Funerals

You're not alone FlyingSolo- Many feel the same-

My neighbour only found out after her mum died that she didn’t want undertakers involved in her funeral. They managed it but as it was some years ago, it was a struggle to find out where to buy the coffin, transport the body, what legalities were required etc.

If you want to do something like this it’s only fair to warn your family. Her parents were both heavy drinkers and had been throughout her childhood so she wasn’t close to them which made it harder. I think she was infuriated that they were still causing trouble even after they died.

Having set up and run a gynae cancer group I attended lots of different funerals from conventional C of E, Methodist, my favourite was a happy clappy service with an American pastor. It seemed like a scene from a tv drama but her family were pleased with it and that’s all that mattered.

Like many others here, I discussed this with my family.

I didn't want a service but they did.
They'll be here - I won't, so why should my selfish wishes get in the way of their grieving process?

I love them too much for that and it's going to be hard enough on them as it is.

BradfordLass72, I suppose that is different if you have a loving family who have told you that they need that funeral to grieve. I find it hard to imagine who would take responsibility for the arrangements once my mum is no longer here. I have no idea what would happen.

I was with my mum last month when she died and consider being given the opportunity to be with her a gift as well as a beautiful life lesson- It would have been my preference to remember her that way- But she wanted a proper wake- And that's what she received - Her wishes meant more to us than our personal preferences-

Yes, feel just the same.

annsixty, how sad but how dignified.

When I phoned the people who you donate your body to the first question I asked was: am I too old? I was 70 then. She said " oh no, we had a gentleman who was 106!!!"

They sent the paperwork explaining exactly what happens at the time you go and then what the family can do after they've had the body for 3 years. We both signed up.

I think that, for families without religious beliefs, the formal ceremonies (christenings, weddings and funerals) have become optional, and often meaningless.

If (as I hope) there is property and money left for my children to inherit, I'd like them to have it. I hate the thought of several thousand being spent on a funeral - what a waste! I feel that I have peace of mind now, knowing it's all arranged and paid for.

Hetty I couldn’t disagree more. My family is non religious, I’ve been to many non religious funerals of both family and friends. I have a friend who is a humanist funeral celebrant. All the ones I’ve been too have been full of meaning, love, sadness, gratitude, reflection, friendship, laughter and shared memories. All I think about funerals is that we don’t have the right to dictate how others especially our children should say goodbye to us. It’s the ultimate and final act of selfishness. And funerals don’t need to cost £1000s

Well put Suziewoozie

I want a woodland burial in a biodegradable coffin with some proms and a couple of my favourite songs played. Ultimately though it will be up to my family to do what they feel they can manage emotionally and practically - although I’d like it if they could accommodate my wishes.

Poems - although proms sound like fun!

The last night of the proms.

Funerals are for the living not the dead. Similarly funeral wishes are for people while they are still living, they are unlikely to know or care what happens to them once they are dead.

I have told DC what I would like to have happen after I die and that has made me content in life. I know nor care what they actually do once I am dead, whether it is a full state funeral or just to consign me to the incinerator.

I think a lot of families, if not left specific instructions - or at least made aware of their loved one's 'preferences' - would be very reluctant to go down the cremation-only route, even if they wanted to. Many would be afraid of accusations of being mean or uncaring, however unjustified!

Also, regarding the view that 'funerals are for the living', what happens if the deceased's family members are not in agreement about what sort of send-off they want for their relative?
I think it's very important that people make it known what they would prefer to happen after their own death (even if it is just to make it known that they don't care!), so that their families have something on which to base their choices and settle any potential disagreements.

I read somewhere recently that there's a shortage of bodies donated for medical training, so I'm not concerned at the moment (I'm only 60 anyway). My dad donated his body. We had NO expenses at all.

I'm in the 'funerals are for those left behind' group on this subject.
We had a number of discussions with our parents about what they wanted to happened after they died. My father chose his favourite hymn and designated me as oldest child, to chose the other two. He had a strong Christian faith so we had a Christian service. We were very lucky in having a vicar friend, who knew my father well because of his work (dad wasn't a vicar). My parents were reluctant to make wills but did so under pressure from their children, thankfully. They included their wishes for funerals in their wills. Simple and largely left to their adult children to decide. WE decided to have Christian services which is what they would have wanted.
I've been to several Humanist services for friends. My children have talked with us, our message has been it's up to you what you want to do.
I'm a believer in rituals, whatever name we give them, I do feel that significant events can be marked in some way, by those most involved.

Flyingsolo I agree! I don't want to give thousands of pounds to a bloody funeral director! I would rather the money go to my children to spend on a fantastic holiday or anything they want! A direct cremation for me and a booze up in a pub afterwards for whoever wants to be there! Funerals are bloody awful things to have to go through. I wouldnt mind being pushed out in a boat somewhere and set alight. That would be even cheaper.

MissAdventure