had."

So many wise words already written to you here. You have been under such stress and now that your husband is safe in a good home, this is a bit of an anticlimax for you. You had to keep going for his sake and now you have understandably collapsed. Go with the flow. Sleep all day if necessary and give yourself time and permission to heal. ???

All the time you were caring for you OH, you had a purpose in life. It drove you to push your mid and body to the limit and ignore the strain it put you under. Now with your purpose gone, you are just floating - no direction and just drifting from day to day. The care home, where I teach, utilises volunteers. Some do a couple of hours a week other do longer. I helps both the care home and the volunteers. There are charity shops everywhere who rely on volunteers and it gives the volunteers a purpose. Also try to find a tai chi class - the gentle exercise will help your body recover and the breathing exercises will relax your mind. The class environment forms new friendships. And, if you need an additional purpose, once you have learnt you can pass on your knowledge to the local U3A or the care home where your partner is. The oldest instructor I have taught is 95 and teaches twice a week and i have a 75 year old instructor teaching 4 times a week . Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed.

I am with Hetty here.
I may have said as much on previous threads, I certainly said it to a friend, it isn't all over when our loved ones go into care.
A different journey is beginning.
I felt and still feel tremendous guilt, we know what we did was for the best, but whose best? Ours or theirs?

The financial side is difficult, I got some help fron SS but a huge sum went to pay for care in spite of my H's multiple illnesses.

Visiting on a very regular basis is so emotional, it all has to be planned into several days a week so any thoughts of freedom to do other things , long neglected, are difficult and sad to say other people's lives have moved on and continuity is lost.
I have a couple of really good friends who keep the faith wifh me but othets have drifted away because they don't understand.
I hated leaving my H when I visited so more guilt.

Now he has died I can't get motivated to move on, it seems pointless, I am an old woman and must accept my limitations.
You are comparatively young Luckygirl, give yourself time to mourn your lost life, accept it, and get help to move on while knowing your H is happy and settled.

Lucky, thinking of you and hoping you can rest and build up your strength. ?????

I'm going through something similar myself although my husband is not happy and wants to come home. I can't cope with him anymore, he has turned very nasty and says I've done the most terrible things to people, which is very upsetting and hurtful. He says I do nothing for him and never have when my life has been spent looking after him, he can do hardly anything for himself. Battling for NHS funding now, but Age UK have some good information leaflets, as do Alzheimer's, and SS cannot take your family home into account for finances if the partner is still living in it. Good luck with your battles Lucky I know how stressful it all is. X

I have had a bad year health wise a death and a husband who isn’t easy. Went to doctors many times. Anyhow diagnosed as depression and on tablets. What surprised me that all the physical symptoms are disappearing. It surprised me that you could feel so physically ill with depression. As has been said the tank is dry and I and you must look after ourselves. Good luck in future.

Luckygirl - your feelings are not unnatural, you are grieving for a time when your life was different (hence not being able to go into your old bedroom). You are grieving for the feelings you once had, and for your previous identity. This is a frequent outcome for people who have been devoted in caring for a loved one, and then suddenly found themselves without the daily routine of care that has kept them functioning for years. Most carers suffer physically (as well as mentally) and the reason is that the stress of the day-to-day grind of the responsibility and the constant battle with various agencies and support services that are supposed to work in harmony but don't, causes stress which in turn raises the cortisol levels, affects sleep patterns and lowers immunity. Your immunity is compromised although you may not see it. I give you this information as a psychotherapist and grief counsellor but also as someone who has nursed her mother with multiple medical problems including advanced dementia at home for many years until her recent death. You have to introduce things into your life that can help your identity to change, you have to recognise the need for self-care, take vitamins and make the effort to go out for a short brisk walk every day and then build on that. Your stamina and motivation for life will improve. I wish you luck with this. You have served your OH well and are continuing to do so with all the behind the scenes activity regarding funding that he will probably never appreciate as a huge stressor for you. Look after yourself a bit more.

Not quite the same situation but I think the feelings are much the same .
My very disabled daughter went into a care home when she was 19 .It was her choice as she wasn’t happy being at home full time after having a full social life when she was a weekly boarder at school .
I felt totally lost . So much of my week was organised around her coming home and spending the weekend and holidays with us . I found myself wandering round the house crying .
She is 40 now and still in the same brilliant care home where she is very happy and comes home every second weekend and that suits both of us .
This may sound a bit daft but how about fostering a dog ? There is an organisation called the Cinnamon Trust that needs people to either foster dogs or walk them when their owners are struggling to care for them .It may give you a new focus to your day , a reason for getting out of bed and a new circle of friends and if it’s not for you it’s easy to back out of the arrangement .

annsixty said it all, a massive adjustment, not easy and it will take some time for the emotional and physical aspects to settle a little.

My goodness! You have coped so well. Like others have said I hope you will be kind to yourself now as well as to your husband and family. Your body seems to be crying out for you to do so. I am so very sorry you feel so unwell and wonder if you have tried listening to meditation and relaxation tapes or CDs. They give the mind rest that translates to the over stressed body. Maybe your doctor can recommend some.
I had mine from a hypnotherapist who was helping me with weight control at the time, and I was eating to relieve stress.
They have certainly helped me and I use the techniques to help with atrial fibrillation which can kick off at times of stress. You can lie on the bed with ear buds in and - that lovely phrase- go with the flow for a while. I hope for mental refreshment and easier times ahead for you.
The tip to take a CAB person with you to discussions about your husband's care was a practical one, or maybe Age UK can help? Age UK helped me with forms and applying for things when my Mum needed me.
Time to take care of yourself I feel, and your body is trying to make you do it.

You have masses to deal with, no wonder you're not feeling yourself. However much we know decisions like the one you made are for the best - and that's been borne out by how your OH has settled in - there is always accompanying guilt. And no matter what people say or what you know, that's going to go right on being in your head for a while.
Then you've had a kind of bereavement - the reasons you got up each day are no longer part of your routine, and that takes adjusting to. Plus, as others have said, you've been running on adrenaline and now your body needs to adjust to your new daily life.
Plus you obviously are under a lot of stress with the funding for your OH's care.
I think the first step is understanding and accepting why you feel the way you do, rest and look after yourself for a little while and when you feel up to it maybe join a club or the WI or U3A to give you some social life?
Has the gp offered any practical help at all?

May I second everything which has been said. You are starting a new journey and maybe it's a mini bereavement. Treat yourself like spun glass. Listen to music. Find something beautiful to look at every day even if it's a rose petal or a fallen leaf.

Don’t forget...the Social Services are not supposed to be asking you to pay as you don’t need the care, he does. . Put savings and everything financial in your name. If they ask you about your ability to pay...remind them that it is not you that needs care. They can only make a charge against his share.
They cannot make you sell a home that you are living in.
We know what they are like as we struggled to get ‘ continuing care ‘ for my relative, who had Prostate and lung Cancer, and couldn’t walk or feed himself. I think they were hoping that he would go down to the job centre.

Hi at Luckygirl, I really feel for you. What you seem to be experiencing is the end of an era, you have shared so many memories in your home, it feels like an empty nest.
I felt like this when I refused to take my husband home from hospital, he had primary brain tumour plus a secondary. I could not manage him at home, he was a big man, and would he go on a commode or wheelchair, bed downstairs would he heckerslike. I was exhausted. So when he had a big convulsion I decided, shall I take him home for the battle of wills and bickering, or me go home, sleep shower refreshed and happy to see him. Anyway enough of my saga and back to you. Would you consider counselling? I went, and I would recommend it to anyone. It is confidential, you chat for an hour and boy do you off load, I felt great afterwards. I had only four sessions. Your GP can refer you, MacMillans do it, although I don’t know the nature of your husband’s illness/medical history. Or you can pay private £40 to £60 per hour. Hypnotherapy is also good, in fact better, they give you coping strategies and a disc etc to listen to a lovely guided meditation. Or you may need this downtime to get comfortable with living on your own. Don’t be afraid to reach out, the help is out there. It’s good to talk. Do keep in touch. Sending hugs.xx

I think it is simply that when you are coping with massive strain you just keep going, your own health and well-being never get s a thought. But when even a little of that strain is lifted your body says , I need some help here , and sort of gives itself permission to show how that strain has affected it. Really, really look after yours using some of the brilliant advice from previous GN’s. ?

Our bodies and minds are remarkable. They often keep going under intense stress and stress. We are not machines though, so once the source of the stress has gone and we no longer ‘have to cope’, the effects hit us and it’s normal to feel ill and exhausted for a while.

Just pay attention to what your body and mind need. Rest, recuperate and you will feel better after a while.

I think you are grieving as well for the loss of your husband as he used to be and realising that your marriage as you know it is over. It is time to make a life for yourself now once you have the energy to do that but I know it will be very hard for you to do. I am sure that very slowly you will begin to feel better especially as your husband is being well looked after and is happy where he is.

Luckygirl
Oh bless you, you poor girl, you are absolutely exhausted! Your body held out as far as it could while you did all the work needed to keep your husband comfortable while he was at home and now he is comfortable in a good place which you have done so well to find for him - well, your body has just reached exhaustion point and is saying you need a good rest. The tears may be as much exhaustion as unhappiness. Please do not give in to that miserable false guilt feeling about your husband not being at home. He needs to be looked after by more than one person in a place with all the facilities specialised for his care. You have done wonderfully for him, giving him the best situation for his life so that the quality of his life is really good.

It is natural to grieve for those days when you were both younger and able bodied and he was there at home. I think the surge of grief you feel at being unable to enter his old room is this. Please be gentle with yourself and very patient. You need to allow yourself time to go through this, but always remembering it will pass, you will grow strong again and you will begin to feel good about everything to do with the way you cared for your husband. You are a wonderful, caring and loving wife and have given your husband every opportunity to be as happy as possible in a safe and stimulating environment where he feels comfortable. That is a very generous thing to do, an act of truly unselfish love. Don't let these human fearful pangs let you forget that what you have done is completely right and for the best. Had the situation been reversed, you would have wanted him to do the same for you.

If the tears go on for too long, please talk to your GP. He/she may suggest a change of medication or increase of dose or they may be able to offer Counselling. I would love to hear that you had a good Counsellor, but I do know there are waiting lists for these today.

Well done for all the wonderful loving care and self-sacrifice you have made for your husband. Now take care of yourself please. Plenty of rest. Little indulgences. No hard work. A gentle life at least for a month or two.

God bless you dear girl. I send you lots of love, Elle xx ? ? ??☕️

You may have already considered accessing support / counselling. If you haven't the NHS provides this service through IAPT; that is Improving Access to Psychological Services. Your GP Surgery should be able to tell you how to do this. In many parts of the country you can access this service by self referral. You may have to wait though. It seems to me you are experiencing an understandable reaction to a very stressful life situation; talking it through wont change what has happened but could lift your spirits.

Some excellent advice from other posters. I was in the same situation some years ago when all attempts to keep my seriously ill husband at home failed and he went into a nursing home. The grief for the loss of our life together was overwhelming and felt like a bereavement, or at least an amputation. The grief and the guilt I felt made me physically ill for several weeks. So yes, you must be stressed and exhausted from caring for your husband but don’t underestimate the impact of your emotions on your physical health. Be kind to yourself.

Have you been back to your GP to see about adjusting the antidepressant? It’s clearly not working. It’s possible that talking therapy may also help.

As others have suggested, take time for yourself and try not to be hard on yourself - easier said than done I realise.

I really do feel for you. If your GP is not empathetic then see someone else if possible until you find the right one.

Look, it isn't yet a month since your husband moved into the care home. You are bound to be exhausted. You have serveral years of looking after him behind you and all the hassle of finding a care-home, moving him into it and finding out who is paying for it.

Emotionally, too, this feels like the end of your marriage, it isn't, you know, but it doesn't surprise me that you cannot go into what used to be your and his bedroom without crying.

Please, get as much rest as you can and DON'T feel guilty, which I know is easier said than done. In a while I hope you will be able to find some good things about this new phase of your life. Even now, you know it is best for your husband, and when you are less tired and sad, I feel sure you will feel it is better for you too than wearing yourself out caring for him.

We can only do so much, and you have clearly done everything you can.

You are not alone but one of many myself included who did their best but to who comes a time when our best will not be enough and DH care, reluctantly, as you will be feeling has to be in the hands of others.What will add to the strain is, and seems clear, who is to fund the care that will fulfil his needs.This is to my mind what is weighing most heavily on you and until you can get satisfaction is why you are feeling the way you do.You have been informed of temporary funding pending further assessment this in itself
is not helping matters in the way you are feeling.it might be worth talking to H GP who will be able to guide you where funding for H care may come from.

It's almost as if your body is going into rest mode after all the physical and mental stress you have had. You need to take time to allow adjustment to new regimes. Try not to think too much about assessments etc others are responsible to ensure they are carried out. Take time to enjoy your visits to DH and take comfort from knowing he has settled and enjoying the care home.