I am just wrecked

Don’t forget...the Social Services are not supposed to be asking you to pay as you don’t need the care, he does. . Put savings and everything financial in your name. If they ask you about your ability to pay...remind them that it is not you that needs care. They can only make a charge against his share.
They cannot make you sell a home that you are living in.
We know what they are like as we struggled to get ‘ continuing care ‘ for my relative, who had Prostate and lung Cancer, and couldn’t walk or feed himself. I think they were hoping that he would go down to the job centre.

May I second everything which has been said. You are starting a new journey and maybe it's a mini bereavement. Treat yourself like spun glass. Listen to music. Find something beautiful to look at every day even if it's a rose petal or a fallen leaf.

You have masses to deal with, no wonder you're not feeling yourself. However much we know decisions like the one you made are for the best - and that's been borne out by how your OH has settled in - there is always accompanying guilt. And no matter what people say or what you know, that's going to go right on being in your head for a while.
Then you've had a kind of bereavement - the reasons you got up each day are no longer part of your routine, and that takes adjusting to. Plus, as others have said, you've been running on adrenaline and now your body needs to adjust to your new daily life.
Plus you obviously are under a lot of stress with the funding for your OH's care.
I think the first step is understanding and accepting why you feel the way you do, rest and look after yourself for a little while and when you feel up to it maybe join a club or the WI or U3A to give you some social life?
Has the gp offered any practical help at all?

My goodness! You have coped so well. Like others have said I hope you will be kind to yourself now as well as to your husband and family. Your body seems to be crying out for you to do so. I am so very sorry you feel so unwell and wonder if you have tried listening to meditation and relaxation tapes or CDs. They give the mind rest that translates to the over stressed body. Maybe your doctor can recommend some.
I had mine from a hypnotherapist who was helping me with weight control at the time, and I was eating to relieve stress.
They have certainly helped me and I use the techniques to help with atrial fibrillation which can kick off at times of stress. You can lie on the bed with ear buds in and - that lovely phrase- go with the flow for a while. I hope for mental refreshment and easier times ahead for you.
The tip to take a CAB person with you to discussions about your husband's care was a practical one, or maybe Age UK can help? Age UK helped me with forms and applying for things when my Mum needed me.
Time to take care of yourself I feel, and your body is trying to make you do it.

annsixty said it all, a massive adjustment, not easy and it will take some time for the emotional and physical aspects to settle a little.

Not quite the same situation but I think the feelings are much the same .
My very disabled daughter went into a care home when she was 19 .It was her choice as she wasn’t happy being at home full time after having a full social life when she was a weekly boarder at school .
I felt totally lost . So much of my week was organised around her coming home and spending the weekend and holidays with us . I found myself wandering round the house crying .
She is 40 now and still in the same brilliant care home where she is very happy and comes home every second weekend and that suits both of us .
This may sound a bit daft but how about fostering a dog ? There is an organisation called the Cinnamon Trust that needs people to either foster dogs or walk them when their owners are struggling to care for them .It may give you a new focus to your day , a reason for getting out of bed and a new circle of friends and if it’s not for you it’s easy to back out of the arrangement .

Luckygirl - your feelings are not unnatural, you are grieving for a time when your life was different (hence not being able to go into your old bedroom). You are grieving for the feelings you once had, and for your previous identity. This is a frequent outcome for people who have been devoted in caring for a loved one, and then suddenly found themselves without the daily routine of care that has kept them functioning for years. Most carers suffer physically (as well as mentally) and the reason is that the stress of the day-to-day grind of the responsibility and the constant battle with various agencies and support services that are supposed to work in harmony but don't, causes stress which in turn raises the cortisol levels, affects sleep patterns and lowers immunity. Your immunity is compromised although you may not see it. I give you this information as a psychotherapist and grief counsellor but also as someone who has nursed her mother with multiple medical problems including advanced dementia at home for many years until her recent death. You have to introduce things into your life that can help your identity to change, you have to recognise the need for self-care, take vitamins and make the effort to go out for a short brisk walk every day and then build on that. Your stamina and motivation for life will improve. I wish you luck with this. You have served your OH well and are continuing to do so with all the behind the scenes activity regarding funding that he will probably never appreciate as a huge stressor for you. Look after yourself a bit more.

I have had a bad year health wise a death and a husband who isn’t easy. Went to doctors many times. Anyhow diagnosed as depression and on tablets. What surprised me that all the physical symptoms are disappearing. It surprised me that you could feel so physically ill with depression. As has been said the tank is dry and I and you must look after ourselves. Good luck in future.

I'm going through something similar myself although my husband is not happy and wants to come home. I can't cope with him anymore, he has turned very nasty and says I've done the most terrible things to people, which is very upsetting and hurtful. He says I do nothing for him and never have when my life has been spent looking after him, he can do hardly anything for himself. Battling for NHS funding now, but Age UK have some good information leaflets, as do Alzheimer's, and SS cannot take your family home into account for finances if the partner is still living in it. Good luck with your battles Lucky I know how stressful it all is. X

Lucky, thinking of you and hoping you can rest and build up your strength. ?????

I am with Hetty here.
I may have said as much on previous threads, I certainly said it to a friend, it isn't all over when our loved ones go into care.
A different journey is beginning.
I felt and still feel tremendous guilt, we know what we did was for the best, but whose best? Ours or theirs?

The financial side is difficult, I got some help fron SS but a huge sum went to pay for care in spite of my H's multiple illnesses.

Visiting on a very regular basis is so emotional, it all has to be planned into several days a week so any thoughts of freedom to do other things , long neglected, are difficult and sad to say other people's lives have moved on and continuity is lost.
I have a couple of really good friends who keep the faith wifh me but othets have drifted away because they don't understand.
I hated leaving my H when I visited so more guilt.

Now he has died I can't get motivated to move on, it seems pointless, I am an old woman and must accept my limitations.
You are comparatively young Luckygirl, give yourself time to mourn your lost life, accept it, and get help to move on while knowing your H is happy and settled.

All the time you were caring for you OH, you had a purpose in life. It drove you to push your mid and body to the limit and ignore the strain it put you under. Now with your purpose gone, you are just floating - no direction and just drifting from day to day. The care home, where I teach, utilises volunteers. Some do a couple of hours a week other do longer. I helps both the care home and the volunteers. There are charity shops everywhere who rely on volunteers and it gives the volunteers a purpose. Also try to find a tai chi class - the gentle exercise will help your body recover and the breathing exercises will relax your mind. The class environment forms new friendships. And, if you need an additional purpose, once you have learnt you can pass on your knowledge to the local U3A or the care home where your partner is. The oldest instructor I have taught is 95 and teaches twice a week and i have a 75 year old instructor teaching 4 times a week . Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed.

So many wise words already written to you here. You have been under such stress and now that your husband is safe in a good home, this is a bit of an anticlimax for you. You had to keep going for his sake and now you have understandably collapsed. Go with the flow. Sleep all day if necessary and give yourself time and permission to heal. ???

Hold onto "He is much more relaxed and less anxious than he was at home with the cobbled-together care that he had."

You have been through the mill and still have more concerns to sort so it is no wonder that you are feeling the way you do. Although it is a relief that your husband is now in a home where he is well looked after and happy, you have now gone from being busy at home to being on your own with little to do. When you go in the bedroom and he is not there it is like a bereavement.

Is it possible that you could get some counselling? I would also recommend trying a walking group - often GP surgeries can recommend one. You walk and talk or not talk as you feel like, get fresh air and exercise and it can make you feel better physically and mentally.

So sorry you feel like this. It sounds as if you are grieving for the life you had. Is there any chance that the two of you could live together in the home? It always seems so wrong that couples who have been together for decades end up having to live apart. Whatever the solution, love and all good luck to you.

It is so very hard, but one day at a time and you will come through it.?

My husband used to suffer with cluster migraines brought on by stress - they didn't happen while he was going through the problems but after they were over when he could relax. This is just the same for you. You have coped all this time carrying on as you've had to without thinking about your own health. Now you are able to relax more (albeit not from a financial view yet) your body is reacting and telling you to rest - take notice of it. It will take time to adjust to your new life and the burden of care which has been lifted off your shoulders - be gentle on yourself

Luckygirl (((hugs)))
Others have said well what I would have said.

After a not very good two years and then a really awful three months before DH died I hadn't had time to think how stressed I was. The first thing that happened was that the pain in my arthritic hip which had made me wonder if I could keep struggling upstairs to him vanished almost over night. I had a bit of stomach trouble for a couple of weeks, as if my body was reorganising itself and I had a nasty attack of vertigo which I hadn't had for a long time. I've found the best thing is to do as much as I feel like doing. If I feel like going out for lunch - fine. If all I want to do is lie on the sofa with a cup of tea for the afternoon that's fine too. Life is gradually reaching a sort of balance.

Luckygirl, I noticed (on the earlier thread) a lot of comments along the lines of 'Once he's settled in, you can relax'. I thought they were unrealistic and unhelpful.

You have a lot of adjusting to do. You almost have a new identity. You don't live as part of a couple now, but alone, as an individual. You are no longer a main carer, but a visitor. Your worries haven't disappeared, just changed in focus. So it goes on and you have to look after yourself.

One thing you can do now is to think differently, though. You can spend some time on your own interests without the worry about care. Maybe choose one day per week. You could start something new. I know you feel exhausted but there's so much truth in the saying 'A change is as good as a rest'. Anything that shifts the focus to another subject for a time really helps. Consider joining a club, a class or group.

Luckygirl, you have been doing so much, for so long and, still, the stress goes on. No wonder you're flumped. I can only add my own virtual hug to what everyone else has said, together with a suggestion that you try using the Bach Flower Remedies for a week or two.

They will do no harm in conjunction with other, prescribed, medicines and may do some good. I realise there are those who will pour scorn on this suggestion but I can only testify that they have helped me at times of stress and crisis.

Based on what you've told us, I'd suggest you could try a mixture of Oak, Beech and Olive. Olive, in particular, is very helpful when you're burnt out and exhausted.

They're often available in large pharmacies and health food shops or by post from www.Ainsworths.com
?

Luckygirl get someone from Citizens advice to go to your appointment with you ,my daughter took someone from there with her to her PIP appeal and it made a huge difference .Like you she was at the end of her tether and brain fog from her condition meant she found things hard to explain.One meeting with a lovely man from CA when he took all her details onboard and could answer for her and he managed to get her the result she wanted.She needed to be in receipt of ONE benefit to get her blue badge for her car .She got it.Good luck with your appointments and best wishes for a more peaceful stress free time ahead .

the physical effects of mental strain can be enormous.
From headache, backache, fatigue and anxiety but depression is perhaps the worst.

Be kind to youself. You are still going through a lot.

Luckygirl, Hugs to you.
I read your post and then the replies, and as I was thinking what to put, I found that it had already been said by the wise and friendly GN's before me.
So I can only reiterate that you must just 'go with the flow', and take one baby step at a time.
Your DD has made a cosy, warmer room for you, so take to your nest and rest as much as you need. You have been through the mill and it is all your body's reaction to the strain and stress.