One way street for hospitality meal in ites

I have a dearly loved friend of 30 + years . I would say she is my best friend ...but , in all those years I have never had a meal at her home . I once had a cup of tea and a jam sandwich when I locked myself out but that is it .
In the early days , before the advent of the coffee shop , she would turn up at my house , always early at least twice a week. I never went to hers . Coffee shops meant she didnt come to mine anymore for coffee but she has been for meals , parties, dinners , Christmas, weddings etc etc .
A few years ago it began to upset me and I stopped inviting her to meals but still met for coffee.
I know she hates hosting, cant cook , doesnt have a tidy home etc and I understand we are all very different.
I've got over that now and just let things be as they are and have been and no doubt will be forever more !

I too understand why a lot of people get very panicked if they have to cook for other than their family members. I'm a bit like that myself - and when you're cooking larger than usual amounts, I find dishes don't always turn out as well as they normally do. BUT if I/we don't wish to cook, I/we will at a later date invite friends out for a meal and pay for it - not necessarily on a strictly reciprocal basis but at least as near as possible.

I think what cannotbelieve..... says they do is, in my view anyway, also perfectly acceptable - to make some sort of contribution to the catering and help in more practical ways. Also the friends to whom she refers appear to be old friends with whom they have shared many happy times.

I think with longstanding friends, we have an understanding of what is and is not OK. Lately, a couple of our friends are less interested in, or confident about, cooking. But we have known them for many years and understand how they feel. It is not an issue for us and we are quite happy to cook for them without expecting them to do likewise.

The friends I was previously talking about have only come back on the scene in the last four years or so and I find it difficult to be so accepting of their expectations that we will host them on each of their visits to the UK - and as to the husband's remark that "it's much nicer to eat at home - so much more relaxing", I think "Yes, for you maybe but not for us."

I know how you feel except I am on the other end of the relationship. We have dear friends with whom we spend quite a bit of time, especially in the warmer months. They are the consummate hosts. Welcoming, relaxed, it seems they truly enjoy hosting. We have been to their home 20 times at least over the last few years. Its usually not just our family but others as well. We do however, bring an overabundance food to share (they are always teasing us for it), drinks, desserts, outdoor toys for all the kids, treats for kids, do dishes, man the grill, play lifeguard for the pool and make crystal clear to them how grateful we are for having such great friends and how much we enjoy their company.

We had them to our house last weekend (which went very well) for the 2nd time. The reason is that our house is really not set up for company. It on the smaller side, we have two dogs, I really just don't enjoy it very much.

The situation seems to work for us.

Oh Eloethan your husband's friend does sound very entitledm they should at least reciprocate and pay for a meal out with you. When we come to England the boot is on the other foot because most of the family expect to go out for a meal and for us to pay for it. It would be nice to sometimes have a home cooked meal. One son in law always insists on paying when we go out as he says they dont often see us.

I’m just off tennis. I play with myDH and two friends.
We’ve played for years and have had supper/dinner many many times.
Always at either our or M’s house.
We are couples, the other friend is single.
We have biggish kitchen/diners, she has a small kitchen.
We enjoy cooking, she doesn’t.
All understandable but occasionally I get a bit irritated.
Wee have discussed it, but an invite never arrives, she always accepts an invitation. She never buys tennis balls either!
However apart from this she is a lovely person, does charity work and is good company. We all have our foibles.

We’ve decided to ask them all round again later this month.

It's as hoc so for some reason it's always at your place? Possibly then it just feels natural and unforced. I think you are right, you want to continue the friendship so plan to eat out more often. That should balance things up. Friends are hard to find and relationships need nuturing.

I don't think it's uncommon, OP. Some people just can't be bothered to cook, or don't want to spend extra money on food.
Only the other day my very sociable dd mentioned friends, a couple, who regularly call round and are almost always asked to stay to eat. Dd and her equally sociable dh have never once been invited to theirs for a meal.
I don't think dd's too bothered, it won't stop her asking them, but she does find it odd.

Bradfordlass sorry about your friend

Oh that would annoy me too Eloethan. But I can't think how you would get out of paying..

A couple we know are like this - the man is my husband's friend from his teenage years.

They come to the UK once or twice a year. Every time, we either cook a meal for them at home or we go out for a meal - and often take them out and about in the car too. The husband says "home made food is so much nicer" and never suggests us going out, so when we sometimes say we'll eat out this time, it is accepted that we pay for it.

I'm not fussy about being strictly reciprocal -I think we probably more often have friends for a meal than the other way round. However, to always expect us to cook a meal or pay for a meal out is, I think, presumptuous and discourteous. It isn't really about the money - I wouldn't mind if they at least offered to pay - it's the sense of entitlement that annoys me.

They are, by the way, very comfortably off - travelling to various parts of the UK and Europe during the few weeks that they are based here.

Do you ever just drop in at her house? The reason I ask is I myself hate hosting, the planning and execution of a dinner party literally reduces me to a mindless mess, but if someone drops by I can function enough to do coffee and cake. Maybe she is like that, or maybe she thinks you enjoy having her over. I don’t understand the whole reciprocal thing. On the odd occasion we do have people over I don’t expect them to bring anything and I don’t do it with the expectation that they will invite us back. And yes we do sometimes have people over lol but my husband writes me a detailed plan of how the evening will go and he cooks.

Bradford Lass - so sorry to read about your friend.

Retired Travel - I wouldn't worry about this. If you enjoy the friendship it doesn't really matter, does it? If it bothers your husband I should arrange to meet your friend outside both your homes and split the cost of the meal.

Thank you all.

I definitely would never feel comfortable suggesting we eat at her home. If I have to put her arm up her back I'd rather just accept I have to 'get over it' "or stop inviting her.
We do eat out too but there's many occasions when its been ad hoc so I'm not talking big fancy meals all the time but it just seems natural to say 'crikey is that the time feel free to stay and have a bite with us'. It's always accepted and it's lovely chat.
We are all different and I do want to sustain the friendship so I'm going to just book restaurants but not make any big statement about it..

Or don't have meal type meet-ups, try cake and tea or beer and crisps.

To my mind the idea of meeting up with a friend is for both people to enjoy themselves. I dont like cooking meals and it stresses me out, which means if I host then I dread the visit rather than look forward to it. I put this dilemma to one of my friends and she fell about laughing and said she felt just the same. We now always eat out when we meet, or sometimes get a take away.

Another friend likes to invite half a dozen people round to her house about once a month for a fish and chip supper. We pay for our own orders and the visitors take drink so there is no need for any reciprocation. Its good fun, informal and no work for anyone.

I would assume your friend is a reluctant host and switch to meals out or take away, then you can continue to see her.

I think we misjudge this - I have friends who are posher than me, who have more money than me and who are tidier/cleaner than me. They all seem to forget and forgive the same as me - why wouldn’t you, as a friend?

That's it in a nut shell notanan2

I know how to cater for people. I just dont enjoy it. Would rather go to a restayrant

I always meet my friends for lunch out, apart from two occasions when I was invited to eat at their houses. They have large, very beautiful homes whereas mine is a tiny terrace with stuff everywhere and, as has been suggested, I would be a little embarrassed to reciprocate. This does make me feel bad, but not half as bad as the stress I would have by inviting them here. By the way they are lovely and not judgemental, it’s just me!

Like others have said I used to love entertaining. Age and ill health can lessen the ability to do things as we used to.
Someone mentioned discussing price rises. Might be an idea.

8 for dinner tonight in our house.

The trick? Good planning and relax?. The idea is to enjoy the company and have a jolly time.

My next one will be Thanksgiving. Any excuse really.

Yes, I think I know what you mean there.In the past we had dinner parties usually for about six people, and the pressure was greater to get things right.I have never minded inviting another couple for a meal though, at any time, even now we do this regularly ( I say ‘we’ but it’s actually me wot does the work.)

No lemongrass I like having people to stay and feed em but its less formal or pressured I feel than having someone come specifically for dinner

Lots of good advice on here, but am surprised at how many don’t like cooking meals for others.
We have friends and relatives who come here usually for around three days at a time to stay, and we go to them at other times.Obviously this involves a few main meals and sometimes lunches ( breakfasts are easy ) so this must mean that you can never have friends to stay with you?

My sister-in-law, though a people lover, can never invite others to her home. We went once when she was ill, uninvited, and it is a lovely home to be proud of BUT though she accepts hospitality she totally lacks confidence and cannot even invite us, from overseas, for a cup of coffee. Rather sad! We don't understand but we don't take offense even though she stays with us for extended periods.