unexpected response to a telephone call

‘Dance with my father again’ sung by Luther Van Dross has me in floods any time. My father NEVER danced in his life, but the minor keys and the sentiment are heart wrenching.

We think we are fine and then something comes along and knocks us off our perch. I don't think we ever truly get over something we just learn how to cope with it until the unexpected happens like you phone call. You've done well. You will be alright again.

I too find your reaction perfectly understandable and natural.

You answered the phone not expecting to have to discuss the fact that your husband had died. By now you have a perfect right to expect that anyone who does phone you knows you are a widow, and that former business associates of your husband know that he no longer runs a business even if they don't know why. I imagine they were informed of his death when it occurred, so they should not have had your number any more.

I know how much this sort of thing can hurt and I hope you are feeling a little better now. I would change my phone number to avoid any similar phone calls, if I were you.

It surprises us when we suddenly have these strong feelings - and demonstrates how much is stored away in our minds. I was walking the dog one day and saw a former work colleague of my late husband. 'How's J and the kids?' he said. I was so shocked that he didn't even know!

I understand how you felt. Many years after my father died in Leeds General Infirmary I was walking down the hospital corridor and realised I was outside the ward in which he died. I suddenly felt all the grief I had failed to feel when he died (he was very old and frail).

I had the same experience a few days ago when I took out the Christmas cards. This is my third Christmas without my husband. He loved Christmas and the list in his handwriting made me cry. We have to learn to live with it, but every so often.................................

This is perfectly understandable, sunseeker. My husband left me about 13 years ago, and I have rebuilt my life well. However, every now and then. I find myself in tears quite unexpectedly. I think when you have been deeply hurt, the hurt gets hidden and just occasionally rears it’s ugly head.

I feel your response to cry is so natural.
we never stop having the deep feelings for loved ones who have died.
the memories are still intact and our feelings never die.
I feel they live on in us.

As others have said there’s no time limit on grief. Be gentle with yourself sunseeker. It’s not the day for pressure.

I think it is the unexpected that will bring back the feelings of grief, in our everyday life we are fine, we have dealt with the things that can trigger a reaction but when something comes out of left field we are not prepared, have no shield against it in place and I don’t think there is a time limit on this. My father died 30 years ago and yet last week I was watching a movie that reminded me so much of him that I found myself crying

It was a shock, I don’t think you ever get over losing a loved one so perfectly understandable, sorry to hear you had the phone call, Hope you are ok

My sister died nearly 30 years ago.

A few years ago by chance I met someone who had worked with her quite a lot. The circumstances of the meeting were such, that I mentioned the job she used to do. to explain my involvement with this particular charity. He looked at me and said 'Was I.T. your sister?' and when I said yes, he began to sing her praises how he had enjoyed working with her, projects they had done together and how devastated he had been when she died. He spoke as if her death was recent. His tribute was totally unforced and genuine.

I managed to keep the tears in for the rest of the meeting, but once I got back to my car, I cried for the whole half hour journey home.

Can empathise. Bobbing along then something almost irrelevant pops up and you are in bits. I can be rummaging in stores enjoying the day out and bang! I am almost in tears. It's normal apparently, the loss doesn't go away, it only dims. Hope you are back on track.

Can I share one with you which made me both ? and ? at the time, but in retrospect was quite funny. Two years ago when he died, I cancelled Paw’s subscription to The Catholic Herald but because it was annual, the actual renewal date wasn’t until March- 4 months later .
So I got a reminder in March, which made me quite cross so I emailed repeating that I had cancelled and why.
I got a reply
It was headed “Change of address” - well that did it! I just blew up at them and said that as a Christian publication if they knew that Paw‘s “address” was other than where I thought he had “gone” , I would appreciate their sharing it with me.

Oh sunseekerwe widows all understand how you feel. I was told that it's the little things which trip you up because you're looking out for the big things - so true.
Time doesn't really heal, it just trims off the raw edges.

it was a trigger and its still raw, and it was probably a shock hearing someone ask for your late hubby, go easy on your self, x

There's no accounting for the trigger of emotions. Sounds like there was a lot of love there. Long live love!

My husband died in August, and I, too, miss his big bear hugs! Also walking hand in hand. I really miss that and his company of course.

It's often years later when something happens like your phone call catching you unawares that this sort of reaction occurs, I don't think constantly about my DH, I was widowed almost 7 years ago at age 57, a memory on facebook the other day which I had posted 2 days before he went into Hospital brought back bittersweet memories. Yours is a natural reaction

Many thanks for all your kind comments. It's true you don't ever really get over the loss of a loved one - I just wish I could experience one of his wonderful bear hugs again!

They were probably desperate for orders and trawling through clients from the past. Hopefully some nice memories will not surface for you to enjoy about your husband and you'll feel better.

No time limit on feeling

I rather like that you had that reaction. I hate the idea of not feeling upset when reminded of my losses. Perhaps you let something out that you were repressing.

Coming out of the blue I guess it was complete shock Sunseeker. I don't think one ever gets over losing a loved one

So sorry Sunseeker - and all those who are missing loved ones this Xmas. Kathsue, hope you're coping ok flowers]