Dealing with sexism - If you could go back......

I think the fact that many of us have vivid memories of these incidents, even 40, 50 or 60 years on, shows how much these assaults affect women. When these things happened to us it was rarely reported because either we wouldn't be believed, or because we must have been "asking for it" in some way.

I for one am glad women are no longer accepting this attitude.

I disagree, Sara65. Men must stop creating the dangerous situations. It is entirely the responsibility of men not to assault women. Or each other, for that matter.

Never let men get away with believing that 'the woman asked for it'. Or 'put herself at risk'.

It is never the fault of the victim.

So - what IS foolish behaviour? I ask as (both still ok to walk) my OH and I walk in the countryside locally - on public footpaths. I know that if he becomes unable to come with me - I will NEVER do this. I'm sure I would be continually on the lookout for lone men ahead or behind. Not really right is it?

I was 13, staying with a school friend when a male friend of theirs came into the room pulled up the sheet and touched me to see if I 'was a woman' yet! When I told my friend about this she accused me of lying. I never got over it!
At 17, I just wish that I'd had the courage to knee the man who grabbed my boob in a Durban market, in the nuts. I just cringed and ran away!

My brother in law sexually assaulted me on several occasions when I was a teenager and told me that if I told anyone "Nobody would believe me."

I did tell my mum actually, but she brushed it under the carpet as she didn't want to create any fuss - and implied I must have encouraged him in some way!!

He is still my brother in law and relations are non-existent between me and my sister. He got the sack from several jobs over the years for being a sexual predator.

I had a teacher at school who behaved inappropriately on several occasions. This was the mid 70s. My older sister found out what happened and paid him a visit, he never did it again after that. We didn't report him because people just didn't then. However, it put me off men for a very long time.

Exactly, SirChenjin. EVERY single time I was assaulted I was 'safely' indoors, with friends in the vicinity.

Stranger rape is rare. Most women are assaulted by friends or family or at the very least, acquaintances.

NoRose, how would you suggest women go about protecting themselves against friends/family?

I like many women of my generation could write a very long list of times I have been treated wrongly as I female.
Starting at age 9 when I was messed with by a friends uncle. I have escaped attempted rape 3 times (one that I don’t think I would be here today if I had not got away) plus several assaults both sexually and physically.
I have been discriminated against in the work place and loads of other instances over my lifetime.
I feel the younger generation do not always realise how different it was for women in my day.
I wish now I had been stronger and at age 63 I am finally standing up for myself.

Exactly Galaxy - well said

What they really mean is if I do this I will be safe and another woman will be raped or assaulted. Firstly that's just magical thinking and won't keep you safe. Secondly I dont think women are like wildebeest where it's ok for some of us to be 'picked off'. Men who rape won't not rape because on a particular night a woman didn't walk down a dark street.

No rose - women (and men) who are attacked and assaulted are not to blame, ever. Rapes in dark alleys account for a very small percentage of (successful) rape convictions - you’re far more likely to be attacked by someone you know in an environment you know. There is no ‘acceptable’ place to attack or rape anyone.

This mindset that women must somehow take full responsibility for ensuring they are safe at all times continues to put the blame at the feet of women and we must stop that - the focus must be that men must not attack or assault or murder.

I remember my older female cousins warning me about one uncle. One day he grabbed me from behind to play a "tickling game" and his hands were grabbing at my breasts. My father had taught me some self defence and I swung my elbow back into his face causing him to let go. I told him if he ever touched me again I would tell my father - who would have probably killed him.

I was also able to use those self defence techniques when leaving work one evening, a colleague grabbed me in the car park and pushed me up against the wall. I reported him next day to my manager, who spoke with the man and I was later told that I had "misunderstood" and that it was "just a joke"

I think many of us have similar experiences, unfortunately back then it wasn't treated seriously. Fortunately today there is a different attitude.

SirChenjin

Thankfully I was never raped, it never got that far thank goodness, but it could have done.

But I agree with Rosecarmel, women have to be careful, make sensible choices, and not put themselves in dangerous situations.

No rose .Women don’t send dangerous messages, Men rape , men rape, men rape. If rapists stayed at home, women would be safe walking down a dark alley.

The decisions I made that contributed to my personal circumstance aren't irrelevant- They don't make me to blame but they do contribute to and facilitate safety- Going on solely no victim is to blame, and nothing else, is sending a dangerous message: You'll not be at fault for walking down a dark alley and you get raped-

Spot on SirChenjin. It cannot be repeated often enough:

We must be very clear that it’s never the fault of the victim.

We must be very clear that it’s never the fault of the victim.

It's never the fault of victim - Not ever- But every victim has to live with their decisions- Its an informative part of the story that helps other females both young and old be proactive, to become more aware of their surroundings and potential circumstance and think ahead-

Maybe you made some stupid choices - but that never, ever justifies assault or rape or worse Sara and we must move away from this mindset some people have that women (and it’s usually women) somehow ‘deserved’ or ‘asked for’ it because they made the wrong decision or didn’t react in a certain way or reported it too long after the event or whatever.

Hmmmm, I don't think I'd put myself at risk, at all. I was with friends on EVERY occasion I was attacked/treated inappropriately by men. It just IS the way it used to be.

It enrages me when people try to say the #metoo movement is political correctness. It's the way life used to be for women. A large percentage of men attacked women on a regular basis because they could get away with it.

SirChenjin

I don’t consider myself responsible, but I can think of several instances where I put myself in very vulnerable situations.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say I got what I deserved, but I certainly think I made some stupid choices.

I think girls today, are a hell of a lot more streetwise, thank God.

I would smack the face of my first boss for putting his hand up my skirt

So many awful stories and I imagine we’ve not shared everything. This is just the experiences of a few women on one forum - extrapolate that across the UK and beyond and it becomes clear that sexism and sexual assault and threatening behaviour and worse is something that’s all too familiar to far too many of us - and it continues to be the case sadly.

We must be very clear that it’s never the fault of the victim.

When I was 18y I was having a driving lesson with a very popular (and expensive compared to others) U.K. driving school. The instructor indicated for me to turn off the main road, turn right again into a quiet residential cut de sac.

He leaned over and switched off the ignition. I naively thought he was going to ask me about the Highway Code.

Oh dear me no.

Very inappropriate behaviour followed. Gosh I even remained polite whilst batting him away! (He was late 20’s/early 30’s). I was SO embarrassed.

We drove back to the driving school office in silence. I was mortified. I booked lessons with someone else after that. I didn’t even THINK to report him. I was young, inexperienced and unsure of myself.

So many men have thought it appropriate to expose themselves on trains to me when I was barely a teenager, I never ignored them or froze, I just walked out of the carriage through the adjoining doors into the next carriage and made sure everyone was aware of the pervert. I've had weirdo's in alleyways approach me menacingly and turned and run. I would never be the lone female on a tube or train or top deck of a bus. We always made sure we had someone to see us home, we didn't take chances. The workplace I wouldn't tolerate inappropriate touching, jobs were ten a penny so if I got the sack for punching someone in the bollocks I'd get another job but he'd think twice about doing it again. I've worked in male dominated industries most of my working life and honestly never felt unsafe or intimidated.

I had several unpleasant experiences with a neighbour, I guess I would have been between about 11 and 15, he was a man living at home with his parents, I’m guessing he was probably mid twenties.

He touched me inappropriately in many occasions, grabbing my breasts, shoving his hand up my skirt.

I told my parents, mainly because my younger brother hung out with him a lot, and I wanted it stopped.

Guess what? I was the disgusting foul mouthed trouble maker, they didn’t believe a word!